It\u2019s a thrilling and privileged experience to get this close to a private document \u2013 something so vulnerable and weird and beautiful \u2013 and the author\u2019s own relationship to it over time. Below are some excerpts from February, 1986; 40 years ago in the life of Kate Camp. The original diary entries are in italics, followed by Kate\u2019s adult response to them. \/ Claire Mabey<\/p>\n
FEBRUARY 15\u00a0<\/p>\n
Cameron picked me up at 11am. We went to Suzy\u2019s after finding out Emma couldn\u2019t make it. Counsellor Kate strikes again. Teddys forever (& for ever \u2013 piano). Went round to Camerons to watch Young Ones. Told Cameron that incest was illegal. Drove around the bays for a couple of hours. Self-control, Kate, Self-control. Came home (with Cam) Teddy bears reclaim the gamesroom (Just my weakness bastard \u00a9) Sometimes I want to believe Frank\u2019n\u2019Furter. Lou Reed a bum vibe. A little too much a little too late Cam, too much, too soon, too late, too late\u00a0<\/p>\n
xx Kate\u00a0<\/p>\n
With all its manic misdirection, I can only tip my hat to the rhetorical variety that the author manages to squeeze onto her tiny page.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know what teddys are but I think (& for ever \u2013 piano) is a reference to the Beatles song \u201cI Will\u201d. The Young Ones would have been on video (have we got a video???). I guess the incest is illegal is because Cameron and I are supposed to be like brother and sister. No idea what\u2019s with the copyright symbol after bastard. Frank\u2019n\u2019Furter is a reference to The Rocky Horror Picture Show \u2013 I would have been thinking of \u201cgive yourself over to absolute pleasure\u201d. And I stand by my comment on Lou Reed.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The narrative here seems to be I spent the day with Cameron after Emma wasn\u2019t available, and in all those private spaces \u2013 in the car, watching TV at his place, being in the games room at my place, we would have been doing some kind of sexual activity \u2013 kissing? Snogging? Feeling up? No idea but I do remember that horniness, that total focus on getting sexual. I\u2019d be so wet it would cling to my pants like stalactites when I went to the toilet.<\/p>\n
At the time, we didn\u2019t have a framework for thinking of sexual desire as a thing that we had ourselves, as teenage girls. Sexual contact was something boys wanted and girls resisted and then gave in to. But then I say to myself Self- control, Kate, Self-control, so I guess I am acknowledging it. Hmm.<\/p>\n
I remember sitting on the bank above the netball courts at Raroa Intermediate with a group \u2013 quite a large group \u2013 of girlfriends. We were telling a sexy story, like one from a\u00a0Penthouse Forum, out loud to each other, making it up in turns, and at one point we did this by saying just one word each to create a phrase, because it was so taboo I guess, and that phrase was stuck \u2013 their \u2013 fingers \u2013 up \u2013 our \u2013 bums.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Did we know about that from reading porn? We\u2019d been sneaking people\u2019s fathers\u2019 and brothers\u2019 Penthouses and Playboys since primary school. Is it something that we hadn\u2019t read about but had sensed would be pleasurable? Or had done and found pleasurable? And there\u2019s also a vague memory-cloud passing by, of the story being about multiple females and multiple males, and the girls being the passive \u201cvictims\u201d of this sexual act, even though, of course, it is the girls as the authors of the story who are making it happen.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Woah. Female sexuality in a patriarchy is a real fucked-up house of mirrors.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Having said that, it\u2019s actually been one of the nice surprises of rereading The Diary, to realise how horny I was! Over the years I have considered so many different negative aspects of the dynamic with Cameron but somehow overlooked that I\u2019d had a simple drive for physical pleasure.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The actual inside pages of Kate\u2019s 1986 diary. The Kate of 2026 is fine with you going ahead and reading, though.
\nFEBRUARY 21\u00a0<\/p>\n
Sat around home all morning. Linda & Lucie came round & left in about half an hour. Cameron & Emma came round after
lunch. Cameron was being a bit scummy to Emma. He took her home then came back here for dinner. Had dinner & went downstairs. Cameron persisting me disciplining myself. Peter, Linda & Lucie came round. Saw them went back down (Frank-n-Furter \u2013 g.y.o.t.a.p.s.t.w.w.o.s.o.t.f & we did) ex wife good in bed 2\/3 months & getting married, Immature & the lover. P.Collins \u2013 E.L. Cam you have no morals and you just stole all mine <\/p>\n
xx Kate\u00a0<\/p>\n
The triangle nature of this is so fucked up \u2013 he\u2019s dropped Emma off then came back to get it on with me in the games room. The initials are a reference to the song \u201cDon\u2019t Dream It, Be It\u201d from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, apropos of giving yourself over to absolute pleasure and the sins of the flesh. Squeeze in a reference to Phil Collins E.L. (\u201cEasy Lover\u201d) and the rather good line, Cam you have no morals and you just stole all mine.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The most amazing part of this entry to me is that Cameron is round for dinner! He was a regular visitor, part of the family scene, sitting at the dinner table and saying things like, It\u2019s a well-known fact that you shouldn\u2019t eat meat from supermarkets because it\u2019s packed by Islanders. That signature phrase of his, It\u2019s a well-known fact, would preface some outrageous, vile opinion. It was something Mum and Dad mocked him for, Cameron\u2019s well-known fact, teasing me about him in his absence, as if it was a harmless foible.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But I don\u2019t ever recall having a serious conversation with them about what I was doing with someone like that, someone who was racist and sexist, who said things all the time that were so contrary to our world view. Did they know anything about Cameron\u2019s background, his parents, how old he was? Did they know anything other than that he would make the thirty-minute drive from Miramar to Khandallah, to spend hours unaccompanied with their teenage daughter?\u00a0<\/p>\n
It is one of the unresolvable marvels of The Diary, what my parents were thinking.\u00a0<\/p>\n
FEBRUARY 23\u00a0<\/p>\n
Went with Cameron. Yes, I know, but he made the first move (& the second) I reminded him of our past relationship & its bitter ending. He smiled. I reminded him of Emma. He laughed. A short, bitter, sad laugh. He says I matter more. I see the truth in his eyes. He says he loves me. I hear the lies \u00a0in his voice. He touches, holds & kisses me \u2013 I feel the warmth in his touch. The animal heat of a body not in tune with a heart. I hate Cameron & I love him. <\/p>\n
xx Kate\u00a0<\/p>\n
Stone. Cold. Classic. I\u2019m amazed that I\u2019m writing these entries with no drafts, within the constraints of the page length, and delivering some incredible breathless belters like this one. In the pantheon of bad teenage writing, this surely rates among the greats.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u2018In the planters boxes at Midland Park, wearing my jacket covered in badges. I considered this photo the ultimate in cool.\u2019 (Photo: Supplied)
\nFEBRUARY 24\u00a0<\/p>\n
Cameron had dinner at Emmas. It went badly from what I gather. I cannot bear to see Emma anymore with the knowledge of the hurt she will one day suffer. With knowledge of her love her trust her belief in Cameron and I as j.g.f. We are but not just.\u00a0<\/p>\n
xx Kate\u00a0<\/p>\n
Oh yeah, just awful thinking about how hurt Emma will be when she discovers Cameron and I are not j.g.f. \u2013 just good friends.\u00a0<\/p>\n
FEBRUARY 28\u00a0<\/p>\n
Emma you shattered my dreams. The fantasy of martyrdom is gone. Why, Emma, did you tell the truth when you have lied so much for lesser things. For Cameron you lie. For me you tell the hurtful truth. My father loves you no more.\u00a0<\/p>\n
My mother never did. I cannot believe truth over friendship. Loyalty has always been so much more important to me. I saved you on Jan 10. You dobbed me in after I saved you from so much (Remember N.K & phone?) <\/p>\n
xx Kaz\u00a0<\/p>\n
I wish I knew what this was about! I love the melodramatic inversion of My father loves you no more. My mother never did, but then the reversion to the schoolyard diction of dobbed me in.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I mean, come on Emma, Loyalty has always been so much more important to me. That\u2019ll be why I\u2019m constantly getting it on with your boyfriend.\u00a0<\/p>\n