Tyson has a list: No woke feminists. No one who\u2019s \u201csuper overweight\u201d. And def-a-lee no one with green hair.<\/p>\n
Clearly, this guy has PTSD from brat summer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want submissive vibes,\u201d he says repeatedly, and we hate that we can predict what his favourite category is on Pornhub.<\/p>\n
The good news? Producers have found him a match. A blonde Trump supporter named Stephanie who opens her audition tape by yelling, \u201cDon\u2019t come at me with ya woke shit!\u201d<\/p>\n
Buy some starch and fix ya damn collar.<\/p>\n
Every bin has a lid.<\/p>\n
Stephanie walks down the aisle, and Tyson\u2019s already scanning for red flags.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did get woke vibes,\u201d he mutters.<\/p>\n
His military training has equipped him with the highly advanced skill of detecting wokeness.<\/p>\n
His other complaint? She\u2019s 32 and he\u2019s 30. A two-year age gap. Disgusting.<\/p>\n
\u201cI asked for someone younger,\u201d he pouts.<\/p>\n
Bin meets lid: a rom-com.<\/p>\n
He wanted submissive vibes and instead got someone who can legally rent a car. Looks like producers are gonna need to install grab rails and non-slip rubber mats in their shower.<\/p>\n
Then come the vows. Most grooms say something about love and commitment. Tyson?<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the person across from me today embraces woke culture, we\u2019ll have a problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nothing says romance like a pre-emptive threat.<\/p>\n
When it\u2019s time for the kiss, it leads to more feedback.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe came across as frigid,\u201d he grunts.<\/p>\n
He then learns she\u2019s a real estate agent and immediately diagnoses the issue: \u201cBoss bitch vibes. She\u2019s giving me masculinity, and I don\u2019t need more masculine energy.\u201d<\/p>\n
A woman with a career and opinions! Is that even legal?<\/p>\n
Who would pair this innocent young boy with this gnarled old woman?<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s single for a reason,\u201d he huffs.<\/p>\n
Yes, Tyson. She def-a-lee is.<\/p>\n
As if one intolerable new groom isn\u2019t enough, producers gift us another.<\/p>\n
At the second intruder wedding, we meet Joel. He\u2019s married to \u2026 well, we don\u2019t know her name. Because Joel demands our focus be permanently fixed on him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen people first meet me, they usually think I\u2019m just loud, obnoxious and immature,\u201d he booms.<\/p>\n
After a wild transformation, he has turned himself into a model. But before that?<\/p>\n
\u201cI was a fat Uber driver for six years,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
One thing\u2019s for sure: he definitely would\u2019ve been one of those annoying Uber drivers who traps you in his Honda Jazz and talks incessantly despite you making an exaggerated point of putting headphones in and not responding to his monologue.<\/p>\n
As he performs his way through the ceremony, it\u2019s clear Joel has spent far too much time rehearsing facial expressions and reactions in the mirror. He exhausts all his energy by relentlessly serving up moments that he hopes the internet will grab on to and put through the meme machine.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother thinks I\u2019m perfect, but I\u2019ve actually got many flaws: Carpet, tiles, wood \u2026 you name it, baby,\u201d he says in his vows.<\/p>\n
The No 1 problem in modern society is people who mistake being relentlessly \u201con\u201d for having charisma.<\/p>\n
Joel will stop at nothing to secure airtime.<\/p>\n
Gia, now the lone mean girl in the group, gives her assessment: \u201cHe\u2019s a tool. I feel sorry for this girl walking down the aisle to this weirdo. What a d**khead.\u201d<\/p>\n
It seems Gia didn\u2019t learn her lesson after last week\u2019s feral dinner party, where she launched a public attack on her fellow bride. Just 24 hours after being scolded by the experts for her behaviour, she\u2019s at it again \u2013 this time, heckling Joel at the reception.<\/p>\n
Joel hits back by declaring his ideal woman has \u201cno plastic surgery in the face\u201d.<\/p>\n
Gia takes this as a personal insult. It\u2019s a \u2026 it\u2019s a \u2026 it\u2019s a slap to the (surgically enhanced) face!<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with plastic in the face? We\u2019re from the Gold Coast, we get injections!\u201d she screams across the ballroom.<\/p>\n
If Gia\u2019s face wasn\u2019t so frozen, she\u2019d frown.<\/p>\n
At least the Gold Coast tourism board now has a new slogan: \u201cCome for injections! There\u2019s also a beach\u201d.<\/p>\n
Gold Coast: Sun, surf and syringes.<\/p>\n
Now it\u2019s time for the formal speeches. Naturally, Joel discusses mouth sewage.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery three seconds, I have an urge to clear sewage from my throat,\u201d he declares to his wife.<\/p>\n
Then his mum grabs the mic.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe still likes to lie on my lap and have me scratch his back,\u201d she shares.<\/p>\n
And Nicola Peltz thought it was bad when Victoria Beckham dirty danced with Brooklyn at their wedding.<\/p>\n
The anonymous bride gets fed up and storms out of her own wedding.<\/p>\n
Please stop trying to become a professional meme.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just a joke maker, ya know?\u201d Joel shrugs.<\/p>\n
\u2026 Are the jokes in the room with us right now?<\/p>\n
Married at First Sight screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Tyson has a list: No woke feminists. No one who\u2019s \u201csuper overweight\u201d. And def-a-lee no one with green…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":309837,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[22256,2246,1975,85,168860,156,21039,52667,1888,168299,100699,168861,14054,6371,19652,9610,111,139,69,46611,8138,1679,16134,13798,18916,6563,168858,168859,112306],"class_list":{"0":"post-310241","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-entertainment","8":"tag-22256","9":"tag-2246","10":"tag-at","11":"tag-australia","12":"tag-despises","13":"tag-entertainment","14":"tag-episode","15":"tag-feminism","16":"tag-first","17":"tag-frigid","18":"tag-groom","19":"tag-inflammatory","20":"tag-james","21":"tag-joins","22":"tag-mafs","23":"tag-married","24":"tag-new-zealand","25":"tag-newzealand","26":"tag-nz","27":"tag-offensive","28":"tag-recap","29":"tag-recaps","30":"tag-remarks","31":"tag-sexist","32":"tag-sight","33":"tag-storms","34":"tag-trumper","35":"tag-trumpsupporting","36":"tag-weir"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/310241","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=310241"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/310241\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/309837"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=310241"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=310241"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=310241"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}