Remarkable is one word for MAFS\u2019 impact. Others, like tacky, pathetic et al (feedback from Herald readers, by the way), are big flashing neon signs indicating just how polarising the relationship reality show everyone loves to hate (or hates to love) really is.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat [those comments] say to me, is that we\u2019re doing something right and that this show is extremely powerful. It is getting people talking about relationships and dating, which I love. And when that all stops, then you\u2019ll probably see that the show will stop.\u201d<\/p>\n
You heard the man. Don\u2019t like it? Don\u2019t talk about it. Except, with New Zealanders watching almost 1.9 million hours of the show in its first three weeks of release this year, that would probably make us all very sad indeed. <\/p>\n
Born in Sydney, and moving to New Zealand when he was 12, once upon a time, life looked very different for Aiken. <\/p>\n
An opening batter for Auckland and Wellington cricket teams, he also played in the New Zealand Under-19s alongside Adam Parore and Chrisses Cairns and Harris. But while he was an athlete, he was also safeguarding, studying for a master\u2019s degree in clinical and community psychology. Cricket didn\u2019t last, but he has spent 30 years as a relationship counsellor. <\/p>\n
Today, Aiken is MAFS Australia\u2019s only original expert left on the couch, alongside Alessandra Rampolla and Mel Schilling. He was there in 2015, when four couples were matched, married and followed by cameras for six episodes before deciding if they would stay together. Last season – the show\u2019s 12th – there were 13 couples and 40 episodes. <\/p>\n
\u201cI just sat back and hung on and watched what happened – and it just exploded.\u201d<\/p>\n
That explosion seems like old news. Can you remember a time we weren\u2019t gossiping about it in work kitchens or group chats? And yet, Aiken\u2019s one job for today, when he finishes his long black, is to hire an agent. Someone to help plan his life for him. Someone to help turn John Aiken into a business. <\/p>\n
Eleven years after he grabbed hold for dear life and braced for impact. Twelve seasons of international infamy, headlines and fandom. It is season 13 that has forced his hand – he\u2019s a bona fide TV star now. <\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you get to a point with the show where it becomes so big \u2026 You need people to manage things for you.”<\/p>\n
Married at First Sight Australia experts Alessandra Rampolla, Mel Schilling and John Aiken.<\/p>\n
When MAFS started, Aiken was \u201cgreen\u201d and the show was one-of-one, a lonely relationship reality TV series floating in a sea of singing, cooking and building competitions. Now, it\u2019s leading an increasingly crowded pack. Aiken doesn\u2019t watch many of the others. Formats like Love is Blind don\u2019t interest him. And Love Island? At 55, he thinks he\u2019s too old for that.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love relationships. I love the dynamics and intricacies of them. But when I try to watch, say, Love Island, I see abs and I see bikinis \u2026 and very little talking.\u201d<\/p>\n
On MAFS, there\u2019s a lot of talking, quite a bit of shouting and maybe not so much listening. The talking part has been the biggest change to how Aiken does his job over the years. <\/p>\n
Once he mediated, was reflective. Today, he\u2019s \u201cdirect and hard-hitting\u201d, economical with his words – like a dad who\u2019s not angry, just disappointed you spent an entire dinner party bullying another woman about her bad shoes and hair extensions rather than sorting out the borderline toxic TV marriage you\u2019ve signed up for. He suggests viewers love his approach. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s like, \u2018well, we need people to be held accountable here and you\u2019re going to do that\u2019. And so I think my role \u2026 has really been leaning into this no-nonsense, straight-shooting expert on the couch who\u2019s going to deal with bad behaviour and call it out.\u201d<\/p>\n
So, each week the couples sit in front of him and if he spots something he doesn\u2019t like, he pounces. The bride responsible for the shoe comments was told her behaviour was \u201cugly. It was mean.\u201d When it connects, Aiken can see it in their face – shocked that no one\u2019s ever spoken to them like that before.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen it doesn\u2019t land, and a lot of the time it doesn\u2019t, they get defensive. They come back at me. They\u2019re combative. They are blaming everyone. They avoid accountability. They may roll their eyes at me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sounds fun. And for Aiken, it is. The brides and grooms are human Rubik\u2019s cubes, problems to solve – or at least people to give the cheat codes to so they can try and sort themselves out.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love relationships. I love the dynamics and intricacies of them,” says Aiken. Photo \/ Jason Oxenham<\/p>\n
The defensiveness is turning up more and more often though, and he can see more point-scoring between the experiment\u2019s participants – and between them and the experts – than ever before.<\/p>\n
Aiken thinks a lot about why this has changed. His unofficial diagnosis: an increasing lack of self-awareness, the way people are brought up, friendships and social media are making us all less empathetic and more self-centred. Just search TikTok for Main Character Energy if you need proof.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s Planet Me: I\u2019m right and everyone else is wrong \u2026 Often they\u2019re surrounded by people that enable them. Just say yes. Put them on a pedestal,\u201d Aiken says of the MAFS participants.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re dealing with personality styles and patterns that are quite hard to shift. And not only are they hard to shift, but when you challenge them, they come at you hard. <\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got to be on my toes every time I sit in front of a couple because they\u2019re coming for the experts. [In other reality shows] they\u2019re deferred to, you know? They are the experts. On our show, that\u2019s not the case. [The cast] are like, \u2018we are great at relationships. You\u2019re doing this wrong, John\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
Does he think people only come on the show for fame, like the critics suggest? Or is there at least a sliver of something more hopeful and heartfelt motivating them to lay it all out there for strangers at home to watch and judge?<\/p>\n
\u201cI assume everyone that I\u2019m sitting in front of likes the spotlight and has thought about life after the show \u2026 you wouldn\u2019t come on the show if you didn\u2019t want some spotlight,\u201d he says matter-of-factly. <\/p>\n
\u201cBut what I\u2019m also looking for, and needing [when we match them], is that they want to find love. That they are wanting to give themselves over to the experts in the process.\u201d<\/p>\n
Aiken knows people say the process is staged, scripted, heavily produced. He\u2019s insistent though: the reason the show is called an experiment is because even the experts don\u2019t know what\u2019s going to happen. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe do put [the couples] together, but then we sit back like everybody else and go, what are they going to be like? <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd that is the secret to the whole success, every year you\u2019re tuning in and you go, who are these strangers and will they get the fairy tale?\u201d <\/p>\n
Watch: John Aitken on what it takes to make a relationship work<\/p>\n
There\u2019s another reason so many of us choose to plonk ourselves on our couches to watch\/endure hours and hours of bad behaviour, too. Aiken thinks we want to learn. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou do not set out with that in mind, \u2018Let\u2019s make an educational show about relationships\u2019,\u201d Aiken says. \u201cBut it\u2019s certainly become a show where you learn what not to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s not wrong. Whether it\u2019s gaslighting, different communication styles, trad wives, men with \u201cwarrior mindsets\u201d or, this season, something the experts have termed \u201cboss babes\u201d (women not putting up with anyone\u2019s s***, for better or worse – usually worse in this case), if you\u2019re dating and watching the show, you quickly realise the types of unwanted behaviour to avoid like a bout of gastro. And if you\u2019re in a relationship, you\u2019ll be renewing your vows, promising each other to never be like\u2026 that. <\/p>\n
Aiken has been married to former journalist Kelly Swanson-Roe for nearly 19 years. For them, the relationship ground rules were laid out clearly and early. <\/p>\n
\u201cWhen we got married, she said, \u2018I want a husband, not a therapist \u2026 don\u2019t bring that psychobabble home with you\u2019,\u201d he says of his \u201cvery direct\u201d Waikato-raised wife. <\/p>\n
\u201cSo, I\u2019m not some expert explaining to her what she needs to do better. We are in this together as equals. I make mistakes – and plenty of them – and I say sorry. And she does the same thing.\u201d <\/p>\n
John Aiken and Kelly Swanson-Roe, pictured in 2006. Photo \/ Olivia Hemus<\/p>\n
It would be impossible for his career not to have an impact on his relationship, though Aiken says the shadow MAFS casts is less on him as an individual, and more on the way he and Kelly work as a team, and as parents to their kids, Aston and Piper. <\/p>\n
There is almost nowhere Aiken can go where at least one person won\u2019t recognise him. Restaurants, malls, airports, the gym, the beach, Australia, New Zealand, the UK, even the States all become a navigation of privacy and a realisation: \u201cyou are not anonymous anymore\u201d. <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd so when you\u2019re with your partner and kids, you have to be aware that people will stop you, people will want to talk and you\u2019ve got to always be a role model in the public and try to be kind when someone\u2019s really abusing you and giving you a serve, which they do.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve had to really adjust to that and be in each other\u2019s corner. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s brought us together, it\u2019s made us stronger, but it is challenging at times because the noise is so great. And the noise doesn\u2019t go away once it stops being on air in Australia.\u201d<\/p>\n
But Aiken helps people for a living, so it\u2019s not surprising when he says he has a trick for when those comments get too loud. <\/p>\n
He laughs. Sometimes, just to himself, sometimes he performs dramatic readings of particularly nasty social media messages at dinner parties with friends. It helps put it all into perspective.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople either love it or they hate it, but they don\u2019t sit in the middle \u2026 it can be brutal.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m very passionate about the show, even after all these years. And it\u2019s a real privilege to be on it \u2026 But if I didn\u2019t enjoy it, I don\u2019t think I could keep coming back because it\u2019s too intense and there\u2019s too much noise around it. It\u2019s radioactive.\u201d<\/p>\n
And a trainwreck. Nonsense. Feral. Rotten … if you ask Herald readers, who are absolutely, definitely not watching every single episode. <\/p>\n
Married At First Sight Australia screens Sunday – Wednesday on Three and ThreeNow. <\/p>\n
Bridget Jones joined the New Zealand Herald in 2025. She has been a lifestyle and entertainment journalist and editor for more than 15 years. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Remarkable is one word for MAFS\u2019 impact. Others, like tacky, pathetic et al (feedback from Herald readers, by…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":318573,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[172432,95,85,8172,31875,6259,156,1601,21663,39275,1888,692,5420,1345,702,5126,2176,101,92823,1362,19652,9610,13617,111,139,69,90,520,18916,6100,6642,1316,4276],"class_list":["post-318572","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-aiken","tag-and","tag-australia","tag-backlash","tag-bridget","tag-door","tag-entertainment","tag-expert","tag-expertise","tag-fame","tag-first","tag-he","tag-hes","tag-home","tag-it","tag-john","tag-jones","tag-left","tag-loves","tag-made","tag-mafs","tag-married","tag-name","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-on","tag-relationship","tag-sight","tag-still","tag-tells","tag-when","tag-why"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/318572","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=318572"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/318572\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/318573"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=318572"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=318572"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=318572"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}