Pamela Shennan knows how it feels to watch someone you love die. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt just shifts and rocks your whole world,\u201d Shennan recalls. \u201cYou\u2019re just like, \u2018What do I do?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Shennan, who lost her parents within months of each other in her early 30s, lost her husband to melanoma when she was 48. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou go through the pain he\u2019s in as well,\u201d she says. \u201cThe physical pain he is in, the pain of saying goodbye, the pain of watching your children say goodbye.\u201d <\/p>\n
Suddenly, the US native who moved to Tauranga in 2004 was left alone to raise four kids. \u201cHow do you hold space for everyone in that moment?\u201d <\/p>\n
It\u2019s a sacred thing to look into another person\u2019s pain, to sit with them in that pain, Shennan, now 55, says. <\/p>\n
Her own experience with grief led to her work as a spiritual care co-ordinator for the Waipuna Hospice, as well as a grief counsellor \u2013 roles Shennan considers a privilege. <\/p>\n
Over three years, Shennan has helped more than 100 patients at the hospice find \u201ca bit more peace\u201d. <\/p>\n
Pam knows how she wants to die. Photo \/ Supplied<\/p>\n
What does it feel like to die?<\/p>\n
She has heard death. She has seen death. But does she know what it feels like to die? <\/p>\n
That\u2019s the most common question Shennan gets asked by the dying. <\/p>\n
The hospice staff, who are \u201cvery willing\u201d to have deep conversations about death, hear patients\u2019 needs, and doctors are there too. Wanting to know what happens in a spiritual sense is where Shennan may come in. <\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes it\u2019s a conversation they\u2019ve not been willing to have with anyone,\u201c she says. <\/p>\n
Shennan begins with open-ended questions: what would you want death to look like? What are you hoping death might be? <\/p>\n
\u201cObviously, a lot of people want a pain-free death,\u201d she says. But as death approaches, Shennan says there are similarities in what people report experiencing. <\/p>\n
\u201cThey may start to see something happen,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ll start to notice moths or birds or something significant … or they might sense something in the room… That is a very common thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
A good death<\/p>\n
Shennan knows how she wants to die.<\/p>\n
\u201cI now have more of an appreciation for dying at home,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n
She used to worry about how her family would feel if she did that.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow I see it as I can be surrounded by music I love that gives me peace, I could have the smells around me that I love … it\u2019s that comfort of my home.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor me, a good death is going to be surrounded by people I love in a place I know with the things I love around me.\u201d<\/p>\n
No regrets?<\/p>\n
When it comes to talking about their regrets in life, Shennan says there\u2019s a common theme among the people she spends time with. <\/p>\n
\u201cOften people regret broken relationships … people regret knowing they haven\u2019t done something\u201d.<\/p>\n
She says forgiveness of oneself and others is key to finding peace. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe all make mistakes,\u201d Shennan says.<\/p>\n
But people don\u2019t regret taking adventures. <\/p>\n
\u201cThey don\u2019t often regret travelling or going and doing something.\u201d<\/p>\n
People mention what their children have done or what they\u2019ve done as a career (usually if they served others and found meaning doing so) when speaking to Shennan about personal achievements.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor most people, [achievements are] not about material things,\u201d she says. \u201cIt is about those relationships, in whatever way that looks like for them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Death is not to be feared<\/p>\n
No one can escape death. It is a universal experience. Despite this, stigma around the topic exists, making it difficult to discuss openly. But Shennan believes people often fear things \u201cwe mostly see on TV [where] there\u2019s a lot of drama\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can\u2019t control medical events, but often people have a very peaceful death, it is almost like going to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
Death is, in her opinion, \u201cnot to be feared\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish people realised hospice … can do so much to support them,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
According to Hospice NZ, one in three people will need hospice care, but because Waipuna Hospice functions as a charity, only a portion of its costs are covered by the Government. This makes community support crucial to the continuation of its services, \u201cwhether that\u2019s through partners like the House of Travel or people going to our shops, or donating goods, or donating their time\u201d, project lead Ceilidh Dunphy says.<\/p>\n
Asked what she thinks dying people wish the living would stop worrying about, Shennan says it is not caring so much about what others think.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s about your life and what you value and what you think is important for your circumstance – not so much what other people think about you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Varsha Anjali is a journalist in the lifestyle team at the Herald. She is based in Auckland.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Pamela Shennan knows how it feels to watch someone you love die. \u201cIt just shifts and rocks your…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":337227,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[95,43755,665,1975,634,309,36174,100174,17515,2893,13994,42,23600,221,6036,7494,5338,43,16546,90,69738,180599,2892,180600,17213,52524,61,40,38,17519,41,39,26579,43754,180598,14638,12767],"class_list":["post-337226","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-headlines","tag-and","tag-anjali","tag-around","tag-at","tag-death","tag-die","tag-difficult","tag-discuss","tag-experience","tag-fear","tag-feared","tag-headlines","tag-hospice","tag-how","tag-know","tag-less","tag-makes","tag-news","tag-nothing","tag-on","tag-openly","tag-pamela","tag-peace","tag-shennan","tag-speaks","tag-stigma","tag-to","tag-top-news","tag-top-stories","tag-topic","tag-topnews","tag-topstories","tag-universal","tag-varsha","tag-waipuna","tag-wants","tag-worker"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337226","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=337226"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337226\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/337227"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=337226"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=337226"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=337226"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}