Of course, some people will lose their temper and say something in the heat of rage and you can give them some grace, and tell them that\u2019s not appropriate. But if you\u2019re consistently hearing that style of communication \u2013 they yell, scream, get personal, get in your face, storm out \u2013 you start to realise that\u2019s their communication style. When you challenge them on that, often the response is, \u201cThey started it\u201d or \u201cThey\u2019re not listening, so I\u2019ve got to be louder\u201d.<\/p>\n
Social media doesn\u2019t encourage us to have empathy. It really places the person as the hero of their story. It\u2019s an egocentric way of living. Therefore, you\u2019re not really stopping and checking the way that you talk. <\/p>\n
Our participants really struggle to get off their planet and on to their partner\u2019s planet.<\/p>\n
But I think people also do things because they work. Whether it be at school or in their career or family or with previous relationships, they\u2019ve behaved a certain way, got some sort of reward out of it and been encouraged to keep doing it.<\/p>\n
What can you change?<\/p>\n
Firstly, bring up the conversation when they\u2019re calm and then really own it. Say, \u201cHey, when you went at me the other day like that, I felt quite scared, intimidated or confused, unsettled\u201d. And then you say, \u201cIn the future, let\u2019s do it this way… Let\u2019s not go down that path\u201d. <\/p>\n
You want to hit them between the eyes with those sorts of feelings. When you talk about feelings, that\u2019s when they have to empathise. <\/p>\n
Married At First Sight Australia relationship expert John Aiken says how you talk \u2013 and how it lands \u2013 is important. Photo \/ Jason Oxenham<\/p>\n
2. Red flags: Having too many non-negotiables can rule out any chance of finding love<\/p>\n
Gaslighting certainly wasn\u2019t talked about much. Now it\u2019s in everybody\u2019s vocabulary, turn on MAFS and you get a front-row seat to it. <\/p>\n
It is a show that brings relationship and dating principles to life. And one is red flags. <\/p>\n
With the rise of dating apps, people are clear about the long list of red flags they have and if anyone shows any sign of something they don\u2019t like, out in the real world they just swipe and move on. Then, they\u2019ll get someone just as pretty or gorgeous, but who doesn\u2019t have that particular red flag. <\/p>\n
People are often incredibly closed-minded and have this long list they will not compromise on \u2013 because they don\u2019t have to. Because they\u2019ve got a large pool of people out there that they can swipe and move on to. <\/p>\n
But it\u2019s becoming harder and harder for them to meet someone because they\u2019re so unrelenting with these standards. Nobody\u2019s going to measure up. <\/p>\n
When I ask people why they want to try MAFS they say, \u201cbecause at least I know the person you match me with might stick around for 10 weeks. Out in the real world, I might get one date and it\u2019s over\u201d. <\/p>\n
Our participants talk a lot about first dates as being like job interviews. It\u2019s about money, career, kids, where they\u2019ll go to school, private education, all sorts of stuff.<\/p>\n
You can say, \u201cwell, I\u2019m not going to settle\u201d, but ultimately, you are always going to be single. <\/p>\n
What can you change?<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re prepared to be curious, you have a chance at love. <\/p>\n
Sit down with your best friend and say: this is what I\u2019m like in relationships, but give me some home truths. Here\u2019s my long list of non-negotiables. Is that holding me back or is that just me having high standards? <\/p>\n
A friend will be able to tell you very clearly, \u201clisten, that is not going to work for you. You\u2019ve got some things there that I think you need to hold on to, but there are a lot of things there that are very superficial\u201d. <\/p>\n
If you\u2019re going to find somebody, you really do have to look hard at yourself and ask: is what I\u2019m doing working for me or is it holding me back? <\/p>\n
3. Control: Trying to dominate your partner will lead to gridlock and unhappiness <\/p>\n
Sometimes, you\u2019ll see people who are able to make decisions together. They\u2019re able to compromise, they\u2019re able to share leadership, they have an ability to empathise and to understand where the other person\u2019s coming from. And most importantly, they\u2019re able to let their partner influence them. To say yes rather than no all the time. <\/p>\n
Now, on MAFS, you don\u2019t see a lot of that. What you see is power and control, which is: I\u2019m right, you\u2019re wrong. I will lead, you will follow. If you\u2019ve got a complaint, that\u2019s a \u201cyou\u201d problem, because I\u2019m the one who is in charge. <\/p>\n
You have this constant fighting, like you\u2019re in a boardroom with two CEOs, both wrestling for power. <\/p>\n
What can you change?<\/p>\n
Where does that need for control and power come from? It might be that they were severely bullied. It might be that they lost a parent. It might be that they moved around frequently when they were young. That there\u2019s some sort of trauma there and so they\u2019ve decided \u201cI\u2019ve got to control my life in a very, very strict way\u201d. <\/p>\n
The ones that do well are able to shift power and control. The ones that do badly, don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
In private practice, I would say to a couple this week, what I want you to do is say yes to her. Everything that she asks, I just want you to say yes. See what happens. <\/p>\n
And it\u2019s like, are you kidding, John? I can\u2019t do that, the sky\u2019s going to fall. <\/p>\n
When they come back the next week, he says, actually things went really smoothly. No arguments. We were talking about things we haven\u2019t talked about before. But I still feel like I\u2019m who I am and all I\u2019ve done is let her influence me. <\/p>\n
Then you swap it the next week, and then they come back again and they start to realise, you know what? It\u2019s not the end of the world to say yes. <\/p>\n
The people really stuck on power and control, they\u2019ll complain about having to parent their partner. And yet they don\u2019t let go of control. <\/p>\n
Once you can bring that to light and then allow the person to just play with it and let go of it, you tend to find, okay, we\u2019re still okay if we do that. The world does not end if I don\u2019t have to organise you. I\u2019m going to step out of this role of parenting you and I\u2019m going to let you step into it. <\/p>\n
And that comes down to trust, doesn\u2019t it? Trusting that they can and will.<\/p>\n
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Of course, some people will lose their temper and say something in the heat of rage and you…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":365741,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[29],"tags":[172432,1975,85,1558,6326,156,1601,5658,1888,15213,71,5126,9610,111,139,69,90,12253,15406,520,18916,87152,4497,223,437],"class_list":{"0":"post-365740","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-tv","8":"tag-aiken","9":"tag-at","10":"tag-australia","11":"tag-been","12":"tag-biggest","13":"tag-entertainment","14":"tag-expert","15":"tag-experts","16":"tag-first","17":"tag-flags","18":"tag-from","19":"tag-john","20":"tag-married","21":"tag-new-zealand","22":"tag-newzealand","23":"tag-nz","24":"tag-on","25":"tag-panel","26":"tag-red","27":"tag-relationship","28":"tag-sight","29":"tag-staple","30":"tag-start","31":"tag-the","32":"tag-tv"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/365740","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=365740"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/365740\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/365741"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=365740"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=365740"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=365740"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}