{"id":370573,"date":"2026-04-09T03:54:14","date_gmt":"2026-04-09T03:54:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/370573\/"},"modified":"2026-04-09T03:54:14","modified_gmt":"2026-04-09T03:54:14","slug":"the-valley-recap-season-3-ep-2-snip-snip","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/370573\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018The Valley\u2019 Recap, Season 3, Ep. 2: \u2018Snip, Snip\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

The Valley<\/a><\/p>\n

Snip, Snip<\/p>\n

\n Season 3<\/p>\n

Episode 2\n <\/p>\n

\n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n

3 stars<\/p>\n

***\n <\/p>\n

\n Photo: Bravo\n <\/p>\n

Even though it\u2019s only barely three years old, The Valley has given us a number of truly sad moments, but none is sadder than something Kristen says in her confessional. Luke, a pile of Pac Sun clothing that became a regional manager, is talking about how he wants to get their sex life back on track, only three months after she gave birth to her gorgeous baby girl. Kristen says, flat out, \u201cI hate that idea.\u201d In confessional, she says that her therapist told her, \u201cKristen, what is 15 minutes out of your day?\u201d That is it. That is the saddest thing.<\/p>\n

I get where the therapist is coming from. It seems like a small sacrifice to keep your partner happy, just do the one thing that they\u2019re looking for, and all is settled. Also, just diving in, she might realize that it\u2019s not as bad as she thinks it\u2019s going to be. Okay, sure. But has this therapist ever had sex with a headache or been bloated from eating too much pizza, or when the first part of the Summer House season 10 reunion just started, and we need to see exactly what Ciara is going to say to West? There is nothing worse than pity sex when your head and mind aren\u2019t in the game. I put myself in Kristen\u2019s shoes and just thought about her hating her body, only thinking about her daughter, and just having to close her eyes and bear the thrusts and grunts of this man for an entire 15 minutes. It feels like it would take 15 years. I\u2019m sorry, but the only thing worse than no sex is bad sex, and if Kristen isn\u2019t going to show even the scintilla of arousal necessary to get her partner turned on, too, then she might as well just buy Luke a subscription to Brandi Glanville\u2019s OnlyFans and a wad of Kleenex because they would both be better off.<\/p>\n

Well, the pressure campaign worked because when Luke gets to his daughter\u2019s first birthday party, he proudly tells Schwartz that Kristen let him hit it again. Congrats. Well, technically, it\u2019s Lala\u2019s daughter\u2019s first birthday, but I have decided that it is canon that Luke was the sperm donor of Lala\u2019s baby. Just like, in my mind, Lea Michele can\u2019t read, and Katy Perry is the grown-up Jon Benet Ramsey. These are facts, and nothing you say can convince me otherwise.<\/p>\n

Speaking about the party, I really enjoyed it. I don\u2019t know what is happening with me \u2014 have I been getting a consistent 8 hours of sleep, have I been getting the right levels of Omega 3s, have I fallen prey to an early English spring \u2014\u00a0but I actually kind of like everyone on the cast, even (gulp) Janet. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. There\u2019s just something in me that feels a little bad for her being so on the outs. Yes, she has totally earned it, but, guys, I\u2019m softening. I\u2019m thawing. The edit is working. Sure, I still hate Jesse, but in a way that is fun, and I am growing to hate Lacy even more every day in a way that is not fun, but the show is hitting.<\/p>\n

Even Schwartz, the mewling little pest that he is, can be so adorable when he\u2019s just throwing the same ball down the slide with Brittany\u2019s son Cruz over and over again. He\u2019s a good foil, the one single guy who wants the settled-down life that all the other guys are chafing against. Even Lala, who proved her worth this episode by flirting with her very hot and shockingly age-appropriate lifeguard while at her daughter\u2019s party. She\u2019s not nearly as angry as she used to be or trying so hard to grab the spotlight, but she is pushing the story in the right direction. She\u2019s here doing her job (while Scheana Shay sits at home combing the hair of her Lala voodoo doll just waiting for the right moment to strike).<\/p>\n

Lala is also the bridge between Janet and the larger group since she and Brittany seem to be the only two not only talking to her but also interested in having a conversation with her. At the party, Janet sits down with Jasmine for a chat and gets straight into the business of apologizing for getting involved in her business last season when it wasn\u2019t her place. Jasmine is kind, says they need to have a larger conversation somewhere that is not a literal child\u2019s birthday with toddlers making every flat surface sticky, but at least she hears Janet out. That is, until Janet sort of asks for an apology from Jasmine for saying she has \u201cKaren energy\u201d and freaking out on her at the beach last season<\/a>. Jasmine almost chokes on her corn dog when that comes out of Janet\u2019s mouth. I also almost choked on my corn dog. She is on the outs with nearly every person on the show, but she\u2019s still thinking she can get an apology? Oh, sister, take every seat in that backyard, including the one that a 3-year-old just left a half-melted ice cream cone in.<\/p>\n

Janet does say that she\u2019s in therapy and learning that the words she was using last year were meant to hurt. OK, great. But what is she going to do with that? How is she going to change? That\u2019s what I haven\u2019t seen at all. You know, the more I think about it, the less I\u2019m willing to forgive Janet. I take it all back.<\/p>\n

This is especially true after her conversation with Nia, which Lala orchestrates. As everyone involved said, it was the fastest conversation that anyone has ever had. It was even faster than Luke finishing in Kristen after not getting any for three months. Lala brings Janet over, Janet congratulates Nia on the baby, and tells her that if there\u2019s anything she\u2019d like to say or get off her chest, Janet will listen. Nia just stares at her, as perilous and unblinking as the sun, and doesn\u2019t say a word. Janet says, \u201cI\u2019ll talk to you soon,\u201d and runs away. I know that there are some bad bitches on Bravo \u2014\u00a0Phaedra Parks, Lindsay Hubbard, Tamra Judge \u2014\u00a0but none of them is scarier than Nia Sanchez. She is not fooling around for even a second, and when she is done with you, she is done with you. She doesn\u2019t need to scream or yell about it either; she will just smile to your face and bury you in silence.<\/p>\n

Janet runs off to the bosom of her best gay and starts talking shit about Nia in a bedroom, which Nia then walks into looking for a place to nurse her baby. She quickly excuses herself and finds another bedroom with Danny, where she says she has nothing to say to Janet, and she has had it, officially<\/a>. Janet is also telling her best gay that she doesn\u2019t want to be friends with Nia. Okay then, why try? Why? Yes, they have to film this here show, but can\u2019t she stay away and just say she\u2019s not ready? Can\u2019t the two of them just choose to exist on parallel and untouching planes?<\/p>\n

Speaking of planes, Zack takes Jesse to an aviation-themed bar where they have a conversation about, I\u2019m not sure what. Not much. About how neither of them is invited to the birthday party. I\u2019m even really liking Zack this season. Sure, he gives big villain energy, but just like Rodrigo on Southern Charm<\/a>, he\u2019s proving to be the only one who can go between the drama of the boys and the drama of the girls. When the guys need to talk about their real feelings and can\u2019t do it with the other dudes, they go to Zack. But still, he\u2019s all up in the middle of the mess, like telling Brittany that he thinks she\u2019s repeating the same mistakes she made with Jax with this new guy. We have yet to meet the new guy, so I\u2019m going to delay judgment a bit, but I love that Zack is fulfilling his best gay friend duties.<\/p>\n

Zack\u2019s duties with the boys include going with Danny for his consultation about getting a vasectomy, which is just littered with the worst dad jokes, sex puns, and testicle humor that Danny could unleash in a doctor\u2019s office. Speaking of which, even the doctor gets in on it. Do we need this? Do we need any of this?<\/p>\n

There are a few more conversations to round out the episode. Michelle and Schwartz go for a sound bath in a salt cave, which is so woo-woo that I just barfed up an entire eagle feather and sent it to the Golden Door for a cleansing ritual. Schwartz calls it their \u201cfirst date,\u201d which Michelle says it\u2019s not. I like the two of them together, I like the flirting vibe, but it\u2019s clear that Schwartz knows a good storyline when he sees it, and that Michelle is going along with it. She\u2019s downplaying it and pushing Schwartz away every opportunity she gets.<\/p>\n

Then Jesse goes to dinner with Lacy, and I\u2019m not sure what this is supposed to be about. Are we supposed to like Lacy? Are we supposed to like Jesse? Are we supposed to like Lacy because Jesse likes Lacy because, last I checked, none of us like Jesse and his slouchy knit cap that he wears indoors. She didn\u2019t do or say anything offensive at their dinner; she just gives me evil mastermind energy, and watching her makes me want to take a sound bath in a salt cave and, well, that just makes me hate myself.<\/p>\n

The final conversation of the episode really brings us full circle when Nia gets home from a long day in the car with a newborn who won\u2019t nurse. Danny is telling her about his vasectomy and saying he needs to not do any work around the house for 10 days. He gets the same stare she gave Janet, and then she tells him that if she can have a C-section where a knife cuts through seven layers of muscle like a Tostito slicing through a seven-layer dip, and be walking around later that same day, then he and his little balls are going to be fine.<\/p>\n

What does Danny do? He keeps making jokes about his \u201cswimmers,\u201d how he needs 30 ejaculates to get rid of them, and how much she\u2019s going to love helping him get them out. She might as well have reached to her bedside table, got a box of Kleenex, and told him to find Luke\u2019s Brandi Glanville subscription because that is all the help she is going to give him. She says that she has four kids, her house is a mess, her body is decimated, she thinks she\u2019s doing everything wrong, and she\u2019s on the verge of burnout. What does Danny tell her? He tells her to remember the important things, which is a good start, until he ends it with, \u201call the lovemaking I put on the calendar.\u201d She tells him that she feels like a failure, and he crows about how they\u2019re in the \u201choneymoon phase for life.\u201d That\u2019s when it goes down, that wall, as if an invisible shutter closed between them with Danny pawing at one side and Nia, on the verge of tears, fending him off. Yes, it\u2019s just 15 minutes out of her day, but it\u2019s every day, it\u2019s constant, it\u2019s like the roar of the ocean or the drone of killer bees, and if she can close her eyes for just a second, if she can look inward, maybe for just a second she can make the incessant need of the man across from her sound a little something like soothing.<\/p>\n

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