Readers Respond<\/p>\n
The previous question was from a reader who wondered whether he should tell his religious parents that he had lost his faith. He wrote:<\/p>\n
I\u2019m in my late 30s and grew up in Pakistan in a devout Muslim family. My parents and sisters still organize their lives around faith. \u2026 I left home at 17 for university and have lived independently ever since. I later moved to Europe and married a Christian woman, and I now have a 3-year-old daughter. Over the past 20 years, I have stopped practicing and no longer believe as my parents do. When they ask whether I pray or fast, I usually say yes, though it is untrue. \u2026 Recently, my mother sent me a long voice message saying she believes I no longer pray, and that this hurts and disappoints both her and my father. She also implied that my wife may have led me away from Islam, though my beliefs changed long before I met her. \u2026 What do I owe my parents ethically? Is protecting their peace of mind reason enough to keep lying, or do I have a responsibility to be honest about who I am, even if it hurts them? \u2014 Name Withheld<\/p>\n
In his response, the Ethicist noted:<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a meaningful distinction between deception and withholding, between actively misrepresenting yourself and simply not volunteering certain details. \u2026 You might be tempted to lie about your faith \u2014 pretending that you\u2019re fasting on Ramadan, going to mosque and so on. That\u2019s a temptation to resist. \u2026 But I\u2019d also resist the temptation to blow things up in the name of transparency. A middle way may be best, if it proves possible. That entails avoiding discussion of religion as much as you can, and not flaunting your skepticism. (Emotional openness isn\u2019t everything.) Anxiety about your commitment to Islam may well cause your parents less suffering than the certainty that you are on the road to eternal punishment. The bonds you have with them may never be the ones either of you imagined. They\u2019re partial and imperfect in all sorts of ways. That doesn\u2019t mean they aren\u2019t worth tending to.<\/p>\n