Broadcaster and TV exec Carol Hirschfeld<\/a> always wondered if she was \u201cbeing a girl\u201d in the right way after her mother died from a cerebral haemorrhage when Carol was 10. <\/p>\n![\"Broadcaster]()
Broadcaster Carol Hirschfeld felt the lack of having a mother to teach her about “being a girl”. Photo \/ Michael Craig<\/p>\n
Then, suicide. One person I spoke to said a parent who dies by suicide bequeaths an increased risk of suicidal ideation in their children, that \u201csuicide becomes a legitimate life option\u201d. <\/p>\n
Shared by pretty much all of us was the relief when we ticked over the birthday at which our parent died \u2013 a parent who will be forever younger than their child. <\/p>\n
Of all the themes in the stories, the limited ability most of us had to talk about our feelings, about our loss and about our parents was the most common and the most consequential. We had to learn later in life how to expose our vulnerabilities and express ourselves. <\/p>\n
There\u2019s useful stuff, too. Many say they\u2019re more independent and self-sufficient, more driven. They\u2019re empathetic, caring. Many would not be doing the work they do \u2013 funeral director, therapist, social worker, Victim Support volunteer, doctor, nurse, etc \u2013 if they hadn\u2019t experienced that painful childhood loss. <\/p>\n
Early trauma has taught us to deal with stress and hard things. The downside is we\u2019re good at pushing on, pushing down big emotions. Which works until it doesn\u2019t. <\/p>\n
But we also know to live each day, to jump at opportunities, to not sweat the small stuff. We are prepared in case what happened to our parents happens to us \u2013 we make wills, take out insurance if we can afford it. <\/p>\n
![\"Writer]()
Writer Lee-Anne Duncan, pictured a few months after losing her mother, says young children are changed forever by a parent’s death.<\/p>\n
The book, which will be out next year, includes about 35 stories. I\u2019m independently publishing and hope to find philanthropists to help fund what I believe is an important and much-needed work. <\/p>\n
As well as sparking recognition in others like us, we want our stories to help and give hope to families going through this today. <\/p>\n
We want them to know that, yes, it\u2019s horribly hard to have a parent die. And yes, the child left behind will be forever changed. But that child will always remember the love of their parent \u2013 we do \u2013 and, with the right supports, they should be okay.<\/p>\n
Even better than okay. Because, all things considered, we\u2019re amazing. <\/p>\n
Too young to die, too young to grieve<\/p>\n
A collection of quotes from some of those interviewed for Too Young reveals the lasting impact of a parent\u2019s death on their young children:<\/p>\n
\u201cOur mother cried every day for a year. We were completely and utterly lost.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cLosing one parent is hard, but we lost two. If counselling was available, I might have learned to cope a lot better with life.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cTo not have her here to ask questions is like having half the chapters ripped out of my book.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cThe lack of my ability to talk to someone in an open way about what I was going through was really hard. I had to internalise a lot.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cPeople were probably afraid of making us cry, so they said nothing about our parents.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cI remember kind of attaching myself to whoever was my football coach, like, \u2018Oh, he could help me with being my dad.\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cI feel disconnected from my past because no one exists now who was there then.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cIf something bad happened, I would think\u2026 \u2018I don\u2019t need anyone\u2019. It took me till my mid-30s to realise that wasn\u2019t the case.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cThe theme of my dad dying is that everyone forgot about me and my grief.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cI would look at other mothers and try to work out what they were telling their daughters about how to be a girl.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cI was angry I was losing Mum. I was raging inside and no one knew.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cIf he\u2019d lived, I\u2019d have never come to New Zealand, and my life would be somewhere else and completely, utterly different.\u201d\t<\/p>\n
\u201cIt may not have been the best growing up, but it\u2019s made me who I am. I am okay with that these days.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cMy subconscious was thinking, \u2018Life is short, go hard.\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cThe worst thing in my life was also responsible for some of the very best things in my life.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cEverything I can remember of my mum, which isn\u2019t a lot \u2026 I just remember being loved.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cThere can be as much joy in what you had as sadness in what\u2019s been lost.\u201d <\/p>\n
To find out more about the Too Young project or share your own story, see tooyoung.org.nz.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"My brother Jeff and I had been taken to play at a family friend\u2019s house. I had fun…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":4578,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[6186,6184,1061,6181,634,6179,6183,6175,2245,2881,3052,807,6174,6176,6187,2225,6178,111,139,69,1118,90,193,6185,3766,6177,3263,4062,6180,213,6100,6182,165,210,6173,1316,4741],"class_list":["post-4577","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-sports","tag-changed","tag-childhood","tag-children","tag-collected","tag-death","tag-died","tag-dozens","tag-duncan","tag-early","tag-explores","tag-faced","tag-kiwis","tag-leeanne","tag-legacy","tag-lives","tag-loss","tag-mother","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-of","tag-on","tag-other","tag-parent","tag-parents","tag-primary","tag-project","tag-school","tag-shes","tag-sports","tag-still","tag-stories","tag-their","tag-through","tag-too","tag-when","tag-young"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4577","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4577"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4577\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4578"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4577"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4577"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4577"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}