Dear Hera,\u00a0<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve recently made the decision to move back in with my parents. I\u2019m 24 and have been living independently for the past six years in a much larger, busier city than the one my parents live in. My whole social life is there; I did my undergraduate degree and worked there. I\u2019ve decided to move back for practical reasons (to save money) but mainly because I feel unmoored and don\u2019t really know what I want to do with my life. Why does this decision feel like such a failure? I\u2019m not really sure if I have a plan for what to do while living with my parents, and we get along well, but I feel such a sense of inadequacy and fomo to imagine all my friends living their lives without me. How do I regain my sense of agency and make this seem like the right decision?\u00a0<\/p>\n
Sincerely,\u00a0<\/p>\n
Hannah Horvath<\/p>\n
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<\/p>\n
Dear Horvath,<\/p>\n
No matter how sensible the decision to temporarily move back home, it\u2019s hard not to feel like both stepbrothers from the Criterion Collection classic, Step Brothers. But gone are the days when moving back in with your parents was a shameful indicator of personal ineptitude. More and more people are returning home, and the reason is obvious.<\/p>\n
The cost of living is sickening. For a recent university graduate on a beginner\u2019s salary, trying to pay off a student loan, it\u2019s hard enough to get by without even contemplating saving. When the only viable alternative is working a miserable low-wage job, just to spend the lion\u2019s share of your weekly paycheck on someone else\u2019s mortgage, moving home begins to sound better and better.<\/p>\n
Anyone who attributes your generation\u2019s failure to thrive to a lack of tenacity or profligate hedonism is completely out of touch with the current economic reality. Living at home is no longer a marker of failure, but an increasingly common economic necessity.<\/p>\n
It used to be affordable to work a minimum wage job and get a flat with a few of your mates, even if your job was bone-achingly dull and you were living in cheerful squalor. But as wages have stagnated, and the cost of housing and living expenses have continued to soar, the game feels increasingly rigged. What used to be a quintessential rite of passage has started to feel increasingly untenable. Not only is it harder than ever to get a job, this government is working as hard and fast as they can to systematically dismantle social safety nets, workers\u2019 rights, fair pay agreements and educational incentives, all at the expense of workers and students, while offering generous tax cuts and welfare packages to corporate interests.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s no shame in moving back home to save a little money and try to get some clarity about what to do next.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re lucky to have parents with whom you get on well and who are happy to allow you to move home. But that doesn\u2019t mean it will be an easy transition. It can be a huge shock to the system after so much independence. There\u2019s nothing like moving home to make you suddenly feel like a hostage of the past. It\u2019s easy to get sucked back into old patterns, or find yourself rehashing ancient arguments \u2013 becoming a version of yourself you thought you had transcended. It\u2019s strange to be an adult in the place you were a child, both for you and your parents, who may also struggle to remember you\u2019re a legal adult from time to time.<\/p>\n
The best way to make this feel like a good decision is to make the time count for something. We don\u2019t get many opportunities in our adult life to put our responsibilities on hold while we try to find some sense of existential purpose, and it\u2019s up to you to get as much as you can out of the experience. It doesn\u2019t have to mean occupational clarity. Maybe you\u2019ve always wanted to study overseas, or write a book, or take a night class in woodworking. This is the perfect time to explore your options and interests, without having to constantly hustle to pay the next bill.<\/p>\n
Something that might help is having some kind of goal or timeframe. It could be a savings target , or perhaps a date you want to have moved out by. But knowing that the situation is temporary might give you a little psychic relief, even if the date is a completely arbitrary one you can revisit at any time.<\/p>\n
A little fomo is inevitable, but depending on how far away your friends are, you can still make an effort to go and see them from time to time. You could organise a weekend camping trip or keep an eye on cheap flights and go back for the occasional visit. Organise a monthly video call, so you have something concrete to look forward to.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s easy to fall back into old habits when you move home. If you were a layabout teenager, the best way to make the situation easier on both you and your parents is to make a point of sharing the household responsibilities, like cooking and cleaning. This sort of stuff will go a long way to making sure you don\u2019t wear out your welcome. You should also try to enjoy this time with your family. You begin to develop a different relationship with your parents when they\u2019re no longer your legal guardians, and this might be a good chance to get to know them in a different way or discover a little more about their lives. Again, you don\u2019t get many opportunities like this in your adult life, so try to appreciate some home comforts and the chance to spend quality time with your family.<\/p>\n
You shouldn\u2019t feel embarrassed about your decision! The idea of moving out of home early and staying gone is a modern invention. There are many cultures and eras in which living at home is considered entirely normal. Think of it as a luxury. There aren\u2019t many periods in your life when you have the option of abdicating all responsibility in order to try and discover what you want to do, or be. Use the time to think deeply about your life and to explore interests and hobbies you wouldn\u2019t ordinarily have the patience or money for. But don\u2019t forget to waste a little time too! Go and feed the ducks and stare listlessly at a local water feature. Run a few errands with your dad, and help your mum in the garden. The world and your friends will still be waiting, whenever you\u2019re ready to return.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Why do I feel like such a failure? Want Hera\u2019s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz or\u00a0fill out…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":459773,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[156,18400,111,139,69,2935],"class_list":["post-459772","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-entertainment","tag-help-me-hera","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-society"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/459772","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=459772"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/459772\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/459773"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=459772"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=459772"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=459772"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}