Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman<\/a>, who have been married for 39 years, work together as counsellors and researchers studying what makes a good marriage. They co-founded the Gottman Institute and have become known for watching couples argue, often accurately predicting whether they will get divorced. The ones who are headed for divorce attack each other rather than the problem they are trying to work through.<\/p>\n![\"Julie]()
Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, who have been married for 39 years, work together as counsellors and researchers studying what makes a good marriage.<\/p>\n
Schwartz Gottman said a lot of traditional marriage advice isn\u2019t backed by research, including the classic, \u201cDon\u2019t go to bed angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFolks can go to bed angry. \u2026 It\u2019s not the end of the world. It\u2019s an emotion. It\u2019s hardwired in,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it can even be helpful to take a break during an argument, especially if you are getting worked up. In fight-or-flight mode, it\u2019s difficult to listen thoughtfully and solve a problem.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t just walk out in a huff. Schwartz Gottman offered two pieces of guidance when pausing an argument: agree with your partner on a time to revisit the conversation, and don\u2019t stew about the fight. Try to distract yourself and think about something else.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe found that 69% of problems that couples have between them are perpetual. They never go away,\u201d Schwartz Gottman said. \u201cYou\u2019re always going to have some kind of conflict.\u201d<\/p>\n
Often these disagreements are differences in personality or how you were raised. But they don\u2019t have to spell disaster – as long as couples can come to terms with their differences. And avoid what the Gottmans call the four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. If you are stuck in that cycle and unhappy, it\u2019s important to seek help, they said.<\/p>\n
The Gottmans said even they slip up sometimes in their own marriage and find themselves being defensive or critical. When that happens, Schwartz Gottman said, they will gently call each other out or catch themselves and apologise.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe make a repair, just like everybody else,\u201d Schwartz Gottman said. \u201cWe\u2019re in the same soup.\u201d<\/p>\n
Say thank you. For everything<\/p>\n
Pam and Bob Nolan met in a bar nearly 50 years ago when they were both in their early 20s. They have now been married for 47 years.<\/p>\n
At first she thought he wasn\u2019t her type. She had always dated tall guys, and he was on the shorter side. She had dated older guys, and he was younger than her. And yet, she said, she had this feeling that this would be an important person in her life.<\/p>\n
![\"Pam]()
Pam and Bob Nolan on their wedding day, October 7, 1978. Photo \/ Pam Nolan via The Washington Post<\/p>\n
\u201cI had this little zing,\u201d Pam said. They got engaged two months later.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy biggest advice is to let your partner know that you appreciate everything that they do,\u201d Pam said. \u201cWe thank each other for everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
No act of service is too small to notice in the Nolans\u2019 marriage. Bob lets out the dog? Pam says, \u201cThank you for letting the dog out.\u201d Pam unloads the dishwasher? Bob says, \u201cThank you for unloading the dishwasher.\u201d<\/p>\n
The benefits of gratitude are well-documented, both for relationships and individual mental health. And research shows we often underestimate how much our thanks will be appreciated.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think it\u2019s really important\u201a\u201d Pam said. \u201cI\u2019ve written it in wedding cards.\u201d<\/p>\n
Believe your relationship will last<\/p>\n
The Gargs sometimes have had conflict about how to raise their children, handle their businesses or other matters. In fact, if you watch their family podcast or Zarna\u2019s stand-up, you\u2019ll learn they often disagree vehemently (and hilariously – a lot of her comedy is about their marriage). <\/p>\n
But they always try to be respectful to each other and both say that they believe they are where they\u2019re supposed to be. That\u2019s what carries them through the challenges.<\/p>\n
![\"Zarna]()
Zarna Garg\u2019s bridal portrait. Photo \/ Zarna Garg via The Washington Post<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have a good thing going, but it\u2019s a work in progress,\u201d Zarna said. \u201cI think it\u2019s a decision that you make every day; that you\u2019re better off as a unit than you would be alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Several years ago, Zarna and Shalabh started taking daily walks together, and they were surprised by how much it helped them connect.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s impossible not to feel gratitude when you\u2019re moving,\u201d Zarna said.<\/p>\n
She also said it helps that they have always been committed to the idea of their marriage.<\/p>\n
\u201cBelieving you\u2019re going to make it is going to help you make it,\u201d Zarna said.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Shalabh and Zarna Garg early in their relationship. Photo \/ Zarna Garg via The Washington Post They say…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":460175,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[3225,1665,677,12448,156,51500,221,78,302,233525,636,111,139,69,26765,193,520,2069,6432,61],"class_list":["post-460174","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-according","tag-advice","tag-angry","tag-couples","tag-entertainment","tag-happy","tag-how","tag-in","tag-its","tag-longmarried","tag-marriage","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-okay","tag-other","tag-relationship","tag-stay","tag-surprising","tag-to"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/460174","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=460174"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/460174\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/460175"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=460174"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=460174"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=460174"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}