I\u2019m worried. How can I best manage the situation? I would hate to hear from my parents, \u201cI told you so,\u201d but I also don\u2019t want to end a relationship over this despite knowing that money issues are legitimate.<\/p>\n
– Money Talk<\/p>\n
Money Talk: Everyone has a money story. For some, like you, it may be about being more disciplined \u2013 either because of experiencing hardship, learning financial responsibility or fearing \u201cnot having\u201d money. Your girlfriend, who has taken on a major financial burden without fully questioning or understanding the details, may be more avoidant about money because she has been taught to defer to her parents (who have their own story around money equalling status \u2013 even if it means living out of their means).<\/p>\n
Neither you nor your girlfriend\u2019s attitude about money is inherently \u201cright\u201d or \u201cwrong\u201d \u2013 but without awareness, they\u2019ll clash. The real work is to uncover the stories behind both of your money habits, so you can consciously choose which ones to carry forward into your partnership, and which ones to release.<\/p>\n
It is important for every relationship, regardless of financial situation, to have the big talk about money. So before you get to the specifics of your girlfriend\u2019s situation, zoom out. You can use resources like Money for Couples or Feel-Good Finance (written by a financial therapist!), which can both help you broach this scary conversation. For starters, discuss your shared goals. So instead of focusing on numbers, consider what values you both agree on when it comes to lifestyle and your future together \u2013 things like wanting stability, freedom to travel or having a retirement plan. Once these goals are named, you can start to explore specifics (i.e. When you say you want stability, what would that actually look like in our bank accounts, or in how we spend money day-to-day?). It may even help to have one active goal you work toward together, like saving for your wedding or a home purchase. These shared values and goals will shed light on what emotions are coming up and whether you and your girlfriend even want the same things.<\/p>\n
These conversations should be ongoing and consistent. Consider incorporating this into your relationship by having a \u201cmoney date\u201d each week or month where you both talk about finances openly and non-judgmentally. This allows you to practise talking about money regularly the same way you\u2019d talk about hopes, sex or health, and it allows for financial transparency.<\/p>\n
When you do talk to your girlfriend about this specific concern, frame it as wanting to build a healthy future together, not as judging her family. Instead of \u201cyou need to get details,\u201d use us language and say, \u201cif we\u2019re planning a future together, I\u2019d feel more secure if we had clarity on this\u201d. You can even bring back your shared goals as a way to voice concerns on how this is going to hinder achieving those. You deserve to know if you\u2019re agreeing to supporting her parents occasionally or if you\u2019re being locked into their financial mistakes indefinitely. Asking for details like what her monthly obligation is or what happens if she were to stop contributing (legally, is this falling on her anyway?) helps you understand if you\u2019re both on the same page.<\/p>\n
And maybe getting on the same page means being okay with her parents misunderstanding your relationship and \u201cblaming\u201d you but knowing you and her are in this together. Or it may mean you\u2019ll need scaffolding, like paperwork, in place (which I know can feel countercultural) so her responsibility won\u2019t fall on you. And ultimately, it will mean having bigger conversations about both of your needs in the relationship to feel secure, trusting and aligned as partners in life.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s valid to be afraid of your parents\u2019 \u201cI told you so,\u201d but it can\u2019t become a factor in your relationship. The key issue isn\u2019t that her parents made poor choices; it\u2019s whether your girlfriend is able (and willing) to manage her financial life with you. If she shows accountability and willingness to learn, that\u2019s different from her blindly repeating her parents\u2019 patterns.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I\u2019m worried. How can I best manage the situation? I would hate to hear from my parents, \u201cI…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":46118,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[1665,198,40570,40569,156,811,1333,31989,13025,40571,636,9610,29135,111,139,5006,69,6134,3766,6180,8229,3270,27904,1965],"class_list":["post-46117","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-advice","tag-can","tag-considering","tag-disciplined","tag-entertainment","tag-financially","tag-get","tag-im","tag-irresponsible","tag-letter","tag-marriage","tag-married","tag-monetary","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-not","tag-nz","tag-obligations","tag-parents","tag-shes","tag-they","tag-we","tag-worry","tag-writer"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46117","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46117"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46117\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/46118"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46117"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46117"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46117"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}