By Peyton Andino<\/p>\n
Disclaimer: Like a first-year student believing they should buy all their required textbooks, this story is completely incorrect.\u00a0<\/p>\n
As usual, every first-year student is being an absolute dorking loser and buying textbooks just because their syllabus says so.<\/p>\n
At the heart of this issue stupidly sits first-year geology major Bobby Schnozwell, who was reported to have purchased every single textbook mentioned on his course outline, with the cost coming out to around six bajillion dollars and the total number of books purchased being five.<\/p>\n
Schnozwell was spotted by a total hunk of a reporter (definitely not me) hunched over \u201cA Brief History of Pebbles\u201d and snorting up whatever snot\u00a0was leftover from the dreaded freshman flu.<\/p>\n
\u201cEugh\u2026 Jeez, my mom said thewe\u2019d be guys wike you\u201d<\/p>\n
In the worst interview The Eyeopener has ever gotten, he said through the most nasal voice he could probably muster, \u201cEugh\u2026 jeez, my mom said thewe\u2019d be guys wike you. Of couwse I had to get eweything.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
After being punched square in the circular glasses and stuffed into a locker by a bully from an 80s movie, Schnozwell continued, \u201cappawently, all the books were witten by my pwofessor. What\u2019s the pwoblem with that? I willy wike supporting
small businesses!\u201d<\/p>\n
There\u2019s been a reported bullying problem on the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) campus as the bookstore\u2019s line down Gould Street filled with first-years, who have complained about consistent pies-to-faces, atomic wedgies and noogies at the hands of guys who look like Biff from Back to the Future.<\/p>\n
The university\u2019s consistent history of general punching down is extremely consistent with its inferiority complex but the problem has been exacerbated in recent years due to the general cornball nature of incoming freshmen.<\/p>\n
\u201cI haven\u2019t sold a single Business Management sweater to anyone today!\u201d<\/p>\n
Due to the influx of geeks, nerds and freaks, the regular folks have fled the campus bookstore, with the employees finally happy that someone came in and didn\u2019t buy a sweater.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re out of textbooks, but I haven\u2019t sold a single Business Management sweater to anyone today! We used to sell like five of those per minute!\u201d lamented campus store employee Rhea Tyl-Wurker. \u201cAt least with the textbooks gone it doesn\u2019t smell like desperation and sweat\u2026No, I lied\u2026it still does.\u201d<\/p>\n
Schnozwell\u2019s main issue continues to be the fact that walking down the hall carrying his textbooks has caused him to be the laughing stock of Kerr Hall East.<\/p>\n
Security cameras have caught Schnozwell being pulled into the men\u2019s washroom and given a swirlie, people throwing slushies in his face and assorted TMU Bold varsity jacket wearers laughing at him while cracking their knuckles and smirking.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt least\u2026it doesn\u2019t smell like desperation and sweat\u2026No, I lied\u2026it still does\u201d<\/p>\n
Campus behavioural research expert Imna Treal stated that this makes sense due to the fact that Schnozwell is\u00a0a loser, actually, and buying textbooks is for stupid dweebs.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen have you needed a textbook? No, seriously\u2014other than those stupid ones with codes, when has studying from one actually worked?\u201d said Treal. \u201cOur recommendation at the TMU Office of Discovery and Looking at your Search History (TMUODLSH) is to just copy the notes of the guy on Snapchat selling them.<\/p>\n
First-years are being instructed to shelter in place and watch out for incoming spitballs. Or don\u2019t. NERD!<\/p>\n
\n\tRelated<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"By Peyton Andino Disclaimer: Like a first-year student believing they should buy all their required textbooks, this story…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":53518,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[30],"tags":[489,156,111,139,69],"class_list":["post-53517","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-books","tag-books","tag-entertainment","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/53517","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=53517"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/53517\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/53518"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=53517"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=53517"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=53517"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}