The Valley<\/a><\/p>\nThe Valley of the Damned<\/p>\n
\n Season 3<\/p>\n
Episode 18\n <\/p>\n
\n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n
2 stars<\/p>\n
**\n <\/p>\n
\n Janet and Danny hitting a stalemate for the millionth time in the finale sets up the reunion and the future of the series for failure.
\n Photo: Griffin Nagel\/Bravo\n <\/p>\n
Yikes, this finale fell as flat and dully as Janet\u2019s solo cup hit Danny\u2019s head. I will admit, though, I did love how the hollow sound of it ricocheting off his head and hitting the ground was the equivalent of a \u201cwomp womp womp.\u201d For their stalemate to have eclipsed an entire season, it\u2019s disappointing that this is the climax of it all. But what else can we expect from someone as uninspired as Janet (I do admire her effort, poor thing) and someone as inarticulate and sloppy as Danny? They\u2019re two personalities so devoid of charisma it\u2019s a shame the entire season orbited around their grievances.<\/p>\n
At least Janet has the wherewithal to understand how reality TV works (hello conflict, meet resolution), whereas Danny is too dimwitted to grasp not only what he did but also how to repent for it. For the episode to end with Danny looking dead into the camera, saying he\u2019s \u201cactually a really, really good guy,\u201d and that this sentiment is backed by \u201cpeople of wisdom\u201d (a.k.a. Hillsong Church) sent a literal chill down my spine. He continues with: \u201cI know who I am; I\u2019m a man of character and integrity.\u201d Whoa. Slow down, evil Kelvin Gemstone.<\/p>\n
Danny Booko\u2019s behavior has forced every cast member of The Valley to wrangle with their personal value system in a way no one has the range for. I fear this cast is more concerned about being on their perceived \u201cright\u201d side of history than actually understanding and learning from the nuances of the situation. Unfortunately, this is another way the show mirrors our modern culture, as Dame Moylan pointed out last week. We\u2019re still trying to figure out how to deal with the Dannys of the world \u2014 how do we coexist with men (and the people who support them) who still have one foot in the boys club? How do we hold these people accountable while also allowing room for growth? But is there room for growth without true contrition?<\/p>\n
These are important questions (and probably better directed to people a bit more cerebral than Brittany Cartwright and co.), but you\u2019ll find none of the answers by watching The Valley. Here, you\u2019re either Team Janet or Team Danny, the future of the show be damned. The lines are so rigid that at Brittany\u2019s party, Kristen lies through her teeth about slipping information to Team Janet, regardless of whether the information was as innocuous as saying Nia \u201cguilt trips\u201d Zack into not being Janet\u2019s friend (although, through a game of telephone, it gets back to him that Nia \u201cmanipulates\u201d him). Lala and Brittany gasp at Kristen\u2019s ability to change her tune with such conviction a mere three days after their conversation, but Zack firmly aligns himself with Kristen because for him, the thought of conceding to team Janet is likely to lead to even less control of his bodily functions than he had at Chili\u2019s.<\/p>\n
Most of the episode takes place during Brittany\u2019s vampire-themed finale party, which is ironic because the cast of this spin-off is sucking the last bit of life out of its predecessor while lacking the vitality to carry the show on their own. Although they do put up a fight at the beginning of the episode. I especially appreciate seeing Brittany\u2019s journey as the parent of a child on the spectrum. I loved Cruz\u2019s nonverbal friendly trick-or-treat basket and seeing his sensory play room come to fruition throughout the season. Meanwhile, Jesse accompanies Lacey to an egg-freezing consultation, showing us a rare glimpse at the more tender side of their relationship, and Kristen and Luke continue to be candid about the good, the bad, and the ugly (Luke\u2019s misogyny and Kristen\u2019s hormone-exacerbated lack of emotional regulation) of their postpartum journey as they break down their therapy session.<\/p>\n
However, no amount of personal story can pluck out the thorn in our side that Janet versus Danny. To the show\u2019s detriment, every other storyline has become secondary to this divide, putting the finale in a precarious position as it must somehow tie all this discord into a neat narrative bow. We get a moment of hope when Lala and Nia try to find common ground. I\u2019m starting to believe that we can predict Nia\u2019s demeanor by the size and tightness of her prairie dress sleeves. Maybe it\u2019s a secret tradwife code she learned watching Mormons on TikTok. Here, they\u2019re dainty and loose, almost as a signal to Lala that she\u2019s ready to put down her weapons for a woman-to-woman chat. Nia\u2019s vulnerability helps further disarm Lala, who seems to actually want to meet in the middle. With Adelaide firmly in her lap (I swear she\u2019s had more screen time than Melissa and Benji combined), she discusses her chaotic childhood that included bouts of homelessness and an emotionally distant father. She talks about her desire for unwavering love and stability, which she claims she gets from Danny (ew, I pray that type of \u201clove\u201d never finds me).<\/p>\n
Lala is able to respect Nia\u2019s perspective, though she still can\u2019t quite get past her disdain for Danny\u2019s bad behavior, leaving things between her and the package deal that is the Bookos back at square one. By the time we get to Brittany\u2019s party, there\u2019s still little resolve between the two sides, but the cast knows they\u2019ve got to land this plane somehow, so, like the vampires they\u2019re dressed as, they sink their teeth into anything with pulse in an attempt to keep themselves and the show alive. They start with a softball before Janet and Danny face each other head-on. Lala relays to Janet the conversation she had with Kristen at Brittany\u2019s photoshoot. She says that despite the progress Janet thinks she made in their friendship, according to Kristen, Zack is still talking shit.<\/p>\n
Janet tells Zack that it sounds like Kristen is throwing him under the bus to ensure he doesn\u2019t make up with her. Zack doesn\u2019t waver, saying in his confessional that he finds it more frustrating that Lala and Brittany are \u201cplotting\u201d to make it seem like Kristen is stirring the pot. Frustrated with talking in circles, Janet candidly asks Zack if they\u2019re actually moving forward with their friendship. But before they can dissect anything further, Jesse enters from stage right, ready to play his favorite game: whack-a-mole with Janet\u2019s head. Janet walks away as he starts spewing his hate, but since the cameras are still rolling, Jesse stays clocked in, leaping at the chance to rile up Michelle. He confronts his ex-wife about the comedian she\u2019s dating, accusing her of introducing Isabella to him.<\/p>\n
Jesse effectively ruins the progress he and Michelle have made toward amicability. Truthfully, I think having a Bravo paycheck is worth more to Jesse than a healthy relationship wth Michelle. He calls Michelle\u2019s behavior hypocritical because she made such a big deal about how quickly Isabella met Lacey, while also throwing Michelle\u2019s breakup with Aaron in her face to make it seem as if there\u2019s a revolving door of men in Isabella\u2019s life. Michelle claims the only reason Isabella met the comedian is that she happened to be there while Michelle was showing him a house. Whether this meeting took place before or after Michelle started dating him is unclear \u2014 and I honestly don\u2019t really care. What I do find interesting is Michelle\u2019s new beau, Dr. Dre, and her creepy insistence on WWHL that he\u2019s a \u201cwonderful man,\u201d which is a descriptor I\u2019ve never heard associated with the guy who has a whole section on his Wikipedia titled, \u201cViolence against women,\u201d but I digress.<\/p>\n
Jasmine, taking a hint from Jesse about keeping her check from the show (especially with those wedding invoices piling up), leaches off the tension and gives us her first and only decent line of the season with, \u201cComedian? But she doesn\u2019t even laugh; how is she dating a comedian?\u201d She\u2019s not wrong! Michelle\u2019s grown on me outside of Jesse\u2019s shadow, but she\u2019s still a bit of a wallflower who needs a bigger personality to latch onto (this is why I could never take her and Schwartz seriously; two bottoms never work out). Thankfully, she has that in her emotional support bestie Natalie, who jumps to her defense when Jasmine messily tries to stick up for Jesse. Natalie and her voice (I\u2019m still laughing at when Schwartz met her earlier this season and said she sounded like an \u201coracle\u201d) come on a little too strong for Jasmine\u2019s tastes, and it turns into calling each other bitches. Michelle separates the two, and the spat between Natalie and Jasmine ends as fast as it began, bringing us back into the inescapable trenches of the Danny vs Janet war.<\/p>\n
As all of this finale drama is happening around him, Danny gets increasingly drunker, foreshadowing absolutely nothing good coming our way. Jason, \u201clooking for a place to rest his leg\u201d (lol, heavy on the air quotes because we all know production told his ass to go over there), finds the inebriated Danny lounging alone in a corner probably attempting to keep the spins at bay. He immediately demands that Danny apologize to Lala for their altercation in Mexico. \u201cApologize\u201d is one of Danny\u2019s trigger words, so he strikes back defensively. It\u2019s not really Jason\u2019s place to mine for atonement on Lala\u2019s behalf; however, the lawyer in him is clearly, albeit clumsily, trying to lay out a pattern of bad behavior that includes speaking to women disrespectfully.<\/p>\n
Production herds over Lala and Janet to get them to join the conversation because we have to try and find an ending. Danny butchers his way through his testimony, saying he doesn\u2019t owe Janet an apology because she\u2019s \u201cnever apologized for anything.\u201d He goes as far as to argue that since Jason has blacked out from alcohol before, there\u2019s no way to know if he\u2019s grabbed an ass before (???). They keep going with Jason threatening to beat Danny\u2019s ass and Danny childishly retorting, \u201cWhat\u2019re you going to do with your bum leg?\u201d<\/p>\n
Danny is so drunk and self-righteous there\u2019s no point. Seriously, Janet, let Danny drink himself into a ditch. I promise his character speaks for itself, and it will again and again. But instead of letting him show his ass on his own, Janet wanted a moment, so she cringily threw the drink at Danny. The fan in her couldn\u2019t help it. Sadly, with both parties walking away from the finale more divided than ever, only a miracle reunion could revive the season after they\u2019ve sucked the life out of it.<\/p>\n
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