Not for her.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe support drops off very quickly,\u201d the Napier woman said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s nobody\u2019s fault. People\u2019s lives are busy.\u201d<\/p>\n
More than three years after losing her husband to lung cancer, Mary still sometimes wakes to the silence beside her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI still open my eyes in the morning and sometimes just have a wee cry because there\u2019s nobody in bed with you,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe evenings are the hardest. It\u2019s just so lonely.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mary, in her 60s, worked for a few more years in her chosen profession before choosing to retire, but that only increased the sense of being alone.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was ready to finish work, but I really miss the company,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t know how to be me without him.\u201d<\/p>\n
She described the first year after his death as almost a blank.<\/p>\n
Friends remained supportive, but most were married and busy with their own families. <\/p>\n
Much of her family lives outside Hawke\u2019s Bay, making regular visits difficult.<\/p>\n
Although social media could help people stay connected, she said it couldn\u2019t replace face-to-face contact.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not the same.\u201d<\/p>\n
One thing she misses most is the simple human touch.<\/p>\n
\u201cI really miss man hugs,\u201d she said with a laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, when I see some of my friends\u2019 husbands, I make sure I give them a hug because you miss the contact.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mary even tried dating again, going on a few coffee dates, but said the experience left her feeling disappointed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn the end, I felt that they were all just looking for a rich widow,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Lately, one thing that has helped ease the loneliness has been connecting with other women who have experienced a similar loss.<\/p>\n
Mary joined a Hawke\u2019s Bay widows club<\/a>, where they meet regularly for dinners, drinks, and social outings. <\/p>\n \u201cThat has been very cathartic.\u201d<\/p>\n For her, joining groups didn\u2019t immediately solve everything, but it gave her somewhere to begin.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was very hard, and I had to really make myself get out and do different things, and try and meet new people, and that\u2019s been a journey on its own.\u201d<\/p>\n Mary\u2019s experience is far from unique.<\/p>\n Age Concern Hawke\u2019s Bay manager Dairne Withers said loneliness and social isolation were among the most common issues affecting older people every day.<\/p>\n In the past year, the organisation\u2019s elder abuse service received 475 referrals, while another 328 people were referred to its community support team.<\/p>\n That was more than 800 referrals across those two services alone. <\/p>\n For many of them, loneliness and social isolation were at the heart of their struggles.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a common occurrence to see the role that isolation plays in making somebody vulnerable to abuse,\u201d Withers said.<\/p>\n \u201cUnfortunately, the referrals don\u2019t slow down. When I came to Age Concern in 2021, our referrals for that kind of space were in the 100-and-something.\u201d<\/p>\n Age Concern also helped 842 people through its health promotion and social connection programmes during the past year.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s been well researched that loneliness and social isolation have a significant impact on mental health,\u201d Withers said.<\/p>\n She said many older people first sought help after losing a partner, finding themselves living alone for the first time.<\/p>\n To help rebuild social connections, Age Concern runs free services and activities including a volunteer visiting service, card and knitting groups, shared meals, workshops and the Steady As You Go strength and balance falls\u2011prevention programme. <\/p>\n The classes are held weekly at more than 20 locations across Hawke\u2019s Bay.<\/p>\n \u201cWe often see people come for the exercise, but what they really gain are friendships,\u201d Withers said.<\/p>\n \u201cThose friendships continue outside the group. They\u2019ll catch up for lunch, go on outings together and become a real support network.\u201d<\/p>\n Personal trainer Denise Dahlberg, who specialises in rehabilitation for older adults, said isolation was often linked to a loss of strength, balance and confidence.<\/p>\n Many of her clients, aged between 60 and 83, had gradually stopped going out after surgery, injury or declining mobility, she said.<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re too scared to go for a walk because they might fall over. And then, they\u2019re isolated even more,\u201d Dahlberg said.<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019ve lost strength and balance, and through that they lose their confidence. Then, when they lose their confidence, they do even less, and that\u2019s where the decline can happen quite quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n She said mobility and strength were crucial for seniors who lived alone, giving them a better chance of getting themselves up if they had a fall.<\/p>\n For her, every step forward was also a step away from isolation.<\/p>\n Aged 63, Dahlberg said she understood how loneliness could feel.<\/p>\n Having moved back to Hawke\u2019s Bay about 18 months ago following the end of her marriage, she said she had few friends and no family and often found herself on her own.<\/p>\n \u201cHowever, I do have a job, and I\u2019m able to get my connections through my clients, but a lot of my clients just don\u2019t have those connections because they\u2019ve kind of almost given up on themselves,\u201d Dahlberg said.<\/p>\n Alongside the connections she made through work, Dahlberg joined a walking group to meet new people and avoid becoming isolated.<\/p>\n \u201cI think doing something, or even joining a group, can make all the difference,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd that\u2019s easier said than done.\u201d<\/p>\n *Name has been changed.<\/p>\n Places that can help<\/p>\n Age Concern Hawke\u2019s Bay<\/a> – 06 870 9060<\/p>\n Grey Power<\/a> – 0800 473 979<\/p>\n Dementia Hawkes Bay<\/a><\/p>\n Enliven Older People <\/a>– 0800 436548<\/p>\n