This post, in a manner of speaking, is about the weather. A father, we can call him Mike, told me something that sounded almost like a superpower. He said, \u201cI can tell from the first three words of her text what kind of night we\u2019re going to have.\u201d To clarify, his 29-year-old daughter, Sophia, didn\u2019t live with him, which was the striking part. Remarkably, she actually lived 40 miles away, yet Mike could detect an approaching storm before it arrived. <\/p>\n
I asked Mike to explain this further, and he shared what happens when Sophia says, \u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d That often translates to a possible financial storm. Or when Sophia leads with \u201cYou\u2019re probably going to say no, but\u2026,\u201d that forecasts a high probability of conflict. Now let’s get to the doozy. Mike elaborated: “When Sophia says, ‘Never mind,’ I have come to see that as a severe emotional storm approaching.”<\/p>\n
The Most Ominous Forecast of All<\/p>\n
Mike continued with his weather metaphor and said, “Dr. Jeff, I haven’t even told you the most ominous forecast of all: That’s when there are actually no texts from Sophia.” Mike told me that Sophia’s silence could send him into checking his phone every 15 minutes. Like many of my parent coaching<\/a> clients, Mike had become extraordinarily good at predicting his adult child’s “emotional weather.” The problem was that he was no longer living in his own climate. When parents live in a hypervigilant state of anticipating either the next metaphorical thunderstorm, hurricane, or, worse yet, tsunami of stress<\/a> related to their struggling adult child, it can really compromise their emotional health. <\/p>\n When Your Nervous System Becomes the Doppler Radar<\/p>\n Parents of struggling adult children often tell me they are exhausted. How would they not be? Sometimes, though, it isn\u2019t primarily because of what their adult child is doing. It\u2019s because of what these parents tell me they are anticipating. They get pulled into maddening overthinking loops such as these: Will she lose the job? Will he ask for money? Is she angry with me? Did I say too much? Should I text? Should I wait? What if he spirals? What if I don\u2019t answer? <\/p>\n Staying with the weather metaphor, without realizing it, the parent\u2019s nervous system<\/a> becomes a kind of Doppler radar, constantly scanning the horizon for the next emotional storm. One of the most annoying things about this scenario is that the parent’s radar occasionally works. It is agonizing for parents when they are “right” sometimes, because that’s what makes the pattern so hard to break.<\/p>\n When the Forecast Starts Running the House<\/p>\n A mother I\u2019ll call Susan noticed that she and her husband had stopped making weekend plans until they knew how their 34-year-old son was doing. If he seemed stable, they relaxed, but if he sounded discouraged, they stayed close to home. And if their son was angry (which was often the case), the entire weekend felt contaminated. During a coaching session with me, I gently asked Susan, \u201cWhy does his bad day have to become our bad day?\u201d That question mattered because it helped Susan realize that compassion and emotional synchronization are not the same thing. You can care deeply that your adult child is struggling without requiring your own emotional state to match theirs.<\/p>\n You Don\u2019t Have to Control the Forecast<\/p>\n Parents sometimes believe peace will arrive when their adult child finally becomes more stable. Sure, I get why you would go there, but that gives another person (your adult child) enormous control over when your life gets to feel OK. I’m here to encourage you to consider a different goal. <\/p>\n Here’s a caring, supportive newsflash for you: You can love your adult child without monitoring yourself and them 24\/7. That means you can be aware of their storms without standing outside in them. And yes, you can answer the phone or respond to that text message without assuming you must fix what you hear.<\/p>\n No One Is Saying You Should Be Indifferent<\/p>\n In my work with parents of struggling adult children\u2014and in my book, You Ruined My Life\u2014Now You Owe Me! How to Stop Rescuing, Reduce Conflict, and Help Your Adult Child Move Forward\u2014I often emphasize the difference between supporting an adult child and becoming responsible for keeping their life emotionally regulated. This means learning that you can have emotional separation with love. Let me put it another way: You can pay attention<\/a> to your adult child’s weather without making it your climate.<\/p>\n The Takeaway<\/p>\n Yes, your adult child may still have storms. So remember: The healthier goal isn\u2019t to stop the rain. Rather, it\u2019s to stop living every day with your eyes fixed on the radar.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"This post, in a manner of speaking, is about the weather. 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