{"id":58079,"date":"2025-10-03T10:27:14","date_gmt":"2025-10-03T10:27:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/58079\/"},"modified":"2025-10-03T10:27:14","modified_gmt":"2025-10-03T10:27:14","slug":"11-money-lessons-from-smart-women-who-learned-the-hard-way","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/58079\/","title":{"rendered":"11 money lessons from smart women who learned the hard way"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you\u2019ve ever raised tween girls<\/a>, been a tween girl yourself, or watched any shows with tweens in them, you\u2019ll be all too familiar with tween girl drama<\/a>. The eye rolling, the aloofness, the cattiness, the meltdowns<\/a>\u2026you get the idea. <\/p>\n

But what if this newfound attitude isn\u2019t just preteen girls being difficult, but a symptom of chronic dysregulation? <\/p>\n

That was the insight recently given by Dr. Chelsey Hauge Zavaleta<\/a>, who argued that most parents don\u2019t understand that between the ages of 8 and 12, their daughter’s brain is \u201crewiring itself while her confidence forms.\u201d <\/p>\n

And because of that, Zavaleta explained, her \u201cnervous system is stuck in a constant state of overwhelm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe will be unable to cooperate, not that she won’t, not that she’s being bratty, refusing, defiant, rude, she cannot cooperate. Her nervous system is too overwhelmed, and your task is to help her bring it down.\u201d<\/p>\n

Zavaleta then listed the five typical \u201ctween drama\u201d behaviors that, when constant and persistent, could be signs of an overworked nervous system. <\/p>\n

1. She can’t do basic routines that she has always done before.<\/p>\n

\"preteen It’s not just laziness. Photo credit: Canva<\/a><\/p>\n

While it might be irksome for parents to now give reminder after reminder for something they know their daughter knows about, Dr. Zavaleta kindly offered the reminder that, \u201cThis isn’t defiance. She’s too dysregulated to access her thinking brain.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. She makes nasty comments during family time.<\/p>\n

\"preteen It’s not just sibling rivalry. Photo credit: Canva<\/a><\/p>\n

This doesn\u2019t come from meanness so much as deep insecurity. <\/p>\n

\u201cShe’s sitting there in your family, feeling judged and alone. The attention feels overwhelming when her nervous system is already maxed out,\u201d said Zavaleta. <\/p>\n

3. She doesn’t care about stuff she used to care about.<\/p>\n

\"preteen It’s not just depression.Photo credit: Canva<\/a><\/p>\n

Contrary to what it looks like, she actually cares so much that it is unbearable. To cope, she willfully disconnects. <\/p>\n

\u201cShe cares so much, it hurts, but caring feels dangerous right now. Disconnection is protection when everything feels too intense.\u201d<\/p>\n

4. She is constantly picking fights with her siblings.<\/p>\n

\"preteen It’s not just an attitude. Photo credit: Canva<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cShe’s looking for connection, but she only knows how to get attention through conflict. Her nervous system is seeking regulation through the friction created by drama,\u201d Zavaleta explained. <\/p>\n

5. She cries over \u201cnothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"preteen It’s not just a meltdown. Photo credit: Canva<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cSpilled milk becomes a huge meltdown,\u201d said Zavaleta, painting a picture. <\/p>\n

Thing is, \u201cwhen your system is already flooded, the smallest thing is gonna tip you right over,\u201d she added. <\/p>\n

\u201cThose tears aren’t about the milk, they’re about everything else.\u201d<\/p>\n

When put through this lens, it\u2019s easy to see how \u201cthese are not behavior problems to be fixed with consequences,\u201d as Zavaleta put it. Rather, they’re \u201cregulation problems\u201d that need co-regulation support from the parents. After all, at this age kids are still hardwired to their parents’ nervous systems, making it all the more imperative for parents to model healthy regulation practices. <\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you stay calm and grounded, she can access that state as well. When you are also dysregulated because parenting a dysregulated tween is hard, you’re both stuck in survival mode.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bottom line: when you think about all the inner \u201cconstruction\u201d going on, in addition to external factors\u2014more and more school responsibilities, increasingly complicated friendships, a transforming body, etc.\u2014there\u2019s no doubt that young girls didn\u2019t suddenly become ornery for no reason.<\/p>\n

When parents feel that a boundary needs to be made, child counselor Katie Lear<\/a> suggests offering a chance for \u201cdo-overs\u201d when they catch an attitude. This helps preteens become more aware and gives them another opportunity to communicate calmly. Alternatively, parents can offer \u201cnatural consequences\u201d that help preteens better understand cause and effect. She uses the example of not being available to drive her to a friend if you\u2019re spending time doing the chores she fails to do. <\/p>\n

None of this makes parenting during the tween phase any easier, per se. However, it does hopefully provide insight and tools that can elicit compassion, strengthen relationships, and offer an opportunity for both parents and children to emerge from a notoriously tumultuous chapter a little more grounded. <\/p>\n