{"id":581168,"date":"2026-08-26T19:08:09","date_gmt":"2026-08-26T19:08:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/581168\/"},"modified":"2026-08-26T19:08:09","modified_gmt":"2026-08-26T19:08:09","slug":"when-love-sours-psychology-today-new-zealand","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/581168\/","title":{"rendered":"When Love Sours | Psychology Today New Zealand"},"content":{"rendered":"

In an interview with Alvin P. Sanoff for U.S. News & World Report, Elie Wiesel offered a line I now hear repeated often: “The opposite of love<\/a> is not hate, it\u2019s indifference.” Wiesel\u2019s words capture something important; love and hate keep us emotionally attached, while indifference does not. Yet, I have never found the line entirely satisfying. Love and hate do seem like opposites, even if they share something that indifference doesn\u2019t. Love can motivate us to protect and seek another person\u2019s good. Hatred can direct that same attention<\/a> in the opposite direction\u2014toward punishment<\/a> or harm.<\/p>\n

A better way to think about the relationship may be to borrow from Aristotle\u2019s golden mean. While the mean is often misunderstood as splitting the difference between extremes, Aristotle does not explain it like a mathematical midpoint. Virtue requires responding to the right thing, for the right reasons, and to the right degree. Vice is when some part of that response is off.<\/p>\n

Like Aristotle\u2019s account of virtue, our feelings toward another person can vary in intensity and in how they are directed. With love and hate, the other person still matters to us, but that concern points in very different directions. With indifference, the motivating force largely disappears. <\/p>\n

How Rejection Turns Affection to Hostility<\/p>\n

When we love someone, we develop expectations. We hope they will care for us, prioritize our needs, and see us in ways that matter to us. Problems arise, however, when those hopes become requirements for how the other person must act for us to feel secure. Disappointment can feel like rejection, and rejection can feel like a threat.<\/p>\n

A 2010 review of experimental and diary research<\/a> found that people high in rejection sensitivity<\/a> are particularly likely to respond to perceived rejection with hostility and reactive aggression<\/a>. A 2023 meta-analysis<\/a> of 60 studies similarly linked greater rejection sensitivity with more relationship conflict, jealousy<\/a>, and intimate-partner violence, as well as less satisfaction and closeness.<\/p>\n

This does not mean rejection automatically turns love into hate, but it can change how we relate to someone, especially if we are rejection sensitive. When we repeatedly interpret our partner\u2019s behavior as failing to meet our expectations or rejecting us, we may care what they do, but now our attention is focused on resentment and hostility rather than affection.<\/p>\n

Emily Bront\u00eb\u2019s Wuthering Heights<\/a> dramatizes this transformation well. When Catherine chooses Edgar rather than Heathcliff, Heathcliff\u2019s fixation does not disappear. It becomes entangled with revenge. His life remains organized around Catherine, but no longer around seeking her good. His love sours when Catherine can no longer occupy the place he imagined for her in his life. <\/p>\n

Do You Hate Them or Who You Became Around Them?<\/p>\n

Sometimes resentment is less about what the other person did and more about what their presence forces us to see in ourselves.<\/p>\n

We may have acted selfishly, become dependent or subservient in ways that we are ashamed of, or compromised values we cared about. The other person can then become associated with things we would rather forget. Hating them becomes easier than facing ourselves.<\/p>\n

Research by June Tangney and colleagues<\/a> has connected shame<\/a>-proneness with anger, hostility, and the externalization of blame. More recent research<\/a> also supports the contention that shame can contribute to aggression through hostility and blaming others. <\/p>\n

The move from self-reflection to blaming others comes when our memories, and how we interpret our own experiences, become conveniently self-serving<\/a>. We remember our own hurt while emphasizing what the other person did wrong. We explain our own failures by pointing to circumstances while treating theirs as evidence of who they are.<\/p>\n

Relationships Essential Reads<\/p>\n

The horror film, Together<\/a>, offers a vivid metaphor for this phenomenon. Tim and Millie become so entwined that they don’t know where one ends and the other begins. Each becomes connected to the other\u2019s disappointments and the person they have become. Their literal fusion is a visual metaphor for the psychological lesson that when we cannot separate who we are from who we are with. We regret who we became, which can lead to resentment towards them.<\/p>\n

Not Letting Love Sour<\/p>\n

Rejection and shame look dissimilar, but they can make us feel differently towards our loved ones; both tempt us to give up responsibility for maintaining our own sense of worth. This does not mean we should love less or stay detached so rejection never hurts. Or that another person can never make us change how we see ourselves. The challenge is learning what we can reasonably ask of others when love makes us vulnerable.<\/p>\n

We can feel rejection without turning hurt into hostility. We can confront shame without making another person the villain of a story we helped write. Maybe love\u2019s hardest demand is to recognize that while someone else can enrich our life, they are not responsible for it. Our life is still our own, and their life still belongs to them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"In an interview with Alvin P. Sanoff for U.S. News & World Report, Elie Wiesel offered a line…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":581169,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[111,43,139,69],"class_list":["post-581168","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-new-zealand","tag-new-zealand","tag-news","tag-newzealand","tag-nz"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/581168","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=581168"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/581168\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/581169"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=581168"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=581168"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=581168"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}