A passenger\u2019s stinging remark towards Craig Anderson and his crying child on a Sydney ferry was the \u201cstraw that broke the camel\u2019s back\u201d.<\/p>\n
The new dad was commuting to work in 2017 with his six-month-old son, Clarke, who was crying on-board a packed peak hour service. <\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve never felt really comfortable in public places with Clarke, I had this thing in my head about how he impacted others in public,\u201d Anderson says.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo I took him outside on the ferry deck, but by the time I went back in, the ferry had gotten really packed, and I just wanted to get the pram. <\/p>\n
\u201cThere was this older couple sitting where the pram was. Clarke was still losing his mind, and so I asked (the passengers) if they could move.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey didn\u2019t want to get up, so I asked again; \u2018Sorry guys, I really need to get to the pram\u2019. <\/p>\n
\u201cI heard her say to him, \u2018Why would he park the pram there?\u2019 and he just said, \u2018Because he\u2019s a dickhead\u2019.\u201d <\/p>\n
What the passenger had no way of knowing was that Anderson and his wife Rebecca were first-time parents; that Rebecca was struggling with postnatal depression, and had returned to work, meaning for two days a week their son travelled into the city with Anderson to be dropped off at daycare; and that Anderson himself was struggling too. <\/p>\n
\u201cLogically and realistically, that\u2019s just two muppets being muppets, but having Clarke screaming on a packed ferry, where I think everyone\u2019s looking at me, I\u2019m already on 9\/10 (for anxiety), and that comment just fed into everything that I was feeling at the time,\u201d he\u00a0says.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I was failing, I had a wife who had postnatal depression and I couldn\u2019t support her, I had a son that I didn\u2019t like being in public with, and that I\u2019m the worst father in the world. <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd at that moment, 99 per cent of what I could think about was stomping on this guy\u2019s head. That was all I could think about.\u201d <\/p>\n
A kind bystander helped retrieve the pram, but for Anderson, the damage was done.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe thought of leaving the house with Clarke was an absolute nightmare to me. I would get physically sick at the thought of it,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI started making all these ridiculous excuses to Bec about why we couldn\u2019t leave the house.\u201d<\/p>\n
Postnatal depression and anxiety affects about one in 10 new and expectant dads. <\/p>\n
Professor Richard Fletcher founded the University of Newcastle\u2019s SMS4Dads support network for new fathers, and said the symptoms of postnatal depression or anxiety could be harder to spot in men for several reasons.<\/p>\n
\u201cOften the symptoms are different for men and women,\u201d Fletcher says.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor both, there\u2019s changes in your appetite, changes in your sleep \u2026 but what we notice is that, in men, it\u2019s irritability, grumpiness, and maybe then saying, \u2018I just gotta go \u2026 for a run, I\u2019ve got to go and play this sport\u2019 or dads who will stay at work because being at home is really stressful with a new baby<\/p>\n
\u201cFor men, they can feel like they personally are failing or can\u2019t manage to enjoy what\u2019s supposed to be a wonderful thing; a new baby is supposed to be a blessing and supposed to be something that would just make you happy, yet here they are stressed out.\u201d <\/p>\n
Fletcher says a lack of consideration in the medical field, and stigma, also make it harder for dads to admit they are struggling.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor mothers we have a national approach, where a midwife will quiz them with 10 questions for their antenatal and postnatal assessment about how they\u2019re going mentally, there\u2019s a system for picking up mothers who are not doing well, but we don\u2019t have a system for fathers,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s something that dads talk about all the time. When they\u2019ve had a baby and they\u2019re out in the community, people don\u2019t say \u2018How are you\u2019, they say \u2018how\u2019s your wife, how\u2019s the baby\u2019. So fathers, both formally and informally, aren\u2019t being asked how they\u2019re going. <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd there\u2019s still a lot of stigma in saying you\u2019re struggling mentally.\u201d<\/p>\n
Luckily for Anderson, wife Rebecca quickly cottoned on when her husband began refusing to leave the house with their young son.<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter a few weeks she put two and two together and said, \u2018What\u2019s going on, you\u2019ve got to level with me, something\u2019s not right\u2019,\u201d Anderson says.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo I told her about the incident on the ferry.\u201d <\/p>\n
Rebecca had been receiving mental health support from Gidget Foundation Australia, which supports new and expectant parents\u2019 wellbeing through free services such as support groups and counselling, and encouraged Anderson to make an appointment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI almost cancelled it about 100 times, like \u2018what am I doing going to a postnatal depression specialist, I\u2019m a man, this is ridiculous\u2019,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI ended up going \u2018OK, well, worst case scenario I can just ask questions about how I can help Bec\u2019. But I walked in and within five minutes, the psychologist said, \u2018This is postnatal anxiety disorder\u2019. <\/p>\n
\u201cI was flabbergasted, but what I felt was relief more than anything. I\u2019m not just a shit father, I\u2019m not failing. I\u2019ve got a treatable condition that I can work on.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rebecca says the diagnosis was a turning point for their family. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe just stopped trying to hide the fact that we were struggling, and we just accepted help,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that was 70 per cent of what got us through that time was, you know, being honest about what we were going through.\u201d<\/p>\n
The couple faced even greater hurdles come 2021 when Rebecca fell pregnant again \u2013 with twins Georgia and Eloise. She struggled with preterm labour complications and her mental health, before the girls, who were born premature, spent eight weeks in neonatal intensive care.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t explain the stress to people, the girls needed this special, script-only formula, it was desperate, we couldn\u2019t find it anywhere,\u201d Anderson says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI put on my shoes and went for a walk up to the headland, sat down on this rock, and then suddenly just had this overwhelming urge to jump off. <\/p>\n
\u201cEverything just hit me \u2026 I just couldn\u2019t see a\u00a0way through.\u201d <\/p>\n
Anderson made it home and immediately rang to book an appointment with a Gidget Foundation psychologist.<\/p>\n
Five years on, the Andersons are making it work by prioritising the habits that help them both stay mentally strong, thanks to the Gidget Foundation, which is marking 25 years of supporting families adjusting to parenthood.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe girls got a bit older, things got a bit easier. If we\u2019re not really strong on our disciplines of what\u2019s worked for us, like time to ourselves, being active, it\u2019s really easy to slip back into that state of mind,\u201d Anderson says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI get emotional about it, the Gidget Foundation, we would not be here, one of us or both of us, without them.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Gidget Foundation\u2019s Mathew Aquilina says more support is needed for new dads in the healthcare space.<\/p>\n
\u201cDads are still often overlooked in screening, in research, in policy and service delivery \u2026 we ideally need routine mental health screening and referral pathways that include fathers, not just mothers,\u201d Aquilina says.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd (dads) don\u2019t have to struggle alone, it can be a really challenging time in a perinatal period and it\u2019s really important to reach out to someone if you\u2019re not feeling like yourself in that time. <\/p>\n
\u201cThe only way you can provide for your family and be there for your family is to also kind of ensure that you\u2019re doing OK as well.\u201d<\/p>\n