{"id":619712,"date":"2026-10-03T20:18:19","date_gmt":"2026-10-03T20:18:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/619712\/"},"modified":"2026-10-03T20:18:19","modified_gmt":"2026-10-03T20:18:19","slug":"perimenopause-and-sex-from-hot-flashes-to-hot-vibes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/619712\/","title":{"rendered":"Perimenopause and Sex: From Hot Flashes to Hot Vibes"},"content":{"rendered":"

When you look ahead to sex in midlife, you might think of it as winding down. But what if you\u2019ll actually be reaching a sexual peak? What if we care less about how our bodies look and more about how they can give us sexual pleasure? We\u2019re examining all of this in our series THE MIDLIFE PLEASURE RENAISSANCE, brought to you by\u00a0Peaches and Cream,<\/a>\u00a0New Zealand\u2019s place for pleasure! In this edition we\u2019re chatting perimenopause and the fact that it can be a real cow when it comes to your sexual pleasure. But here\u2019s how to combat that, and how your partner can help!<\/p>\n

Melanie, a financial analyst from Wellington, used to have sex with her husband maybe once a week. She\u2019s never had a huge sex drive. \u201cI enjoy sex, and only ever orgasm through clitoral stimulation which my husband is more than happy to provide.\u201d Melanie experiences responsive desire rather than the spontaneous desire her husband has. With responsive desire, you need the right context and connection to get things going.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Then at age 44 Melanie hit what she now knows is perimenopause. Her libido didn\u2019t just drop \u2013 it went off the radar. \u201cI actually saw sex as a chore. You just don\u2019t want to have sex when you\u2019re having hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings and poor sleep. Also I experienced vaginal dryness and a stinging feeling during sex. Plus gaining five kilos made me feel yuck. I started breaking down crying in the bathroom at work.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her GP wasn\u2019t much help, just trying to prescribe anti-depressants. When Melanie went to see a functional medicine doctor, she went straight on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and got a personalised treatment plan with other steps to take.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cMy husband had thought maybe I no longer found him attractive so was very happy I talked about all this openly and he wanted to do anything he could to help. Which is because 1) he loves me and 2) he wants to get it on still! I said \u2018hey this problem with libido is actually really common for perimenopausal women, it\u2019s not a reflection of how I feel about you. Could you sit down and read this information so you understand better?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

They tried various lubricants and she found her favourite. \u201cI suggested we try various sex toys \u2013 something I was worried to bring up in case he felt inadequate. But he was totally up for it!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

And yes she\u2019s now having pleasurable sex. \u201cIt\u2019s just as good as it ever was. In fact, getting some sex <\/a>t<\/a>oys involved<\/a> has actually made it better. Let\u2019s just say we\u2019ve \u2018overcome\u2019 the problem.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Clap emoji (and check out our previous story about reigniting intimacy here!<\/a>). <\/p>\n

What we\u2019re dealing with
We\u2019ll get to the ways you can recover your libido during perimenopause. But first, let\u2019s note that the average length of perimenopause is about four years, but can last up to eight years<\/a> or as little as a few months (if so lucky you!). The age you enter perimenopause can really fluctuate but it usually starts about 45. Menopause begins when you\u2019ve had no periods for a year.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s look at the physical problems perimenopause can pose, particularly as levels of two key hormones oestrogen and progesterone start to fluctuate and reduce (plus testosterone levels decline gradually after age 30 and continue to drop through perimenopause).\u00a0<\/p>\n

GSM, Genitourinary Syndrome Of Menopause, affects 50-70% of midlife women. As an online article<\/a> for John Hopkins Medicine states, \u201cGSM is a common condition caused by low estrogen, affecting vaginal and urinary tissues. Symptoms include vaginal dryness, painful sex, urinary urgency and recurrent UTIs. Effective treatments exist, including non hormonal options and ultra low dose local estrogen\u201d.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Geez, it\u2019s no wonder women go off sex. Can you imagine if perimenopause happened to men?<\/p>\n

\"Mad<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not surprising (and definitely annoying) that low libido in perimenopause is one of the most under-discussed transitions of midlife, despite affecting roughly 40% of women in the 40-55 age window according to longitudinal data<\/a> from the U.S.-based Study of Women\u2019s Health Across the Nation.<\/p>\n

Oh and BTW, most women climax from clitoral stimulation. As women age, the small nerve endings that respond to light touch decline, but the larger nerve fibres that respond to vibration remain highly functional (drmaryclairehaver.substack.com\/p\/the-truth-about-menopause-and-orgasms). Vibrator time!<\/p>\n

What can help?
Jo Robertson<\/a>, an Auckland-based sex and relationship therapist with a Master of Science in Medicine, says it\u2019s very common for women to have low libido during perimenopause. \u201cIt might be down to skin irritation, vaginal dryness, lack of arousal, or lack of enjoyment.\u201d Other aspects of perimenopause may have an indirect impact, such as poor sleep meaning less energy for sex.\u00a0<\/p>\n

As well as vaginal dryness, there can be burning or stinging during sex, or bleeding. \u201cThat\u2019s because the skin is getting thinner, and the muscles are getting weaker. You might be getting micro-tears or irritation, or there\u2019s transfer of bacteria from the vagina to the urethra more easily, causing UTIs. So the whole zone is less resilient.\u201d<\/p>\n

Who does she suggest women talk to? \u201cPelvic-floor physios can often help with a whole bunch of strategies. It\u2019s great to get a little warrant of fitness on your pelvic floor, check how it\u2019s functioning, what the muscles are like, what the state of the skin is. Then get some advice around your needs. So if, for example, you\u2019re getting some beginnings of prolapse, or your cervix is hanging a bit lower, there are different kinds of products you can use on a penis to make sure it doesn\u2019t go as far up.\u201d Yes let\u2019s make men do some of the hard yards!\u00a0<\/p>\n

And look into vaginal estrogen, a hormone replacement therapy (HRT) medicine that contains the hormone oestrogen. \u201cTopical estrogen is what people use either in pessary or cream form.\u201d A pessary is a small tablet you insert into the vagina using an applicator. \u201cYou typically apply topical estrogen twice a week then it builds up the resilience of the skin, then you\u2019re more likely to self-lubricate as well.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Talking to your partner
Jo talks to couples about their intimacy \u201cif it\u2019s not going to plan. It might be they\u2019re not enjoying it, or that they have different desires.\u201d
\u201cWe have these different way of understanding sexual responses. One is spontaneous, where people just feel like having sex. Then there\u2019s responsive, so it\u2019s only once they start kissing or massaging that they, \u2018oh, this is nice\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

Perimenopause also means it typically takes longer before orgasm. \u201cYou struggle to get aroused in the same way, and you struggle to reach that peak.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Do women have to drag their partners along to see her? \u201cI find that partners, even if they\u2019ve never seen a therapist in their life, are really responsive to their partner saying, \u2018hey, this is important to me. You\u2019re important to me. I know this isn\u2019t going well so I\u2019d like some help with it.\u2019 It\u2019s not like you\u2019re saying \u2018I don\u2019t want you\u2019. Often men I see are uncomfortable as they\u2019ve never talked about sex before, but they\u2019re usually really stoked to know that their female partner still wants them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe way you phrase it to your partner is really important because you\u2019re pursuing them. It\u2019s actually an act of romance.\u201d<\/p>\n

Body and brain
Also, some perimenopausal women who gain weight (it\u2019s often around five kilograms) feel less confident about their body. \u201cYou\u2019re more likely to want to turn the lights out or get things done quicker. But if you\u2019re rushing, not mentally present, not prioritising pleasure, that decreases your desire for those things in the future. Also why would you want something that\u2019s average? You might rather watch TV. So you have to invest into it [sex], in order to have a better experience, in order to want more.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe majority of people continue rather than stop sex during perimenopause. But there are different priorities and frequency. The focus is more on quality than quantity.\u201d<\/p>\n

Is \u2018penis and vagina\u2019 old-school? \u201cI think it\u2019s just one thing you can participate in. I tell clients that when you go to a playground as a kid, you don\u2019t always do the same thing every time. There\u2019s a sense of exploration and play. But typically old-school playgrounds had wooden surrounds, and you can see them as boundaries, as safety, as security that you can try different things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe penetrative sex doesn\u2019t become the most important thing. Maybe you use your imagination more or get more creative. Maybe you try lubricants and find one you really like. Maybe you decide to introduce a vibrator or sex toy.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat I sometimes explain to men who are feeling a little insecure when a sex toy gets proposed is that this is an aid in the same way that, if you hurt your knee, you\u2019d strap that up. It\u2019s a support, not a replacement.\u201d<\/p>\n

Novelty is important
A friend told me: \u2018I love my partner, but my sex drive\u2019s gone, it\u2019s another job on my to-do list. I\u2019m scared this is just how it is now\u2019.\u00a0
Jo suggests she talks to a sex therapist. \u201cOr take a slightly more creative approach. Lots of those people tend to do quite well with scheduled sex, because often a partner suggests sex when we\u2019re tired, and not ready. If we know [scheduled] sex is happening, we tend to be in a better headspace.<\/p>\n

\u201cI also recommend they rotate introducing something new or interesting, and attached to fun each time. Maybe make a new cocktail for each other or eat your favourite food or watch your favourite TV show. Get creative with what you do. You might start in the shower, have a bath together, or do a different type of massage. Or try a new position. Novelty sparks our body. And take the pressure off it being phenomenal. It doesn\u2019t have to be theatrical, loud, crazy orgasms. It\u2019s really about connection. It\u2019s not necessarily about where you end, it\u2019s about having a fun, nice time with your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n

And yes, for some women, libido has actually increased in perimenopause. \u201cOnce I did a talk and this woman asked a question, I answered, then she said, \u2018I could basically orgasm right now, I could just take it there in my mind\u2019. It was so cool that she was this model of somebody who says \u2018things are still really positive and I\u2019m really enjoying myself\u2019.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Ready to embrace your own midlife pleasure renaissance? Whether you\u2019re rediscovering intimacy with a partner or simply getting to know your own body better, these Peaches & Cream favourites are designed to help you explore pleasure with confidence at whatever stage of life you\u2019re in.<\/p>\n

Lelo Mona Spectra LED Intimate Wellness Massager and G-Spot Vibrator, $314.99<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Discover a new level of intimate wellness with this massager, combining sensual G-spot stimulation with red LED light technology designed to support tissue vitality and comfort from within. The light works by delivering specific wavelengths deep into the tissue, encouraging the body\u2019s own natural renewal processes while enhancing sensation during use.<\/p>\n

Astroglide Water-Based Liquid Personal Lubricant 74ml, $29.99<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Let things glide with our unique, top-selling formula that provides silky smooth lubrication for sheer sensation and satisfaction. Relish in the pure bliss of exhilarating sex with long-lasting, condom-compatible lube that washes off clean with water. Astroglide Liquid not only lubricates to keep things going, but also moisturises to keep things flowing.<\/p>\n

Loveline Budsie Compact Clitoral Air Pulse Vibe Pink $52.49<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Budsie may look like a cute little earbud, but it\u2019s packed with powerful pleasure. This compact vibrator combines 10 stimulating functions with AirTap\u00ae Technology to deliver tapping and sucking sensations through its removable head. Whether you\u2019re on the move or staying in, Budsie is your discreet, travel-ready companion.<\/p>\n

Powered by an advanced F1 motor, Budsie offers a quiet yet deeply satisfying experience. It\u2019s rechargeable, waterproof, and designed to fit perfectly into the palm of your hand\u2014or your pocket.
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