The pregnancy, while a surprise, was a delight for the 35-year-old and her partner.<\/p>\n
Kimberley Crossman with her husband Tom Walsh in 2024. Photo \/ @kimcrossman<\/p>\n
\u201cI felt a sense of peace, an instant connection to the baby, which was only the size of a blueberry at this point, and the opening of my heart in a way I hadn\u2019t experienced,\u201d she wrote.<\/p>\n
Crossman bought a baby journal for \u201cBlueberry\u201d and began writing her thoughts and hopes through the journey to share with her partner and family.<\/p>\n
But \u201cthings started to change\u201d when she went in around the eight-week mark for a scan.<\/p>\n
The baby was growing and their heart was beating, but neither were aligned with what is considered a healthy pregnancy.<\/p>\n
Crossman underwent tests and scans over the following weeks, yet the trends were the same. Eventually, she flew home to New Zealand with her mother around the 12-week mark.<\/p>\n
Kim Crossman, speaking on her miscarriage, said she felt an emptiness \u201cunlike anything I had experienced\u201d. Photo \/ @kimcrossman<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen mum and I landed, we drove straight to a scan and I will never forget the moment when the radiologist went looking for a heartbeat that she was unable to find,\u201d Crossman wrote.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe heartbeat I had been clinging to with such hope for what felt like an eternity. <\/p>\n
\u201cThe finality of this feeling and the feeling of not having Blueberry anymore after a DNC [dilation and curettage procedure], I would consider two of the loneliest and saddest moments of my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
Crossman said she felt an emptiness \u201cunlike anything I had experienced\u201d, mourning not only her baby but the dreams and future she\u2019d hoped and imagined they would have.<\/p>\n
Furthermore, she carried a feeling of blame for the loss.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was upset at how upset I was, how I couldn\u2019t \u2018logic\u2019 my way through the feelings,\u201d she wrote.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow I felt like this was it \u2013 that was my baby and I didn\u2019t want another one. I wanted that one, the one I had connected with, the one that felt so perfect and so aligned and so resilient.”<\/p>\n
Crossman said she tried to move on while the world around her seemed to do so, but \u201cI was not okay\u201d.<\/p>\n
The former Shortland Street star tried varying methods of therapy – including Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) therapy, hypnotherapy and speaking to a medium – to reconcile her grief.<\/p>\n
She also got a small blueberry tattoo on her hip, which was \u201ca way for me to reframe that she\u2019s my little partner in crime; I am stronger with her and because of her\u201d.<\/p>\n
Crossman is now pregnant again, revealing the news on Instagram in April<\/a>.<\/p>\n At the time, she wrote it felt important to share because of the support she\u2019d received online \u201cthrough our marriage, our love story, our miscarriage, and our fertility journey so far\u201d.<\/p>\n