Early dating, especially on the apps, is often about seeing what you want to see. Few of us are immune from this kind of wishful thinking. My patient, for instance, seems undeterred by less-than-promising behaviour in the early stages. And I\u2019ve seen even my most unsentimental patients giving chance after chance to people who respond to them tersely,\u202fbelatedly or even not at all. Few heed Maya Angelou\u2019s warning, \u201cWhen someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n
This kind of self-deception has a name: projection. A defence mechanism where what we perceive in others is actually what we are denying or uncomfortable with in ourselves. It is usually unconscious.<\/p>\n
I encourage my patients to hold on to their hope but also to let go when hope becomes self-delusion. The sooner we realise a relationship is wrong, the sooner we can find one that\u2019s right.<\/p>\n
After hundreds of therapy sessions about online dating, I\u2019ve been able to zero in on four reliable signs that it may be time to pull the plug, or at least pay close attention.<\/p>\n
Love bombing<\/p>\n
Love bombing is over-the-top affection early on \u2013 think constant texting, excessive compliments (especially if they feel boiler plate), premature talk of what\u2019s to come, like moving in together or marriage (also called \u201cfuture faking\u201d) and extremely generous gift giving.<\/p>\n
It might feel intoxicating in the moment, but the intimacy it creates is like candyfloss \u2013 full of sweetness and gone in an instant. When someone idealises you, it\u2019s not a question of if they will then devalue you in equal proportion \u2013 it\u2019s when.<\/p>\n
Love bombing is often used by manipulative or narcissistic people to secure admiration and control. They use it as a strategy to create dependency and make it harder for you to leave later when problematic behaviours emerge.<\/p>\n
Some key phrases to be wary of are: \u201cI\u2019ve never felt this way about anyone before\u201d (said very early); \u201cI\u2019ve been waiting my whole life for you\u201d; and \u201cEverything about you is perfect.\u201d<\/p>\n
Also look out for isolation disguised as devotion: \u201cI just want it to be the two of us\u201d or \u201cYour friends don\u2019t understand what we have\u201d.<\/p>\n
The key red flag is if a statement comes with pressure, it\u2019s designed to overwhelm you more than genuinely connect with you.<\/p>\n
Breadcrumbing<\/p>\n
Breadcrumbing is the opposite of love bombing. The person gives you just enough encouragement \u2013 sporadic texts, plans to meet up that they cancel at the last minute and other mixed signals \u2013 to keep you wanting more.<\/p>\n
People who breadcrumb might have commitment issues or are keeping their options open. They also may like the ego boost of knowing someone is interested in them without having to reciprocate. In any case, breadcrumbing reveals a potentially controlling nature, prevents authentic connection and doesn\u2019t allow you to assess true compatibility.<\/p>\n
Lack of curiosity<\/p>\n
Learning about each other requires curiosity on both sides.<\/p>\n
Here are some questions that can help you evaluate if the person you are dating is into you: do they ask follow-up questions about personal things you\u2019ve shared? Do they remember details about your stories? Do they listen when you bring up your thoughts and feelings or change the subject? Do they talk with you rather than at you? Do the conversations seem two-sided or seem to circle back to them? Do they take the time to understand before giving advice?<\/p>\n
Lack of curiosity often means that the person is just looking to fill a hole, rather than build a real connection. If they don\u2019t care about your story now, they probably never will.<\/p>\n
Negativity in profiles<\/p>\n
Profiles filled with complaints, demands or bitter commentary about past relationships reveal an unstable emotional mindset. And if in their profile they harp on what they don\u2019t want, instead of what they do, pay attention. Look for phrases such as \u201cNo drama,\u201d \u201cTired of games,\u201d and \u201cIf you\u2019re like my ex, swipe left.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you see a list of dealbreakers, break the deal. Negativity like this often means there is unresolved baggage. Remember, people who are ready for a healthy relationship usually focus on what they are looking for, not what they\u2019re avoiding.<\/p>\n
All four of these behaviours are impediments to true intimacy. But spotting them in therapy is often a lot easier than seeing them in real life. Red flags are rarely flown at full mast \u2013 they are often subtle and disguised, or lost in a fog of our own wishful thinking. Not recognising them clearly leads to confusion in how to respond.<\/p>\n
Dating tips<\/p>\n
Here are some tips on how to date with your eyes wide open.<\/p>\n
Know that you are not in control of someone else\u2019s behaviour<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t try to fix a person. It\u2019s not your job to change someone\u2019s behaviour when you see red flags; it\u2019s to simply bring them into your awareness. If you value honesty and they are evasive, for example, that\u2019s information, not a summons to pin them down and make them tell the truth.<\/p>\n
Look for patterns, not isolated moments<\/p>\n
Try not to get carried away by grand gestures or perfect first dates, and resist the urge to fast-forward the future. Try to see past the frothy surface to the deeper character underneath.<\/p>\n
How do your prospective mates treat service workers? How do they handle frustrations, stress, unexpected changes, or boundaries? Do their actions match their words? Do they communicate respectfully and take responsibility when conflict arises, even in minor ways?<\/p>\n
Listen to your gut on these issues of character: if something feels off, it probably is.<\/p>\n
Listen to what they tell you about themselves and others<\/p>\n
When someone says, \u201cI\u2019m not good at trust,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not good at relationships,\u201d believe them. Don\u2019t assume you\u2019ll be the exception, even (or especially) when they say, \u201cit\u2019s different with you\u201d.<\/p>\n
Similarly, listen to how they talk about exes, friends and family. Someone who consistently paints others as \u201ccrazy\u201d or problematic is showing you how they may come to frame you.<\/p>\n
Have compassion for yourself<\/p>\n
Kindness towards yourself is essential. And remember that when you experience rejection, it\u2019s often as much about other people\u2019s insecurity and cycle of maladaptive patterns as it is about you.<\/p>\n
Be conscious of your values<\/p>\n
Dating requires self-reflection. Be aware of your values and what you are looking for.<\/p>\n
Consider working with a therapist or a dating coach<\/p>\n
A therapist or coach can help you explore more effective approaches that take into account your own attachment and relationship history. An outside person can also help you build self-esteem and self-worth, vital ingredients in any healthy relationship.<\/p>\n
Online dating can be discouraging. But there are many gems to be found. The key is to recognise patterns in others and yourself. Believe in love, but before that, believe in yourself.<\/p>\n
Sarah Gundle, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist practising in New York. She is an assistant professor in psychiatry at the Icahn School of Medicine, Mount Sinai Medical Center.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Early dating, especially on the apps, is often about seeing what you want to see. Few of us…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":85020,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[16891,95,20133,1558,64783,651,1862,156,15213,2082,3011,21080,5840,111,139,69,193,3111,64784,2961,15406,19055,3271,5652,1361,38068,1529,2044,16670,197,12598],"class_list":["post-85019","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-able","tag-and","tag-attention","tag-been","tag-breadcrumbing","tag-close","tag-dating","tag-entertainment","tag-flags","tag-for","tag-four","tag-ive","tag-least","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-other","tag-out","tag-plug","tag-pull","tag-red","tag-reliable","tag-should","tag-signs","tag-that","tag-therapist","tag-three","tag-time","tag-watch","tag-you","tag-zero"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/85019","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=85019"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/85019\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/85020"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=85019"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=85019"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=85019"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}