Eleven years ago, I wrote about the unlikeliest pair: Robin Williams, world-famous comic and actor, and my dad, Joel Premack – suburban lawn-mower-pusher, violinist, boat-shoe-wearer, and lover of Granny Smith apples. That year, Williams had died by suicide, capturing the attention of all who admired him as it seemed impossible that this larger-than-life figure could have taken his own life. Twenty-six years earlier, my dad died, also by suicide.

Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my children asked me, “Mommy, who is Robin Williams?” I couldn’t believe it, but then I realized that so much time had passed since his death that it was possible she had no idea who he was: the voice of the genie in Aladdin. Mrs. Doubtfire. The therapist in Good Will Hunting. I could go on and on. And he was a dad. When Williams died, I found myself grieving, angry, sad for his children, and furious at a mental health system that can’t seem to help even the most privileged.

Which brings me to Pedro Pascal, who is, in fact, no one’s dad, but everyone’s zaddy. Because I’m a contrarian to my core, I’ve generally ignored stories about Pascal, who seemingly everyone else is paying attention to, all the time. I can’t tell you much about him, except what I now know: Pascal’s mother died by suicide. So, I’m starting to pay attention.

Pascal speaks openly about his mother’s death and its impact on his life, in interviews with publications like Vanity Fair and appearances on programs like NPR’s “Fresh Air.” The night he first hosted Saturday Night Live was the anniversary of his mother’s death. On “Fresh Air,” he said: “It was obviously a sad anniversary for most of my adult life and for my family’s life. I don’t think I realized [the SNL date] until there was kind of, like, a post-it note announcement, in the way that SNL does, where they have the date, the host and the musical guest. And I realized that…I hadn’t seen those numbers together outside of my mother’s gravestone.” In Vanity Fair, he said of that night: “I just felt like my mother was there. And – and I don’t know what else to say. It was a complete transformation of an anniversary.”

Growing around grief

This summer, I had the opportunity to take an intensive training on grief run by the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing. In the training, we learned that we grow around grief, not away from it or out of it. Lois Tonkin, a bereavement counselor, created a model for how we grow around grief, illustrated below:

Pascal has demonstrated growth around grief. His mother and her death are always with him, perhaps even more so at his larger-than-life moments. As the years have passed, his grief is the same size, but he has grown.

Every year since 2009, I’ve written a post about my dad around the anniversary of his death. This is that post for this year. Sometimes the words come more easily, but this year, it’s been very hard. There were so many moments that I thought about him, but I didn’t have the right time, the right focus, to be able to sit down and write. My life is really big right now. My grief is also really big. But I’ve grown around it, so that it doesn’t sit at the center anymore, but sort of off to the side, around me but not all over me.

I’m so grateful for celebrities who talk openly about their losses, particularly those who are open about death by suicide. Although we are in a much better place in terms of mental-health stigma and suicide stigma in particular, there is something so important about someone like Pascal, who could leave his mother’s cause of death out of his story but instead chooses to make it just another part of the story, so that her death is not overly dramatic or scary, but, as is the case for anyone who loses a beloved parent, important and transformative.

So, zaddy, you’ve got me. I’m paying attention now.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Copyright 2025, Elana Premack Sandler, All Rights Reserved.