A lot has been written about the mental health effects on those who are victims of hate. (For example, see the APA publication: “Hate crimes are on the rise in the U.S. What are the psychological effects?”) There’s also a lot of published material on why some people hate. But you’ll find precious little on the mental health effects of hate on those who hate.
In my clinical experience, people who hate typically suffer continual agitation and distress, not to mention low grade anxiety and depression. The adrenaline stimulated by hate can mask these conditions at least temporarily.
Hate has a way of generalizing. It grows quickly from hating one person to hating others who remind you of that person and eventually to groups of people who remind you of that person. Expressing hate in public, including on social media, amplifies and magnifies it.
Haters feel like victims, and that blinds them to the poisonous effects they have on others. What’s more, the paranoid features of hate make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s hard to react positively to someone who expresses hate.
No matter where it starts, hate eventually makes its way into our homes. If you hate a politician, you won’t be so patient, kind, compassionate, or loving to your loved ones as you might otherwise have been. You’re more likely to drive them away than to reopen your heart.
High Self-righteousness, Low Self-value
People who hate appear to be confident. Their confidence can come off as self-righteousness, which requires complete suppression of doubt. A primary psychological function of hate is to reduce the self-doubt that triggers it.
It’s easy to conflate self-value with self-esteem. The latter is how we feel about ourselves. Self-value is more behavioral, rising from the way we treat ourselves. People with high self-value appreciate their better qualities, try to improve their lesser ones, and take care of their physical and psychological health, growth, and well-being.
Signs that self-value is high include interest in growth, supporting and nurturing family, honoring humane values, and contributing in a small way to a better world.
Signs that self-value is too low include entitlement (as compensation), resentment, anger, anxiety, obsessions, depression, rage, inability to value others or see their perspectives, and, of course, hate. All my clients who began treatment for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse discovered their hidden self-loathing. It’s not possible to like ourselves while experiencing hate.
It’s a Health Issue
My clients who began treatment afflicted with hate had additional health issues, ranging from hypertension to respiratory and digestive problems. Most had refused medical treatment for these conditions, a possible sign of self-loathing.
Escaping the Prison of Hate
If you suffer from hate, ask yourself these crucial questions:
“What might I also be afraid of?”
“What might I also feel guilty about?”
“What might I also feel ashamed of?”
Case Example
James came into treatment for chronic resentment, which would occasionally lead to angry outbursts and mild emotional abuse of his wife and three kids. He did not think he needed help with resolving hate, although he admitted to hating his brother-in-law for cheating him out of money.
His answer to question 1:
“I guess I’m afraid of going broke. I know that’s not rational; it wasn’t that much money he took from me.”
His answer to question 2:
“I feel some guilt because I’m depriving my wife of her brother’s company, and my kids love the guy.”
His answer to question 3:
“When it comes right down to it, I’m ashamed of hating. I don’t want to be that kind of person, even if he deserves it. I’m ashamed of hurting my wife and scaring my kids.”
Once James discovered the fear, guilt, and shame underlying his hate, he could begin to heal it. He learned self-compassion, which is sympathy for hurt, vulnerability, or hardship, with a motivation to heal, correct, and improve. We painstakingly applied the three crucial questions to each of his resentments about his wife, kids, and co-workers. By the end of treatment, he was able to negotiate a repayment schedule with his brother-in-law.