Somebody make it stop! Somebody shut them up! Just make it all end … Oh, sorry, it’s over? I couldn’t tell, because I was too busy banging my head repeatedly against the seat rest to notice. Wow. Just, wow. This is a trial. “Would you like to go on a big, bold, beautiful journey?” asks the magical sat-nav voiced by Jodie Turner-Smith early on in this abomination. “Well,” she doesn’t answer. “If you do, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong movie!”

This is, instead, star-laden soul torture that somehow wastes the combined efforts of Margot Robbie, Colin Farrell, Kevin Kline and Phoebe Waller-Bridge. I know! You could almost plonk that charismatic foursome in a room together and shoot them sipping coffee, clipping their toenails or just breathing and it would still have some cinematic value.

But here Hollywood has found a way to neutralise the talent with a script so leaden (courtesy of The Menu writer Seth Reiss) and direction so saccharine (from After Yang film-maker Kogonada) that you may never want to see another Robbie or Farrell turn again.

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The story concerns, heeeruugggh (sorry, dry retching), magical doors that allow naval-gazing dullards and potential paramours David (Farrell) and Sarah (Robbie) to step into unremarkable episodes from their tedious past lives and there learn the wildly uninteresting childhood reasons for why, in adult life, they can’t stop saying incessant turgid piffle such as, “The most beautiful places make you feel the most alone.” And, “I want to believe that it’s possible to share a life.” And, “I wake up in the morning and I’m about as empty as I’ve ever been.” Oh, shut up, moany berks! Go for a walk! Do some volunteering!

It doesn’t help that Farrell and Robbie have zero chemistry. Like freezing. Just above absolute zero. In their “big scene”, when David stares at Sarah and says, “I see you Sarah. I see you!” it’s like watching a serial killer threatening his next victim. Run Sarah! Run! I wish I had.
★☆☆☆☆
15, 109min
In cinemas from Sep 19

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