Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I love kids, and we had always planned to have our own. But now we’re in our early 30s and have realized kids are probably not in the cards financially—unless we can get some child care help from my in-laws.

My husband and I have the regular problems everyone has: crushing student loans and inability to afford more than a one-bedroom apartment. I also have a chronic illness that requires expensive drugs and yanks me out of the workforce for chunks of time, and my husband is in a career field that’s getting decimated by AI. We’re trying to work around this. He’s working on a career switch, and I’ve picked up a side gig to try to cover more medication costs during my good months. Together, we make too much to qualify for any type of social programs, but somehow we’re still really financially stressed.

We’re both grieving that we can’t afford a baby. People say that “it will work out,” but I grew up in a household where my parents “let God choose,” and I don’t want to put my kids through the competition for resources my siblings and I had as kids. My husband’s parents can’t really help us financially, either. They’re clinging to the middle class by their fingernails. They’ve worked hard in life and dream of retiring and finally relaxing.

My in-laws have been frequently hinting about grandkids. We don’t know how to tell them it’s not happening unless they want to be heavily involved in childcare. I don’t want it to feel like an ultimatum, but that’s literally the only way we could potentially bring up a baby at this point. I don’t want to pressure them because I want it so much, but they’ve never expressed a desire to do that stuff. How do we talk to them? And how do I handle my grief if/when they say no?

—Probably Not a Mom

Dear Probably Not a Mom,

It’s heartbreaking to feel like you need to reconsider a big life dream because of the financial cost. Be honest with your in-laws about where you and your husband are at with this. You can do this without putting pressure on them.

Try something like, “We want to have a kid, but we’re realizing that the only way we could make it work financially is if we have serious help. Childcare is crazy expensive, and probably not something we could afford without some kind of help.”

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The key is to give them time to think about it. So you could let them know that you’re not asking them to respond right away, but give them time to think and then maybe ask if you can sit down and have a larger conversation about it once they’ve had time to process it all.

Your question about how to deal with grief is harder to answer. Grief is so personal, and everyone navigates it differently. What I can say is that you’re totally allowed to mourn—to feel heartbroken, angry, or confused about this situation. And at the same time, a life without children is no less valuable, worthwhile, or beautiful. It might look different than you imagined, but I am certain it would still be full of joy.

Also, you and your husband are clearly resilient. You’ve been dealing with a highly uncertain situation, and uncertainty causes a great deal of anxiety, stress, and grief on its own. Whatever you can do to move toward clarity—like being honest with your in-laws—will likely go a long way toward your well-being. It will be OK, even if it takes time to feel that way.

—Kristin

More Money Advice From Slate

My husband and I have been together for 23 years. We met at a startup and he found a clever way to start the business he still runs today. Not long after, I joined the company where we worked together for almost 15 years. The problem is, outside a handful of good years, the business is a zombie. It produces a very modest income and despite general plans for a future payout, there is no measurable progress. I am fed up and exhausted from being the breadwinner.

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