The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
A job. One of the most harrowing possibilities for any innocent Generation Z student. They exist solely to sap your youthful energy and rip away your zest for life. Alas, life isn’t fair (unless you’re born rich). So today, we’re going to cover some of the most attractive job opportunities for D.C. students. Buckle up! Or don’t — I’m not your dad.
Washington Wizard: With the team strapped for talent after finishing at the bottom of the Eastern Conference, D.C.’s very own NBA team has turned to Handshake to fill their final roster spots! This job is perfect for people who thrive in a team setting — a REAL team setting, not the patchwork crew that your office pretends has a connection. Introverts are encouraged to apply, with the organization stressing that the few dozen fans in attendance during games rarely cause disruptions.
Thinker: All of those think tanks aren’t gonna fill themselves! To find the place perfectly tailored to your needs, close your eyes and throw a dart at your computer. If it’s not broken, then congratulations! You’re now the newest member of an entity probably called the American Institute for Advancement in Freedom and Ingenuity. Get that thinking cap on!
National Guard recruit: Why waste your time fighting in some far-off war when you could enforce the government’s wishes right here in little old D.C.? With the newly announced remote work option, trainees will be able to accost metro riders from the comfort of their own homes, thanks to iPads, Zoom and some classic American inventiveness. Benefits include getting to hold a massive gun for no discernible reason (although I’m sure it feels awesome).
Mob member: For those of you not inclined to serve our nation, why not broaden your horizons and join up with one of the world’s many mobs? Our experts say that it’s “basically the same thing as studying abroad.” You’ll be expected to learn a new language, work under (extreme) pressure and be able to keep a secret. The best part is, employment lasts a lifetime — talk about job security!
Vice president: This one’s an exclusive with only one spot open! After clever internet sleuths solved an online alternate reality game set up by bored Food and Drug Administration workers, this listing was revealed. Tucked away in the labyrinthine annals of the White House website, there exists a page to submit your resume to be the (near) future Vice President of the United States of America. Desired traits include agreeability, not being from Ohio and having a slender, adult-looking face.
If none of these options sound like the right fit for you, then maybe employment isn’t right for you. There’s nothing wrong with that! We’re all just marching to our eventual doom anyway. The Earth could implode tomorrow, and all of our investment in the future would be worthless. It probably won’t, but it’s gone unexploded for so long. It feels due.
Domenic DiPietro is a sophomore at American University and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron, and Andrew Kummeth.