Former Bath and England prop, and now rugby pundit extraordinaire, David Flatman, has listed his all-time British and Irish Lions Bald XV.
In conjunction with BLD BRO, a skincare product for bald men, Flatman has named a tough team consisting primarily of players from his own era, with the one “nod to the modern game”.
The all-important front rowers
Loosehead prop: Gareth Chilcott
Flatman: “I’m a Bath man; he’s THE Bath man. I wore a number one jersey for 10 years or so at Bath, but it wasn’t my jersey, it was his.”
Hooker: Keith Wood
Flatman: “Easy, greatest of all time.”
Tighthead prop: John Hayes
Flatman: “I couldn’t think of many bald ones, so I went for John ‘The Bull’ Hayes; he played for Ireland about 700 times.”
Locks and loose forwards
Second-row: Paul O’Connell and Ben Kay
Flatman: “Ben Kay, the World Cup winner, walks in. The captain of that team is Paul O’Connell, obviously. Martin Johnson would walk in, but is he bald? He’s not as bald as the other two. And also, because he’s seven feet four, you can’t actually see if he’s bald unless you’re upstairs and he’s downstairs.”
Blindside flanker: John Barclay
Flatman: “You could say he’s not bald. He ain’t far off, mate. The point is, he ain’t far off.
“I love him to bits 24/7 to the moon and back, but he has a beard which makes him look really attractive. It does, and my wife agrees. He’s a very, very handsome man, unless you know the inside scoop, which is that he wears the beard to cover a weak chin. Could you ever really put all of your trust in a man with a weak chin?”
Openside flanker: Neil Back
Flatman: “Is he fully bald? Not sure, but not far off. I wanted to put him in because, for me, growing up watching the 1997 Lions tour, he’s an icon. Backy is the guy.”
Number eight: Lawrence Dallaglio
Flatman: “If you put Lawrence in a jungle full of Silverback gorillas, I reckon within 15 minutes, they’re all picking nits off his back. If you put Lol at a black tie dinner in between Mike Tyson and John Bones Jones of the UFC, they’re two of the hardest men to ever walk the planet, they’re asking Lol what the secret is.”
The bald backs
Scrum-half: Jamison Gibson-Park
Flatman: “Matt Dawson is close, because he’s a legend. But, I want to go with Jamison Gibson-Park because I just love watching him play, and it’s a nod to the modern game. There aren’t many bald lads on this Lions tour, and you might say the game’s gone because of it, then I think you’d be right. But Jameson Gibson-Park is in.”
Fly-half: Charlie Hodgson
Flatman: “Charlie Hodgson is a forgotten genius. He played at the same time as Jonny Wilkinson, which was a nightmare for him. Jonny’s the big boss, the icon, but Charlie was so good.”
Inside centre: Mike Tindall
Flatman: “He’s always been big and lean, I respect that about Mike. He doesn’t eat carbs. I’ve never seen him eat a carbohydrate; he doesn’t eat meat, doesn’t eat pasta. I respect it. I envy it.”
Outside centre: Tom Shanklin
Flatman: “On his business card, he’s got double British and Irish Lion, which is embarrassing. He did get picked for the second tour, but got injured in the last game of the season for Cardiff, so he couldn’t go. So technically, he’s a Lion, not a double Lion.”
Left wing: Keith Earls
Flatman: “There’s no ‘funnies’ about Keith Earls. I’m sure there are, but in my mind, I just loved watching him play. Turns out that he’s like the greatest bloke, and the most emotionally intelligent, open, and inspirational bloke ever. So he’s one of my rugby heroes, nothing like me as a player, because he was like 100 caps, super fast, scored loads of tries, just a million times better. But yeah, one of my favourite players.”
Right wing: Gareth Thomas
Flatman: “He got 100 caps for Wales, which means amazing player, and came out as gay as, I think, the first. And there haven’t been many rugby players since to have done it. Whether there are loads of lads who haven’t told anyone yet or come out yet? I hope there aren’t, I hope everyone feels comfortable. But he paved the way. Apart from that, just wicked company, wild geezer, love it.”
Full-back: Geordan Murphy
Flatman: “What I’d say about Geordie, I say it from a distance, because he comes across as a nice guy, but when you really know him, he’s very aggressive. He’s a talented player, and actually, he’s got some lovely hair, but he is maybe 12 to 16 months away from making a decision. He either bites the bullet in terms of doing what I’ve done (gone bald), or he bites the bullet and books a flight on EasyJet (for a hair transplant). And I hope he goes my way, because he should own it. It’d look great.”