I Think Raccoons Are Filthy Animals. So Why Is My Husband Luring One Into Our Yard Every Night?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “James,” is doing something I think is extremely irresponsible with our 6-year-old son “Kaden” and I’m desperate for a neutral party to give me some ammo with which to shut it down. For the past month, a raccoon has been going through our backyard at night. Originally we all got a kick out of watching it meandering through from the window (Kaden is a big fan of the Guardians of the Galaxy movies, which feature a raccoon). But two weeks ago, James began going outside with Kaden and giving the raccoon hot dogs! When I voiced my objections, my husband said it was “harmless” since they just toss the hot dogs to the raccoon and don’t touch it. I am terrified that this animal is going to end up harming one or both of them. What can I do to put an end to my husband’s idiocy?

—Raccoon Riot

Dear Raccoon Riot,

Raccoons are a frequent sight at the University of California Santa Barbara, and according to guidance from the University, feeding these creatures is a bad idea. Officials warn that feeding the raccoons may lead them to be comfortable getting close to humans and come to expect to be fed, which can lead them to get aggressive when they don’t get the food they desire. And, of course, as I’m sure you know, raccoons can carry diseases, including deadly rabies.

Tell your son—and your husband—that there will be no more hot dogs for the local raccoon. It would be dangerous and irresponsible to continue feeding her. Put your foot all the way down. The longer this goes on, the more likely that this critter and his pals will come to expect your family to feel them— and may lash out if that doesn’t happen. And lest your husband argue that this raccoon would never do that, let him know that illness increases aggression in raccoons, and you have no way of knowing when this particular raccoon could go (more) feral. Sit with your husband and ask him to google “are raccoons dangerous.” It’s surprising that he doesn’t already know that they are, but there is no shortage of substantive information to help you prove that. Of course, you can also read him this column!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law “Gertrude” has ridiculed my wife “Faye” about her weight for years. Faye has tried to ignore it, but now Gertrude has recruited our 3-year-old daughter “Emmy” into her bullying campaign. We were having some cookies after dinner the other night when Emmy told her mom, “You’re too fat too have cookies.” My wife tried to laugh it off, but when I asked Emmy why she said it, her answer confirmed my suspicions: “Nanna says Mommy is too fat.”

I have stewed silently while Gertrude has made my wife the butt her jokes, but this is going too far. Faye says it’s not a big deal, but I think a line needs to be drawn here, if for no other reason than to teach Emmy that fat shaming others (especially her mom) is not acceptable. Am I free to tell Gertrude she’s no longer welcome in our home until she can treat my wife with respect and not act as a negative influence on our daughter?

—No More Insults

Dear No More,

My first instinct was to tell you that the decision to ban your mother-in-law from the house should be made with your wife but you know what? This woman has it coming. Tell her that she’s not going to be able to visit your family if she can’t refrain from being unkind to your wife and training your daughter to do the same. Your wife deserves to be defended and to know that someone who loves her thinks that what her mother is doing is unacceptable.

As far as your daughter goes, start engaging in conversations about different body types and how unkind the world can be to people in bigger bodies. Make sure you tell her that there’s no right or wrong size and that all bodies are beautiful. Explain to her why what she said was inappropriate and hurtful, and ask her to apologize to her mom. Tell her bluntly that even Grandmas can be wrong, and when it comes to this issue, her Nanna is categorically wrong.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have four siblings. My oldest sister got divorced when her two boys were 7 and 8, and for the last 20 years, she has blamed almost everything bad that has happened in her life on her being a “single mom raising two kids.” Because of this, she has always sought sympathy and money from the rest of us. This whole time she had shared custody and was receiving child support from her ex-husband, so I really don’t understand why she was always in such poor financial shape. My mom and dad gave her money until the day they died, and she was upset that her siblings weren’t helping her out after they passed away.

Last year, one of our cousins’ kids got married at a location about four hours away. My sister had asked multiple times who was going to drive her (she said she can’t afford gas) and cover her hotel room. None of us offered, so she drove herself and once there, asked who she would be rooming with, since she had no reservations and the hotel was full. My younger single brother, out of pity, allowed her to stay in his room with the agreement that she would sleep on the couch. When he came back from the reception, she was in bed and told him that because of her “back problems,” she needed the bed and he had to sleep on the couch. He was not very happy. Of course, the next morning she said she couldn’t reimburse him for half the cost of the room, because, seh reminded him, she is a single mom raising two boys.

In about a month, my niece is getting married in her fiancé’s hometown, about six hours away. My sister again asked who she was going to ride with and whom she would room with. Nobody gave her an answer. Last week, I got a phone call from her, saying that I was her last chance for a ride and a room; everybody else had told her “no.” I asked her why she thought I could help, since I have three kids and we have a full car and a full hotel room. She said because my oldest is my step-daughter, she really doesn’t need to go because “she isn’t a blood relative,” and she would take her place. She said my other kids could sleep on the couch and chair, and she could have the other bed.

I told her, “Are you nuts?” She went into her “I am a single mom” speech, and I let loose on her. Her kids are in their late 20s, and even though they live at home, she is almost 10 years past being a single mom, and it was past time for her to shut up about it. I said that if she kicked her adult kids out of the house and stopped spending on them, she would have money for stuff like this. She hung up on me.

I talked to my other siblings about this, and they had basically told her the same thing—you are not a single mom raising two boys anymore, and you have known for over a year that this wedding was coming up, so you should have been saving money for it. Now my sister is posting on social media how her family “kicked her to the curb,” and she is going to miss her niece’s wedding because her family isn’t supporting her because we don’t understand what difficulties being a single mom entails.

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I have already gotten some “shame on you” backlash from people, who, of course, don’t know the whole story. How do I respond to this? My siblings and I made a pact that we were not going to ever give our older sister any money, considering the way she bled our parents dry (any inheritance that may have been given to us was spent on her).

—She’s Not a Single Mom Anymore

Dear Not a Single Mom,

Any online friends who are co-signing your sister’s nonsense are as delusional as she is (unless they don’t know how old her children are). Unless you have a relationship with these folks, I wouldn’t worry about correcting them. If someone you know approaches you directly on her behalf, you can politely inform them that there is much they don’t know about your sister, but otherwise, I would ignore her internet supporters. You and your family know the truth, and unless people you need to do business with or otherwise interact with are getting caught up in the drama, it’s best that you look the other way. “Not your monkeys, not your circus,” as the old folks say.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My husband and I have a 3½-year-old who is the only grandchild on his side of the family. My in-laws are very loving with her and want to see her constantly. Recently, after our daughter spent the night with her grandparents, she came home talking about taking a bath with Grandma. I asked a few questions to clarify, and it turns out that, yes, she and Grandma took a bath together.

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