Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

Since my father died, my mother’s spending has gotten out of control. Her new “Life’s too short!” mentality, combined with a worsening gambling addiction, has led her finances to take a nosedive. She doesn’t seem to care that she’s cleaning out her retirement account and racking up debt, because she truly believes that all her bills will magically disappear when she’s gone. But in reality, isn’t she just making a big mess for the next generation to clean up? What impact can my mother’s bad financial habits have on me and my siblings? Do you have any advice on how we can help her see clearly and get out of these bad habits?

—Hesitant to Inherit Debt

Dear Hesitant,

I am so sorry about the loss of your father. I’ve experienced the loss of a parent firsthand and it’s rough. It’s also rough to watch the parent that’s here spiral due to their grief.

TL;DR: You are not responsible for the debt your mother leaves when she is gone, unless you co-sign something for her, OR she ends up leaving behind medical bills and you live in a state that recognizes filial responsibility laws. I’ll explain.

When someone dies, their estate inherits their debt. So the debt she owes would be taken out of whatever assets she has left. It doesn’t sound like there is going to be much left to pay off her creditors, so any legal action they pursue will be short lived, unless what’s left is a certain kind of debt: the aforementioned medical bills, or payments due to a nursing home. This is where filial responsibility law comes in.

Filial responsibility laws hold an aging parent’s children accountable for their medical bills, should Medicaid not cover those expenses. It’s not right, if you ask me, but some states have gone this route to allow creditors to seek payment from families. There are 26 states that allow filial responsibility laws to govern what happens after a parent dies, so your next step is to do your research to see if you live in one of them. From there, you can decide your next course of action, whether it be seeking an attorney who specializes in elder law, therapy for your mom, or both.

—Athena Valentine

From: How Can I Get My Parents To Disinherit My Lazy, Cruel Sister? (November 9th, 2021).

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My sister has been unemployed since 2016, and had a patchy work history before then. She’s currently living with our elderly mother, who doesn’t want to retire and still works outside of the home. When we were younger, my sister was vocal about wanting to become a stay-at-home mom and write in her spare time, but unfortunately that has fallen by the wayside.

She’s now in her 50s, single, with no children, and has no retirement funds. I don’t think she wants to work. She’s had several offers, but for various reasons (over-qualification, no promotion possibility, COVID, etc), she hasn’t accepted any of them. She doesn’t want to work service jobs. She gets income from sporadic freelancing and very small royalties from self-publishing, so she’s virtually supported by our mom, who pays all the bills.I’m afraid for my sister’s future, especially what would happen after mom’s death. Mom would have money in her retirement accounts, but I don’t know how long the money would last with my sister. There’s the house, but if we sell, she’d probably have to rent. I don’t want my sister to be destitute, and I don’t mind getting a smaller inheritance, but I have two teenage children and my own retirement to look after. What should I do to ensure that she will be OK once our mom’s gone, without jeopardizing my own financial health?

—(Don’t Want to Be) My Sister’s Keeper

Greg Lavallee
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Dear Sister’s Keeper,

You aren’t alone in having a parent who supports your adult sibling. According to this study recently published by CNBC, 45 percent of adults surveyed who have adult children have admitted to currently supporting them financially. You are not obligated to take care of your sister, just like your mother isn’t, so it’s nice that you do care what happens to her after your mother dies.

My advice is to ask your mom about it, and leave your sister out of it. Take your mother to lunch, or another neutral meeting place and ask how her estate planning is going. You can say that you are doing your own end of life financial planning, and want to make sure she is prepared since she is currently caring for your sibling, and she does own property. Since she may also be thinking the same thing, she may feel relieved in knowing she’s not alone in figuring out this issue.

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If she’s open to discussing it further, be honest, without putting your sister down. Share that you’re okay receiving a smaller inheritance, if that means your sister is taken care of, since you cannot provide the same financial support your mother now does. You genuinely care about your sister—I can tell from your letter—and your actions will reflect that.

Your mother may freeze up and not want to discuss this, which is normal. A lot of parents do not like to discuss their estate plans with their children, for various reasons. If the conversation goes south, let it go, and change the subject. It may be frustrating but at the end of the day, there is only so much you can do. Instead, focus on what you can. Prepare for hard conversations by reviewing potential scenarios with a therapist who specializes in codependency, and can help you establish boundaries, so you’re ready when the time comes, whatever the situation may be.

From: What Should I Do With This Shard Of Bitcoin My Evil Ex Left Me? (November 16th, 2021).

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My husband and I have been struggling to find a house to buy. Despite having a down payment saved, we still pay rent, and the market is insane where we live. My in-laws have several homes and decided to turn their vacation home into their retirement one. After their last renter moved, they offered their old suburban house to my husband and myself for free. It is very generous—unpromptedly so!—but I hate the idea.

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