Loneliness is increasingly described as an epidemic. In 2023, the surgeon general, Vivek Murthy, warned that widespread loneliness and lack of social connection had become a national public health crisis. A key point from that advisory is that about 1 in 2 adults in the United States reported significant loneliness.
We often hear the usual culprits discussed, such as social media, remote work, fewer places that people congregate, and fewer close friendships. But what if how our brains internally process external interactions plays a huge role in our feelings of loneliness?
Overthinking Is a Huge Driver of Loneliness.
For many people I see, in my work as a psychologist, loneliness is not about people having too few connections or even relationships. It’s about having a spinning mind that constantly second-guesses social opportunities and interactions.
For example, a forty-ish female client of mine recently shared with me that after conversations end (both live ones and through text), she often asks herself, “Did I say something stupid?”, “Why was there that awkward pause at one point before they responded?”, “I wonder if they think I’m weird?”
This client of mine illustrates what so many lonely people do. Instead of letting conversations pass naturally, they tend to dissect and overexamine them like a movie in an endless loop. The problem is that casual mental reflections end up becoming hypervigilant, mental surveillance.
Social Withdrawal Comes From Avoidance
Overthinking loves to see us withdraw from others. Why? Because then overthinking takes over our attention even more. It is not shocking, after all, when others describe to us how, when they overthink, they feel exhausted, and then they withdraw.
People may start hesitating in responding to texts. Then they find themselves avoiding invitations. Or, if they do engage, they obsess over what to say (or the what-ifs of what others may ask them) until the moments of interaction are over — but then they incessantly replay them. It’s ironic, but the very thinking meant to protect overthinkers from embarrassment is what drives them into isolation.
Overthinking Impacts Everyone, but Especially Young Adults and Teens
This socially themed, overthinking pattern happens to all of us, but it is a matter of degree. In today’s social media-driven world, digital natives such as young adults and teens who grew up with it are highly vulnerable to overanalyzing. This means maddening mental loops about text messages, group chats, and social media responses (or lack thereof). A delayed response feels painful. A lack of a cool emoji or a neutral response signals the “What did I do to upset them?” alarm.
The awful kicker here is that over time, these overthinking patterns quietly shape the behaviors of others who may reach out less, because they pick up on the hesitancy and pulling back of the overthinkers. So, loneliness grows not because relationships are impossible, but because overthinking gets in the way of them.
How About Setting the PACE to Heal From Loneliness
One way to interrupt this overthinking cycle laden with upsetting mental spirals is through a framework I call PACE, which I use with children, teens, young adults, and parents. I describe the PACE model in more detail in my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking.
To highlight it here, it stands for Pause, Acknowledge, Contain, and Engage.
Pause to notice when your mind is spinning stories about what others may be thinking.
Acknowledge your anxious thought by recognizing it and noting that it feels uncomfortable. Also, acknowledge that you don’t have to believe it.
Loneliness Essential Reads
Contain by setting time limits on how long you will replay conversations or analyze conversations.
Engage by taking a simple action toward a connection, even if it’s just a first step. Send that text, say hi to a neighbor, join a conversation, or reach out to someone in some other way. And, if it feels uncomfortable (but not impossible), all the better.
Final Thoughts
The goal is not to eliminate concerning thoughts. After all, sensitivity and thoughtfulness can strengthen relationships. Rather, the goal is to halt that second-guessing that creeps in and quietly sabotages the connections we cherish most.