This is a love letter to all of those who have dealt with a frightening cancer diagnosis. I am in awe of those who have struggled with it and have tremendous respect for their caregivers. You have taught me a lot. You have let me into your lives in your darkest and scariest moments. This has been an honor. I would like to share what I have learned so that others may avoid missteps I have made and that those around me have also made. I will also share what those with cancer and their caregivers have appreciated. On a personal note, I recently went on this journey with a family member I love with all my heart, so I speak from a very personal space.
I want to give thanks to those who checked in on us. Special thanks to my cousin Jayne, who sat with me in the waiting room. She is and always has been a great source of comfort. She’s all about the heart in ways that would take up several pages. I give thanks to dear Rebecca who arranged car services and recommended the doctor. She is more than a bright shining light. She is truly an angel. I, of course, thank the doctor who gave us his cell number and texted us throughout the process. This man is both a skilled surgeon and a man of great decency. I thank my daughter Amanda, who always seems to get it right. She checks in always and is a curious and active listener. I thank all of my friends and relatives who sent food, goodies, and love. Special thanks to my dear friend Rob, who listened to and supported us while going through his own personal struggle. Wow, really does sum up who you are. Honored to know you.
Here are the guidelines that you are waiting for. I sure do hope that they help.
Active Listening
This is likely the best thing you can do when speaking with the cancer patient and/or the caretaker. Let them speak. Stay interested with curiosity and concern. Try very hard not to interrupt. You don’t need to say anything other than reminding them that you will be available. Ask them how frequently they would like to speak and respect this. Sometimes they have a need to talk, while at other times they won’t want to think or talk about cancer. Remember that cancer is a part of their lives, and they still have many other areas of life at play.
Do Not Avoid
There is a tendency to avoid people when they are dealing with difficult issues like illness. It is true that you may not know what to say, but being available is what is most beneficial. Avoidance leads to hurt feelings and a lack of support. Push through your anxiety and make contact.
Do Not Instruct or Become Pedantic
The last thing that your friend or relative needs is advice about what to read or stories about your friends who have had cancer. Each person’s story is unique. Your friend also knows how to obtain information. They have just been hit with a life/death diagnosis. Lecturing and offering advice feels very aversive, not generous.
Avoid Offering Reassurance
Avoid comments like “Everything will be fine.” How could you possibly know that? Even the doctors don’t know that. Comments like that feel dismissive and frankly, a bit lazy. They shut the conversation down, and I sure hope that that is not what you are trying to do.
Good luck to everyone on this journey. It really does require a great team.