There are few mental health terms thrown around more than the word “narcissist.” People use it to describe a difficult boss, hurl the insult at a parent after a fight, or use it as an explanation for odd celebrity behavior. It’s a buzzy term, but most people aren’t narcissists, and there is a huge difference between having narcissistic tendencies and having a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
You can have narcissistic moments — like bragging about a work achievement or seeking attention from loved ones — without having narcissistic personality disorder, said Zoe Kinsey, a licensed mental health counselor at Self Space in Washington state.
While both things can be harmful, narcissistic personality disorder is much more serious and dangerous.
“NPD, to begin, is a really nuanced personality disorder and diagnosis. Not everybody is going to present the same,” said Kinsey.
“So, a more traditional definition … NPD is a personality disorder often characterized by extreme beliefs of grandiosity and self-importance, a severe lack of empathy, unrealistic expectations toward themselves and others, fear of rejection, and a significant need for praise and adoration that often comes at the exploitation of others,” Kinsey said.
Vanessa Reiser, a licensed clinical social worker and author of “Narcissistic Abuse,” noted: “They tend to gaslight. They are liars. Use the silent treatment, or are passive-aggressive to gain control through manipulation.”
“It’s not just one characteristic, right? It’s certainly not just somebody who likes to take pictures of themselves. That’s totally a misnomer,” Reiser added.
It’s a complicated diagnosis and concept as it presents in various ways in different folks and there are a number of things that contribute to the development of this disorder. One of those things may be nurture, which begs the question: Can your birth order, like being the eldest or youngest, turn you into a narcissist? Here’s what therapists say about that:
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Your birth order does not dictate your risk of developing narcissistic personality disorder.
Birth order does not impact someone’s risk of developing narcissistic personality disorder.
Being an eldest daughter or youngest son or middle child has nothing to do with the development of narcissistic personality disorder, both experts told HuffPost.
For instance, in a three-child family that follows Western stereotypes, all three kids could be at risk of developing the disorder for different reasons, Kinsey noted. The eldest child is often idealized and seen as the “golden child,” which could put them at risk, she said, while the middle child is often overlooked and lacks attention from their parents, which could put them at risk.
“And I’m thinking, finally, the youngest child, stereotypically, may be more babied or spoiled by parents, leading to a lack of empathy for others, and therefore increasing their chances of developing NPD,” said Kinsey.
It’s important to differentiate between narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic tendencies, too. As mentioned above, everyone can have narcissistic tendencies but that doesn’t equal the disorder.
Reiser said babying or coddling behavior from parents may cause someone to “lean toward narcissistic behaviors, not a disordered personality, which is entirely different.”
The coddling parents likely do with a firstborn child may contribute to these narcissistic characteristics, Reiser said, “but in terms of a personality disorder, I’m in the camp of it being much more of a biological or genetic predisposition. That kind of thing does generally happen randomly.”
It’s hard to say exactly what causes someone to develop narcissistic personality disorder.
Why someone develops narcissistic personality disorder, or any personality disorder, is complicated. But no matter what, birth order isn’t going to dictate whether someone has NPD.
“The discussion of nature and nurture is going to be super crucial when it comes to this in particular,” Kinsey said.
Reiser is part of the group that believes it’s genetic and that people can first show signs of it in childhood. Kinsey believes it’s both genes and trauma that put someone at risk of developing NPD.
“People with personality disorders [have] experienced trauma within the categories of attachment, abuse, neglect, betrayal and severe invalidation and inconsistency from parents” or anyone that child was attached to, whether that’s other family members or friends, said Kinsey.
“If a person has a specific mix of genes and has also experienced trauma, they are absolutely at a higher risk of developing NPD than the general population,” Kinsey added.
And what’s traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another, she noted. The body, not an individual, decides what is traumatic, Kinsey said.
But that’s not to say everyone who experiences trauma will develop NPD.
“It doesn’t just show up at the age of 18 because you were traumatized, because most of my clients are traumatized, but they’re not behaving like this,” said Reiser.
While many things increase the risk of NPD, there are a few things that can be done to help prevent or manage it.
To help combat the chances of someone, such as your child, developing narcissistic personality disorder, Reiser said it’s a good idea to cultivate empathy starting at a young age, whether that’s by exposing them to animals or people who are different from them.
“Another insulator would be to get children to understand the difference between fact and fiction,” Reiser said.
In a world where there are currently a lot of “alternative facts,” it can be hard for kids to understand what’s true and what’s not. And, in narcissism, there is lots of gaslighting and lying, she added.
“Those two things, I think, will help [parents] raise children that are empathetic, but also are thinking in terms of the truth,” Reiser noted.
If you do notice concerning personality traits in any of your kids, early intervention is key, Reiser said. You shouldn’t ignore troubling patterns, Reiser added.
“Paying attention to children’s behaviors early on is generally when we see the best outcomes. It’s hard to retrain a tree when it’s already grown,” Reiser added.
When it comes to personality development and healthy attachment in children, it’s important to check in with your child, notice their patterns and behaviors and prioritize your bond, said Kinsey.
“And, if you ever have any concerns, that’s what mental health therapists are here for. We’re here to answer any questions you might have and if you notice something that seems a bit off, that does not necessarily mean that your child has a diagnosis,” Kinsey said.
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With so many uncontrollable factors out there, it’s not possible to totally prevent trauma from happening, but “one of the biggest indicators that somebody’s body is going to develop PTSD or have really negative symptoms from trauma is … it’s based upon how they’re attached to the people around them. Do they have support or not?” Kinsey said.
“That support component and that attachment component are absolutely key,” Kinsey noted.
Kinsey added that it is possible for people to heal and learn to effectively manage this disorder, but it takes support from a mental health professional.