It said “Kemi’s Graffiti Patrol” on the backs of their heavy duty jackets but it didn’t make it clearer who or what they actually were. No explanation made any kind of sense. Was this really half the shadow cabinet, marching down a South London street, squeegee brushes over their shoulder? Or was it some kind of middle class Blazin’ Squad reboot?
When the invitations arrived to come and watch Kemi Badenoch, Mel Stride, Chris Philp and the rest clean up some graffiti in south London, some of us dared to dream. There was at least a chance, however small, that it might involve a Rover 825 Sterling saloon and the words “COCK PISS PARTRIDGE” but alas that was not to be. “Kemi’s Graffiti Patrol” was a stunt whose time had come, if too late for Alan Partridge.
Kemi Badenoch and the shadow cabinet scrub graffitied walls
There were plastic buckets of soapy water set out at the foot of a brick wall, beneath 8ft high “tags” in green and yellow. Whoever “BARZ” might be, well, he’s famous now, at least among the sort of people who enthusiastically consume politics live blogs, which may not have been his intended target audience.
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As modern politics goes, you’d be hard pushed to find a more perfect vignette. Badenoch, James Cleverly and the rest of the crew, all stood in a long line in front of the TV news cameras, spraying their pressure washers against a brick wall, which, after 20 minutes of not especially strenuous effort, looked exactly the same as it did before. All smiling away, videoed in the act of doing something, but with nothing actually happening. The only way it could have been improved as a piece of public artwork would be if Banksy himself had spray painted it and been forced to clean it off.
“It is tough to clean,” Badenoch eventually conceded. “I’ve got a lot off this one, but it’s only one brick.”
Michael the Geordie handyman, the one who eventually ended up working at the petrol station, could have told her that. Behind her, it appeared as if Mel Stride had all but given up, and was reaching instead for a can of purple spray, so that the defacement might be if not removed then at least desensitised, possibly to “COOK PASS BABTRIDGE”.
James Cleverly gets involved in the clean-upStefan Rousseau/PA
Elliott Franks
Next to him, the shadow health secretary, Victoria Atkins, was rubbing a sponge against some sort of steel door. They were, theoretically, launching some kind of new policy. “People who graffiti our streets should be made to clear it up,” said Badenoch. It’s a fine idea but is it, perhaps, still just a touch too early for the Conservatives to be angrily insisting people be made to clear up their own mess?
She gave a short interview at the end, in which she was asked about Donald Trump’s rather poor quality tweet in which he had depicted himself as Jesus healing the sick. She turned her head to one side and pushed a gentle sigh out through her nostrils. “I am here to hold Keir Starmer to account. It’s not my job to hold Donald Trump to account,” she said. “I am not here to talk about Donald Trump’s tweets.”
It was a noble answer. She seemed to have captured the mood of the moment. Serious, world-changing things are happening, yet politics has become ever more ridiculous and absurd. But not for Kemi. Sorry, but no, she simply wasn’t going to engage with banal nonsense. Over her left shoulder, the shadow culture secretary Nigel Huddleston quickened the pace of his sponge up and down the brick wall in front of him, presumably in a show of solidarity.
A moment later, she was asked about Nigel Farage, and specifically the least surprising news that has ever happened — that the winner of this free energy bills prize is an enthusiastic Reform party member. “That’s what Reform does,” she said. “They think they can confuse the public, but it’s all gimmicks and silly things.”
Again, she was not wrong. And only a pedant would point out that she said these words while wearing a jacket that had been specially printed with the words “Kemi’s Graffiti Patrol”. And also that most of her shadow cabinet had spent a full morning collectively removing approximately 60 per cent of the spray paint from a single brick.