We all know that mattering is important. But what is it exactly? And how can we help our children to feel they matter?
Mattering is the sense of feeling valued (Cornwall, 2023). Children who feel they matter feel seen, heard, and important. This feeling is vital to their sense of personal significance, connectedness, and social acceptance, as well as being an important source of resilience and adaptability (Flett, et al, 2021 ).
When a child feels they matter, this forms a protective shield against the teasing and other forms of mistreatment that inevitably occur in childhood (Flett et al, 2021). In fact, developing a sense of mattering can also reduce negative feelings about the self as well as reducing or inhibiting the development of suicidal feelings and ideas (Flett et al) and other problematic behaviors.
Teenagers who feel like they matter to their families are less likely to binge drink and struggle with addiction, and they are more likely to experience happiness, self-compassion, empathy, self-efficacy, resilience, academic achievement and life satisfaction.
Helping Kids Feel That They Matter
A sense of mattering can come from various sources. Of course, the child must feel loved by those important to him or her, and they must be treated like they matter – both at home and at school. But they also must have real opportunities to make a contribution. Ideally, this should happen at home, at school and in the larger community.
Parents who are already overwhelmed with all the responsibilities of work and parenthood may wonder how they are going to do this on top of everything else they do!
But this is important.
Concrete Strategies to Introduce At All Ages
– Start early.
– Young children can begin to help around the house. They can do very simple jobs and you can tell them how proud you are of them when they finish. Even if they refuse at first, keep encouraging them. Make screen time contingent on doing certain tasks – or allow them to earn screen time by doing these tasks.
– Children as young as four or five can join in on community activities such as street clean-ups, collecting clothes and taking them to Goodwill or donating food for those in need. Make sure you explain what they are doing and why it is important.
– Older children can join you in doing a few hours of volunteer work each week. You can do this through your place of worship or local community organizations. And again, talk about why it is important for them do this and why you like to spend time doing this. Emphasize their importance to others when they do this.
– Try to find volunteer opportunities for your teens in the community. Fire or ambulance stations often have first aid, choke-saving and babysitting courses. And sometimes there are opportunities for teens to actually work there as helpers or junior EMTs. Nursing homes and continuing care facilities often allow teens to volunteer as do some hospitals. Find something that could be interesting to your teen and encourage them to take part. Do some hours with them if that will help them to go. And in the end, after helping your child to get involved and after getting involved yourself, you may find that you feel you matter more than you thought as well!