A parent has opened up about the “biggest thing” they got wrong about their son’s ADHD – and the shift in mindset that’s since helped make life that bit easier for their family.
ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a form of neurodivergence characterised by a pattern of symptoms such as inattention, hyperactivity or impulsivity. It’s thought to impact around 700,000 children in the UK.
There’s been a “significant rise” in ADHD diagnoses over the past two decades, which experts believe is largely down to greater awareness of the condition.
And for many parents, it’s been a real learning curve as they learn to support their child through a diagnosis and adapt their parenting styles to suit.
Taking to Reddit’s r/ADHDparenting forum, one parent said for a long time, they thought their son was “making things harder than they needed to be”. But a simple shift in perspective helped change the game.
“I’d think: Why can’t he just do the thing? Why can’t he put his shoes on? Why can’t he brush his teeth? Why can’t he get ready without turning everything into a struggle?” they recalled.
“Then someone explained ADHD in a way that finally clicked for me. A lot of the time my son isn’t refusing to do things. He’s struggling to get started.”
The parent acknowledged this was “a huge shift” for them, because they would usually see the behaviour as defiance and would “push” their child harder: talking more, repeating demands, getting frustrated faster – and “everything got worse”.
Why arguing or getting frustrated makes things worse
Dr Chris Abbott, chief medical officer at Care ADHD, previously told HuffPost UK there is some evidence that the reward-seeking tendencies of the ADHD brain mean that a strong emotional response – including conflict – can feel stimulating in the moment.
“ADHD is linked to differences in dopamine regulation. High-intensity interactions, like arguments, can briefly increase arousal and dopamine, making the child feel more alert, engaged, or switched on,” he said.
“In this regard, conflict can feel rewarding – irrespective of the circumstances in which it first arose.”
Arguments are emotionally charged. So, for a child who often feels under-stimulated, “strong emotions – even negative ones like frustration or anger – can feel energising and hard to disengage from,” explained the ADHD expert.
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A shift in parenting perspective can help
Sharing with other parents, the Redditor said they now try to look at their son’s behaviour differently: “Not: ‘He won’t do it.’ But: ‘What’s getting in the way?’”
This results in less pressure, less fighting and no longer feeling like they’re both failing, they added.
One commenter shared they understand the shift in thinking but struggle with what to do to actually help their child in the moment: “I need everyone to get out the door on time because I need to get to work. I get that he can’t get started on the task of getting dressed, so how do I help him with that? How do I start scaffolding that task so that he CAN do it eventually?”
We know that mornings are extra difficult for kids and teens with ADHD, for a plethora of reasons (which you can read more about here). People with ADHD also commonly struggle with executive dysfunction, which can make it very difficult to prioritise tasks, evaluate choices, and make decisions.
OP (original poster) responded that “this was the hardest part” for them, too.
“What helped me was realising that ‘get dressed’ isn’t one task for my son, it’s like 10 little tasks. So instead of saying ‘go get dressed’, I started breaking it down… ‘let’s do socks first’, then shirt, then pants. Also keeping the same morning routine every day helped a lot.”
They added that it’s not a “perfect” solution, but when there’s less pressure placed on their child, there’s “less resistance”.
Another parent agreed that breaking the tasks down into smaller steps has worked for them, too.
Offering the example of brushing their child’s teeth, they said they’ll focus on: “Just put the toothpaste on the toothbrush. If that’s too hard, then just walk into the bathroom.
“Breaking it down into the smallest first step has helped TREMENDOUSLY because like you said, it’s the struggle to get started.”