I have been grappling for a long time with the social and personal perception of voluntary abortion, about how women process their decision to terminate their pregnancy. Many questions are at the forefront of my interest in this maternal conversation.
Personal questions such as what were her (any woman’s) thoughts and feelings about her abortion at the time? Was she 100% committed. Was it her choice? Did she share her decision to terminate with others or was it a secret? Was there disagreement over the decision? Did she feel pressured? Does she have memories about her abortion? Does she ever think about it now? If so is this part of her current internal world?
I’m curious about whether she experienced judgement related to her decision, either personally or as part of the public narrative?
Comparing Voluntary Abortion and Reproductive Loss
Whether she felt that voluntary abortion is relegated to a level of lesser importance than reproductive losses, those painful, despairing and devastating experiences of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, infertility, stillbirth, neonatal death and termination for medical reasons.
This is an important discourse as statistics say that more than 1 in 4 women in the US have had an abortion during their life1 and the vast majority of these are in the voluntary category2.
Over the last 30 years, I have undertaken research and written comprehensively about the maternal space, notably infertility as a reproductive loss and in the field of maternal ambivalence. This has demonstrated to me that mothering is complicated and often messy, a full psychic and physical commitment.
I suspected that there is some simmering and unresolved emotional impact for many women who endure silenced pain about their voluntary abortions. However, I couldn’t get to a cogent place to understand it.
I reached some clarity when I read Maggie Rowe’s article in June 2026 Psychology Today magazine, titled “Missing the Children I Never Had: Why some forms of longing are not meant to be resolved”3. Her personal decision to be childfree, together with voluntary abortion, which I term experiences of “near” mothering, share a taboo element. Both have shards of something “unnatural” which is connected to a woman’s choice not to mother when she potentially can.
Rowe writes about her intentional decision to remain childfree by choice. This is the right choice for her, however she also experiences surprising sensations of longing that have struck her over the years. She uses a Portuguese word “saudade”4 to describe this yearning.
Saudade pinpoints the sensation for her. She expands this to describe her inner longing at this time, an imagining, in which she misses the two children that she never had, but nevertheless has assigned names to. She makes it clear that this is not about nostalgia or regret, or a wish to “redo her life or correct a mistake”5. Rather it is a yearning. It is an ache and it is “sweet”. An experience that she doesn’t want to repair or eliminate. It is simply an awareness, “You feel it, and then it recedes, and then it comes back again. It is a form of emotional weather rather than a psychological emergency. It suggests that some forms of longing are not symptoms to be cured but conditions to be understood.”6
Rowe surrenders to these moments of saudade. She seems to revel in them. These reflections of her inner world give her the wherewithal to hold both her decision to be childfree and the ache, and the unbridled yearning that accompanies it. There is a bitter sweetness for her. She realizes it’s not something to be fixed or neglected. It’s just there. A recognition.
Rowe’s story moved me because it articulates something often unspoken about these “near” mothering experiences. The possibility of a deep psychic energy which calls for understanding and grace, and the truth that despite supposed 100% certainty, that uncertainty can and does exist. Rowe welcomes a space to pause and reflect.
For the woman who has chosen voluntary abortion this path grants a respectability for the struggles of her inner psyche, the permission and freedom to traverse her deeper layers. A validation of feelings that may puzzle and bewilder. A space to wander and wonder, where hope and despair, fear and turmoil can be safely held. A space free of judgement where unresolved and resolved feelings are welcomed. Where she can be with all her dreams, both fulfilled and lost. Where paradox is accepted and expected.
Where she can surrender to her pain. Where things don’t need to be fixed. A place of comfort, not cure. A sacred place that belongs to her and that she can claim. A place where complicated and inconsistent human feelings abound and are welcome. A valuable place for her own self-realization and struggle.
Pregnancy Essential Reads
Accepting the Complexity of Women’s Reproductive Feelings
Rowe reminds us that women and their reproduction is not linear or logical. Feelings exist within a woman’s reproductive inner world and can return to her in unexpected ways. It may not make sense and that doesn’t matter; it’s not meant to. It is founded on a capacity to flow, to let go and hold on, and to surrender. All hold deep emotional weight and meaning. There are many curves, interruptions and paradoxes to navigate. Instead of judging we need to welcome contradiction, surprising feelings and fantasies. Without suppressing. An acceptance that resolution may not come and that the maternal psyche is the essence.
It calls for permission to connect with and talk about what is often silenced but needs a voice. We need more compassion and understanding for the 1 in 4 women.
“Some longings are not meant to be fulfilled. They are meant to be carried. They ask us not to cure them, but to let them have a place.”7