Our modern society is dominated by conformity and social structures. Businesses, homeowners associations, schools, churches, nonprofit organizations, and civic groups shape nearly every aspect of modern life. They influence whether we maintain employment, pay our bills, find support when we need it, and successfully navigate an increasingly complex world.

One example of this influence is the homeowners association. In many communities, it is nearly impossible to purchase a home or condominium without joining an HOA that exercises significant control over daily life. A recent Jacksonville case became national news after a younger homeowner inherited her father’s house in a 55+ community. According to news reports, neighbors were openly divided, with some publicly stating, “She should move.” The homeowner reported years of pressure, revoked privileges, and legal action while attempting to remain in her late father’s home. In another case, a California homeowner described what he believed was a “personal vendetta” after receiving repeated violation notices while neighbors with similar issues were left alone. The HOA denied those allegations and stated that it was enforcing its rules consistently.

The Influence of Social Groups

HOAs are only one example of how our lives are shaped by social groups. Parent-teacher organizations, churches, schools, volunteer organizations, and civic groups all influence opportunities, relationships, and the communities in which we live.

These social systems can be overwhelming for anyone. For autistic adults, however, they present a unique challenge because autism fundamentally affects social communication. In a society where success often depends on navigating unwritten social rules, the consequences can be profound.

Research shows that neurotypical adults often form negative first impressions of autistic people, even when autistic individuals are actively trying to fit in. Sasson and colleagues (2017) found that neurotypical participants were less willing to interact socially with autistic adults after only a few seconds of exposure. More recently, a 2025 meta-analysis synthesizing 21 studies and 221 effect sizes concluded that autistic people consistently receive less favorable first impressions than non-autistic people across nearly every presentation format except written transcripts. The authors concluded that these differences are driven largely by differences in nonverbal communication rather than by the content of what autistic people say.

Trying to Succeed in a Conformity-Focused World

That finding should force us to ask an uncomfortable question: How are autistic adults expected to succeed in a world where social acceptance and social conformity influence nearly every aspect of adult life?

Much of our attention is focused on autistic children. We teach them to blend in, make eye contact, suppress stimming, and act as “normally” as possible. Yet the research suggests that even autistic adults who become highly skilled at masking are often still perceived as awkward, off-putting, or difficult by neurotypical observers. If fitting in remains elusive despite tremendous effort, then maintaining employment, finding housing, participating in community organizations, and accessing support become far more difficult than many people realize.

One autistic adult on Reddit captured this experience with heartbreaking simplicity:

“Am I just doomed to be alone forever unless I regain my ability to fake my entire existence?”

As an autistic adult, I feel that question in my bones.

The truth is that even when I am trying to fake my entire existence, I often fail to meet neurotypical expectations. My own HOA is largely shaped by neurotypical voices who value things I don’t even understand and have difficulty conforming to because they don’t make sense to me. I volunteer at neighborhood events, attend meetings, and genuinely try to be friendly. Yet we seem to receive an endless stream of complaints over issues that often make little sense to me. We mow our lawn. We address every complaint. Still, the conflict never seems to be about the property itself. It feels rooted in my interactions with neighbors and their discomfort with someone who is profoundly different.

Unfortunately, this has not been limited to my neighborhood. I have experienced similar patterns in workplaces, nonprofit organizations, volunteer groups, and countless community groups I genuinely wanted to be part of. No matter how much I mask, volunteer, or try to help, I eventually find myself becoming disliked and shunned.

Consequences of Social Rejection for Autistic Adults

The cost of this constant social rejection is staggering. Autistic adults experience dramatically elevated rates of unemployment, anxiety, depression, and suicide compared with the general population. Many lose jobs they believed they were performing well in, often after receiving positive evaluations, only to hear vague explanations such as, “You weren’t a good fit,” “You were disrespectful,” or “You made people uncomfortable.” The tragedy is that many autistic adults are completely unaware they have violated social expectations because those expectations were never explicitly communicated. Some autistic people’s inability to read social cues can make them unaware of the ways they may be upsetting those around them.

Autistic people spend their lives trying to understand neurotypical culture. We study it, rehearse it, imitate it, and often exhaust ourselves trying to belong. Masking and pretending to be normal has been shown to have a profound impact on autistic mental health and suicide rates and it is a daily part of our existence. Maybe it is time to ask neurotypical society to meet us halfway.

The solution cannot be asking autistic people to become better at pretending to be someone else. Instead, we must become more willing to question our own assumptions about likability, professionalism, friendliness, respect and what it means to “fit in.” There is extraordinary beauty in human diversity, but that beauty can only flourish when we stop demanding conformity as the price of living in society.