Most romantic partners can identify with relational highs and lows. Yet when there is trouble in paradise, calming the storm may be easier than we think—in the moment.
Research explores the power of the pause—taking a “time out” to de-escalate disagreement.
Interrupting Emotional Negativity
Obviously, as a career prosecutor, my message is that domestic violence should be reported to law enforcement. But many couples struggle with verbal aggression and toxic communication patterns, which are enormously destructive to relational quality. Thankfully, there are strategies to reduce negativity.
Annah G. McCurry et al. (2024) explored the link between negative emotion and aggression during couples’ conflict. They recognize that expressed emotion drives behavior and negative affect increases the likelihood of aggression. They note that even the perception of a partner’s emotion can impact aggression, which can lead to what they refer to as a violence escalation cycle. As many couples are aware, this pattern can become a significant problem when one or both partners struggle with emotion regulation, considering the link between poor emotional regulation and the chance of aggressive behavior.
How does escalation occur? McCurry et al. found that experiencing negative emotion predicts reactive aggression between partners. Prototypic displays of negative emotion through facial affect compound the effect, which produces dramatic alterations in patterns of aggression depending on partner expressiveness. But there is a way to interrupt this process.
Breaking Bad Habits by Taking a Break
Seeking to reduce aggression, McCurry et al. imposed temporal delays in the form of experimental forced breaks that decreased negative emotional arousal and limited impulsive action. Sure enough, they found that breaks, whether forced or elected (where participants chose to extend the forced break time), reduced aggression, demonstrating how interventions that are focused on preventing impulsive action during periods of partner provocation can reduce aggression.
Regarding the expressiveness of one or both partners, McCurry et al. observed an 86 percent increase in aggression when both partners were expressing negative emotion compared to when neither partner was doing so. They also found indications of patterned behavior and reciprocity, noting that the dynamic interaction between partners over time showed that couples begin to match each other’s aggression.
Their most important discovery, however, was that the introduction of a short delay post-provocation reduced aggression, which can be a powerful, practical intervention aimed at reducing aggression between partners. Regarding timing, they found that time spans ranging from 5 to 15 seconds resulted in similar reductions in negative emotion and aggression, although they also found that participants who chose to take extra time before responding experienced a further decrease in negative emotion and exhibited less aggression. They note the practical value of their findings—that training individuals to take voluntary breaks may constitute an effective strategy for aggression reduction.
Practicing Patience Through Pausing
Apparently, there is power in taking a pause, assuming a mutual time-out to allow both partners to take a breath. As most people know from other situations, a break in the action often diverts the path. Couples desiring to break cycles of negativity can proactively prevent conflict from escalating if agreed-upon breaks are practiced as an option. And for couples who choose to augment interpersonal strategies in their personal lives, professional help is available.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.