“Everybody here is crazy. We’re all making each other insane. We all need to go for a walk. It’s like we’re at one big Thanksgiving dinner, and all of us need to go outside and go for a walk!”
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The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved comedian to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you’ll learn about Will Arnett, the actor, comedian, and Smartless podcaster best known for playing iconic roles like Gob Bluth in Arrested Development and BoJack Horseman in the eponymous animated series. He co-wrote and stars in the Bradley Cooper–directed Is This Thing On?, which premieres October 10 at the New York Film Festival.
I don’t generally eat anything before bed, but, stupidly, I’ll usually drink sparkling water.
It would have no political bent. It wouldn’t tell people what to do. It would be much more focused on people loving each other and more about people connecting with each other in a real way and being kind to each other.
I can wish list this, huh? I’m going to start manifesting in real time. Obviously, my friends at Loro Piana, Rolex … Listen, I have very highfalutin tastes. In a very selfish, self-serving way, it would be those things. What else? My friends over at NetJets, let’s say. All the most high-roller nice things, you know? Why not reach for the stars?
I don’t think that I have one. Maybe — this is going to sound corny — not being loved?
A lot. I feel like I finally, at 55 years old, have a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be than ever before. I’ve had the most enlightening spiritual experience in the last year. I’m just much more comfortable with who I am today. That comfort came through exploration, willingness, and surrendering old ideas about who I am, and it’s allowed a lot of stuff to come into my life. It’s allowed love to come into my life in a real way. That comes through self-reflection, it comes through love of my kids, it comes through all these things. I don’t know if people around me could tell or not, but I think that I do get that back from my friends. I’ve let a lot of stuff go in the last year. I believe that something bigger is playing out in the universe at all times, and I feel much more connected to that.
You mean quite literally the last thing I just read? I just got an email from Wrangler: “25 percent off denim plus free shipping ends soon.” That’s at the top of my inbox. So, by the way, get on that.
What text message did I get? Let’s see. One of my sons just said to my ex-wife and me, “Can you guys send me yearbook photos? I think they sent them.” I’m also reading Beautiful World, Where Are You, by Sally Rooney. It’s so good! I’ve had a slower book year than last year. In 2024, I read 26 books, and this year I think I’m only at six. It’s just been a bit busier this year, and I was working a lot, so it was tough at night to read because I was just too tired.
I’m going to tell you right now. Don’t go anywhere. [Scrolling on computer.] I want to get it right so bad. Where did I get it? This is so not worth it. Come on, internet! You claim to be so good! Oh! I thought it was going to be this book by Carl Jung, but you know what it was? It was a used copy of Christiane F: Autobiography of a Girl of the Streets and Heroin Addict. Remember that movie, Christiane F.? David Bowie did the music, and he’s actually in it, about these street kids and heroin addicts in West Berlin? Anyway, a used copy of that book.
Probably a friend of mine, Mike. We had a difference of opinion. I get when people have a difference of opinion on whatever subject, but if you’re not willing to entertain the other person to see where the other person is coming from and why it is that they formed that opinion, then we’re fucked. As I said that, I was like, Jesus. Playing out in the macro much?
Here’s the other thing: I tried to come from the high road. My buddy, Jimmy Vallely, used to always call it “the high-road handshake” when you come from way above. I have to be careful when I think I’m right to not be too strident. So when I say that, I have to apply that to myself.
Despair.
Yeah, I have a lot. I am, beyond my wildest dreams, wealthy with friends. Truly. Next to being a parent and finding love, it’s all up there in that same category that’s above anything else sort of worldly. I have really great friends whom I love and who love me, and for that I am incredibly grateful. That word gets thrown around a lot, but it’s true. I feel very fortunate in that way.
The Bourne Identity movies, and I want to be the guy who finally beats Jason Bourne, so I could fight Matt. But if this is a real possibility, you’ve got to give me some time. I’m 55, so it’s going to take me a little bit longer to get in that kind of Bourne shape. I’ll fake it, too. I’m not averse to a body double. I want to do one of those things where my character has to sprint for like a quarter-mile — full sprint — with a weapon, but not breaking a sweat, you know what I mean? The eyes stay completely focused; he’s barely breathing. And then he gets to the thing, and he’s still not even huffing and puffing at all. That’s the guy I want to be.
I hear myself saying “uhhh” or “um,” and I’d love to cut that out. It’s a real sign of weakness. I find it — not in other people, just in myself — despicable.
One of my kids, probably. I think maybe a lot of parents think this about their kids, but my kids have great outlooks on life. They’re pretty positive, and they come up with interesting ideas and thoughts out of left field all the time, and sometimes I’m like, How did you get to that? I’d love to know what that process was. I know I probably should say “Einstein” or something like that, but I don’t want to be mired in some fucking avalanche of numbers and equations. That would be maddening and, frankly, boring.
Indulging in ice cream and hot fudge twice in three days. That’s a true story. I allowed myself one; I’m very disciplined in that way. Then, last night, at a friend’s dinner, they brought out like eight different kinds of ice cream on a tray and a sort of gravy boat filled with hot fudge. And they put it in front of me, which I thought was rude, insinuating that I was the only one who wanted it. And I fucking went crazy, and I woke up this morning feeling a major sugar hangover. I had to remind myself that it was delicious. But I’m feeling it today.
The ability to let other family members’ remarks roll off their back. I think that, for too long, I would let my historical experience shape my reaction to stuff, and I do see other family members have the ability to move past that, where I’ll let it push buttons. I’d love to be able to disconnect the buttons.
I started off quite blond when I was little, then brown. Then there was a moment there where it was dyed a little bit blond again for a couple years. It started out for a job, then I think I probably fudged it for a couple years and convinced myself I was still doing it for a job, but I wasn’t really. I looked really dumb. Really just two, I guess.
Portugal. I’ve been spending a little bit of time there, and I love Portugal. It’s a beautiful country, and the people are amazing. I love their approach to life. Even though they’re Portuguese, you can still apply the French term joie de vivre that they seem to have. They appreciate family. You go over there, and you’re reminded when you walk around and talk to people: Everybody’s not crazy like they are here! Everybody here is crazy. We’re all making each other insane. We all need to go for a walk. It’s like we’re at one big Thanksgiving dinner, and all of us need to go outside and go for a walk!
Patience. I remember this friend of mine told me once she had a disagreement with somebody else, somebody she was working with. She called her father and said, “I don’t know if I can work with this person because they’re so tough to work with, and they’re so disagreeable.” And her father said to her, “How will you ever learn patience if you don’t have someone to teach you?” I was like, Whoa. That story has stuck with me for 15 years, and I try to, when I can — and some days, I’m better than others — remember that when I’m dealing with people, the idea that they’re your guru or whatever: Just try as much as you can to say, Okay, they’re teaching me patience.
Nothing. And yes.
That’s quasi-true. I haven’t had anything other than coffee this morning, because I went to the dentist. Just got a little clean. Yesterday, I can tell you that I had about four scrambled eggs with some bacon. That’s much more of a weekend breakfast. But most mornings, my regular breakfast is a banana, which I eat in parts, and I scoop out peanut butter with a spoon onto the banana.
[Laughs.] Other than that question? That’s a hilarious question. I don’t know. I find so much stuff funny. I know that that seems like a cop-out. Maybe I’m stalling.
I think it’s funny that we all act like we’re not going to die. That’s been occurring to me a little bit more lately. Everybody acts like they’re going to live forever. We’re all holding on to and protecting something instead of letting go.
Elon Musk is profoundly unfunny. Especially when he tries to be funny.
Group connection between people.
Being purposefully unkind and having a disregard for those who don’t have the advantages you have and ignoring that or being blind to that. Or not even being blind — what’s more cynical is knowing that exists and continuing to punch down. I find that to be particularly grotesque.
$19 billion.
Gangland murder, execution style.
JK. What is my most likely cause of death? Old age.