☆☆☆☆☆
“Didn’t this belong to Elizabeth Taylor?” simpers Kim Kardashian’s ass-kicking lawyer Allura Grant as her younger husband, Chase Munroe (Matthew Noszka), a beefcake American football player, hands her a piece of anniversary present bling.

Well done, Kim. You must have quite a healthy ego yourself to star in what may well be the worst television drama ever made. Because All’s Fair (Disney+) is so bad, it’s not even enjoyably so. It thinks it’s a feminist fable about spirited lawyers getting their own back on cruel rich men but is in fact a tacky and revolting monument to the same greed, vanity and avarice it supposedly targets. All scripted, it feels, by a toddler who couldn’t write “bum” on a wall.

Actually the culprits here are the creator Ryan Murphy and his team, who have strung together preening Insta boasts into a clumsy, haphazard whole. And what is Glenn Close doing in this as the senior lawyer Dina Standish, who assembles the team, all of whom have faintly porn starry names (Allura’s ball-busting girl gang includes Naomi Watts’s Liberty Ronson and Niecy Nash’s Emerald Greene)?

We don’t see a great deal of Close after the cack-handed expository opening flashback. Wise move. But it does mean that she leaves the floor (or rather walk-in wardrobe) to the grim ensemble who are simply determined to get billions for (often already pampered) clients apparently wronged in various ways by the patriarchy. There is one young tech bro among a sea of thoughtless aged gits (though Allura does not judge the dominatrix he visits, of course) but their targets are caricatures I hesitate to call cardboard because I am reluctant to insult a very useful packaging material. Papier-mâché would be better.

The one slight twist is that Chase is also a wrong’un who is sleeping with one of Allura’s colleagues because he “cannot breathe” in her “perfect house” with its “perfect paintings”. “You’re famous, you have three Super Bowl rings,” she tells him with a straight face. But Kardashian’s face is always straight because acting is not her strong suit. No matter: Allura’s pain prompts her girl gang to take her on a dinner and shopping spree to New York. The tawdry materialism of this drama is also staggering.

• Read more TV reviews, guides about what to watch and interviews

Does Kardashian (who plans to take bar exams, we are told) make a convincing lawyer? No, she does not. She is to acting what Genghis Khan is to a peaceful liberal democracy, though of course the dialogue — a tsunami of clunking cliché that drowns this whole enterprise in the first five minutes — doesn’t help her cause. “I’m making your favourite drink,” Allura tells Chase at one point as she, er, makes him a drink.

The women have one female enemy in Carrington Lane (Sarah Paulson), a woman who, we are told, needs to “learn to be human” (eh?), before she channels Close’s Cruella de Vil while smashing up Dina’s office. “That’s a gift from Golda Meir,” Dina tells Carrington (a gift here is worth little without a famous name attached) before the younger woman storms out to fulfil her role as the principal female antagonist.

But that’s the thing about this ten-part drama. It’s so steeped in its noxiously dumb stream of feminist sloganising, and our heroines are so dreadful, that it sometimes feels as if it doesn’t even like women very much.
The first the three episodes of All’s Fair are available on Disney+ with new episodes released weekly

Love TV? Discover the best shows on Netflix, the best Prime Video TV shows, the best Disney+ shows, the best Apple TV+ shows, the best shows on BBC iPlayer, the best shows on Sky and Now, the best shows on ITVX, the best shows on Channel 4 streaming, the best shows on Paramount+ and our favourite hidden gem TV shows. Don’t forget to check our critics’ choices to what to watch this week, and browse our comprehensive TV guide