This week’s diarist is running on no sleep and no sex (Picture: Myles Goode/ Getty)
Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week we hear from journalist and mum-of-two, Ashley*, 31.
Ashley already had a son, now 10, from a previous relationship when she met her partner, David*, 28, in 2021.
In August 2024, the pair found out that they were expecting their first child together. And while they’d previously had a thriving sex life, they haven’t done it since.
‘It’s like this shameful secret that we have,’ Ashley tells Metro. ‘It wasn’t a deliberate choice, we just didn’t feel like it when I was pregnant.
‘We had so much going on at the time too, from family deaths, to health struggles, it just wasn’t a priority.’
Prior to their dry spell, the couple typically had sex once-a-week and while they’ve not had penetrative sex for 18 months, they have done oral.
‘A few months ago I gave David a spontaneous blow job, but 99% of the time we co-sleep with our nine-month-old, John*, who also doesn’t go to nursery, so anything lasting longer than a few minutes is simply out of the question,’ she adds.
Despite not having sex, Ashley says their relationship is ‘stronger than ever’ and she’s confident their sex life will return at some point.
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‘Now, we just find new ways to be intimate and romantic with each other, like date night twice a month where we cook a nice meal for each other.’
So, without any further ado, here’s how she got on this week…
Thursday
It’s 8.55am and I sneak begrudgingly out of bed to log on for my weekly
Zoom therapy session. I’ll be working through my feelings around self-worth, parenthood, and being out of work.
I slept awfully though, because John, my nine-month-old, is waking us up every half an hour.
Luckily our 10-year-old, Tommy, is very independent and sets his own alarm and gets himself breakfast after giving me a shake. I then check he’s got everything and he walks himself the two minute walk to school. That’s an extra 20 minutes in bed we can savour before the day starts.
David is beside me, unconscious. I don’t begrudge him, it was my choice
to co-sleep while breastfeeding and he’s been nothing but supportive. And David is now able to help more at night because there are longer gaps between feeds.
Thanks to him I am slowly starting to feel like my old self again. He doesn’t know it, but these acts of equality make him more attractive to me than ever.
The day flies by in the blink of an eye, mum dates, job applications and taking Tommy to his never ending list of clubs, it’s evening and I’m just about ready to collapse.
At 10:22pm, David and I share a quick kiss because it’s an ‘angel time’, before flopping onto the sofa to catch up on this week’s Fallout episode.
John sleeps peacefully on David’s lap so there won’t be any sex tonight, but that’s no surprise.
Friday
Today is social media day! After losing my job as an editor four months into my maternity leave, my mental health and self confidence was shattered.
Although paid work has been hard to come by, I did manage to bag myself a voluntary gig doing social media for a local business. It’s really nice to be able to put my brain into action again.
David loves the fact that I’ve got this a few times a week. Even though it’s work, it’s fun and I love it. He is always telling me how sexy he finds my drive and ambition, he says it turns him on to have a ‘high achieving wife’.
We’re not married and I don’t feel very high achieving but it still
makes me blush when he says things like that. Sex may not be on the cards anymore, but I’ve found David to be more attentive and kind than
ever.
When we hit the six week postpartum mark we feel a lot of pressure to have sex again, because that’s what flyers say you can do, but when it came down to it, neither of us felt ready.
We actually had this awkward moment where we planned it, put the baby to sleep in another room, then we were kissing, but I felt really on edge listening out for the baby. When I said I wasn’t feeling it he breathed with his whole body and said ‘thank god’ because he felt weird wondering if our baby would need us.
When I’m at my lowest he’s there to tell me how proud he is and grab my bum when the kids are playing in the next room.
This evening we drive to Wales for a meal out, it’s an hour from us but spending time as a family is more important than ever. We’ve found that though sexual intimacy has been drier than the desert, emotional connection and shared loves (food) are an absolute must.
We’re finally home at around 11pm, we tuck Tommy into bed and I’m not far behind him.
Saturday
I’m late for work at a local bakery. Only by a few minutes but my manager has a retail complex and she’s rude and uncaring.
I don’t care at all about this job so I try not to let to get it to me but I’m in a foul mood when I come home. David, who has been run off his feet all day by the two children, isn’t as attentive as he usually is, but he slags off my manager with me and asks what I want for dinner.
The topic of sex comes up when the children are sleeping. He knows I’m writing a diary and wants to know if I’m going to say bad things about him.
This confuses me as in my mind it’s actually my fault we’re not having sex. I love having sex with him, he’s good at it, he loves me so much and makes me feel so sexy, but I want to co-sleep and life with two kids is hard. I’m epileptic and also had my first seizure in years, which has been difficult.
I feel guilty because I’m not the most affectionate person and I don’t think I give anywhere near enough compliments. It makes me feel like an emotionally disconnected b**ch if I’m being totally honest.
I tell him words to this effect and he reaffirms that he really does find me incredibly sexy, and cannot wait to rip my clothes off the absolute moment John spends his first day at childcare.
It turns me on, but I have no time or energy to masturbate.
Sunday
Maybe my manager is rude for a reason – guess who is 35 minutes late for work this morning! David had promised to take the kids to his mums so I could feed John after work and go to the gym.
A sweet idea in theory but my tardiness means I have to stay an hour late
and I’m annoyed that my manager held off my break in some sort of power move.
We grab a coffee at Caffè Nero after work anyway. I can tell he’s knackered and we’re a bit short with each other. I send Tommy downstairs to get himself a treat and ask David if I’ve done something wrong.
We have a quiet argument in Nero because I can sense he’s in a mood but then hug it out. We make a point to remind each other that we’re not the enemy when we feel like this and we’re on the same team.
David takes an Uber to his mums and I head back home to get my gym kit. Obviously when I get home the house is an absolute mess so I spend a precious hour of my me-time making it less gross.
This means I miss the opening hours of my gym so I drop £8.99 on the 24-hour one near David’s mum’s house.
We get home, put the kids to bed and I have a good cry because I feel a bit overwhelmed. I don’t feel very pretty but David tells me again how proud he is of me.
Sex once again couldn’t be further from my mind, but I’m reminded why I wanted to make babies with this man in the first place.
Monday
Monday is always an absolute write off for our house. It’s David’s worst day at work, we’re looking after our friend’s dog, and Tommy has two clubs that day.
I’m also a moron for planning a hygienist appointment in the middle of the afternoon and John, although he is sleeping better, is still a fiend for time and attention.
The evening is rough, David’s mental health hasn’t been good for a while and we’ve decided it’s necessary for him to sign off work for a couple of weeks before he suffers from total burn out.
Today is his turn to cry and my turn to hold him and tell him all those lovely things he says to me. He opens up to me that he feels emasculated and it’s affecting his self confidence.
I’ve always been the bread winner and our dwindling finances since the job loss has meant he hasn’t felt he should spend any money getting his hair cut or clothes that make him feel attractive.
This breaks my heart as he’s such a gorgeous man, he has a thick head of black curly hair, well defined eyebrows and a thick, strong neck – which I’ve always found incredibly sexy.
I tell him as much and pull him in for a kiss. Even when he’s snotty and sad he’s still the handsome man I fell in love with.
Tuesday
I’m SO excited about today because I’ve been invited to an event in London, which means David will be putting in 85% of the leg work with the kids and the dog.
I’ve not done anything like this in years and it feels so good to be out in the professional world again rubbing shoulders with such talented people. At 11am I take myself out to get a blowdry, whilst I’m there I text David telling him I appreciate him and if I can get my hair done then so should he.
When I’m finished at the salon David meets me with John wrapped tightly in the carrier. Can we just take a moment to say how sexy it is when a man holds a baby in a baby carrier?
In a race against the clock we run to the shops to get me a nice new outfit for the event. I can feel David undressing me with his eyes as I try on different looks.
When we get home he grabs me and pulls me in, saying my sexy new outfit and shiny blow dried hair makes him feel lucky to have me. I give him a kiss on the head and say I feel exactly the same.
Wednesday
I’ve been commissioned to write an article and I know I’m going to be busy with that today and prepping for another social media day for my volunteer
stuff.
David is so tired at the moment that I let him sleep in, pretty much all day. It’s a bit annoying given I have work to do but he really broke his back carrying most of the load for the last four days.
Relationships aren’t a score board (unless you’re a competitive loser like me, then it is a bit), but I know he’ll make it up to me.
My volunteer stuff means I’m out of the house and away from the kids for about a three hour stretch if not more some days. I’m a feminist through and through and I do not believe for one second that David running the ship during that time is somehow a favour to me.
But I also know very, very well that not all men are like that and I am lucky to have a reasonably equal partner who strives to be the best dad he can be, even in his lowest moments.
It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re so busy and tired all the time, but it’s not hard to feel attracted to the man who supports you and raises you up.
Our sex life may be on hold but our love life is stronger than ever. I think we understand each other more intimately even with our clothes on, getting down and dirty at the changing station, rather than in the bedroom.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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