We are entering very troubling times. Conflict in the Middle East threatens to spill into something greater, nothing is predictable, well-qualified people are saying “World War Three” a lot more than they were a week ago, and you don’t have to be Henry Kissinger to intuit that this is, on balance, not a good sign. Economically, global markets are twitchy while domestically the chancellor has just assured us that everything is absolutely ace — simply ignore the Treasury officials who have just kicked down your front door and are checking for coins down the back of your sofa. Also, on top of all this, the number of rats in the UK is increasing. So if you like your apocalypses to be heralded by plagues of vermin, well… enjoy.
But what can we do? How do we avoid giving in to fear, despondency and an overwhelming sense of helplessness when faced with such a bleak news cycle? I know it sounds trite but the only real option is to look around and find things that give us hope, joy, a simple pleasure or at least a semblance of silver lining. While these things will vary from person to person, the important thing is to force yourself to go through the process, regardless of how disconsolate you’re feeling. I’ll go first…
It’s a good time to be a military aircraft nerd. War is hell and I hate it. However, for various complex reasons — ie they are cool and interesting — I happen to know quite a lot about modern jet fighters and/or bombers. Most of the time this is specialist knowledge that other liberal-minded adults in leafy north London tend to look down on. But as soon as WW3 is on the cards and these jets are all over the news? It’s my time to shine. “That’s a carrier-launched F/A-18 Super Hornet,” I will say, nodding at the television. “That’s an RAF F-35B Lightning. Oooh, that’s an Iranian YAK-130, it’s actually subsonic.” I can do this indefinitely and if world leaders had to hear me doing it, they’d all be round the peace table in no time.
The prospect of economic meltdown isn’t so bad when you don’t know anything about money anyway. You spend your entire adult life feeling bad that you’re completely ignorant about stocks, shares and investments etc, and that you just keep all your cash in the same young savers building society account that gave you a cool money box when you were 12. And then there’s the sweet relief of realising that when the global crash comes everyone is equally screwed anyway. Yes!!!!
Secondary school places have just been announced. Which is one less thing to worry about. I don’t mean your child’s educational future so much as no longer having to engage in the endless charade with certain other parents that, yes, they expect their child will be going to the local comprehensive even though… come on… you’ve been skiing three times in the past 12 months, do you think I was born yesterday? But no, you play along and then win an Academy Award for your look of surprise when it’s revealed they will in fact be going to St Custard’s.
Now that places have been decided, we can look forward to the first day at senior school
PETER DAZELEY/GETTY IMAGES
The rugby league season is under way. Which is to say proper rugby, with running and tackling and cheerleaders and fireworks and teams that almost exclusively come from along the M62 corridor. Rugby union fans, search the darkest recesses of your hearts and you will know that, if the world were to end tomorrow, you would rather watch the poetry that was Leeds Rhinos smashing Hull Kingston Rovers in Las Vegas last week than England being slapped around at whatever they call Twickenham these days. It’s not too late. Repent! Repent!!
I’ve found a website that lets you play hundreds of video games from the Nineties free. It’s a recent discovery that has improved my life immeasurably. I’ve never done therapy and, after finding a place where I can play Half-Life against a bunch of abusive Russian teenagers and blow them to bloody pieces with futuristic energy weapons, I’m never going to need to.
Who needs therapy when you can play a retro video game such as Half-Life 2?
Ringo has a new album out. There is something beautiful, if heartbreaking, about the planet’s last “peace and love” true believer having just released a record at a time when both commodities are in vanishingly short supply. That he has never looked more like a Middle Eastern generalissimo only adds to the poignancy.
Ringo Starr, the planet’s last ‘peace and love’ true believer
MICHAEL BUCKNER/VARIETY VIA GETTY IMAGES
Gregg Wallace is back. The celebrity greengrocer and axed MasterChef presenter is launching his own range of Italian-themed recipe boxes, and for some reason I’m pleased about this. I’m not going to buy one — the only Italian food I want delivered to my home in a box is a pizza that someone else has already cooked — but I do have a slight fear of the guy, and I suppose I just feel more comfortable knowing what he’s up to.
I can sneer at the hot cross bun part-timers. You see them everywhere at this time of year. They’re just tourists. Excitable amateurs. For them, it’s HCBs for a few weeks a year then they’re straight back to muffins, scones, doughnuts etc. Me? I’m a year-rounder. Toasted, buttered, plain, cheesy, I don’t care. I’m relentless. Even though I don’t believe in God or Jesus, I’ve eaten so many I’m medically Christian.