The Pickup (now streaming on Amazon Prime Video) allays my theory that Eddie Murphy has been more selective with his roles at this point in his career. It’s been a rather rough century for one of the world’s funniest people, a Dreamgirls Oscar nod notwithstanding – Pluto Nash, Norbit, Meet Dave, and Mr. Church are just the notorious megaflops among a long string of duds that finally seemed to cease with 2019’s Dolemite is My Name, followed by some perfectly fine nostalgia in Coming 2 America and Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F, a memorable supporting turn in You People and the weirdly ambitious holiday gambit Candy Cane Lane. And this is where the big old BUT butts in, because The Pickup – directed by Tim Story and co-starring Eva Longoria, Keke Palmer and Pete Davidson – is a moribund action-comedy just begging to be quickly quicksanded into the hungry maw of your endless-scroll streaming menus.

THE PICKUP: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: At least he’s not one day from retirement. No, the cliche is stretched to six months, which is when Russell (Murphy) vows to give up his gig as an armored truck driver and open a bed and breakfast with his wife Natalie (Longoria). But it is their anniversary, so they have dinner plans, and dude better not be late lest he invoke the lady’s ire, the highest of stakes. Russell’s partner today is Travis (Davidson), a newb who pulled a gun on Zoe (Palmer) during a routine bank pickup even though she just wanted to give him her number. They end up having one hell of a hotel-room weekend together before Travis and Russell find themselves stuck in a truck, bickering and bantering their way through a New Jersey dead zone – read: no radio signal or other traffic for miles and miles, an Unfury Road if I’ve ever seen one, and we haven’t even gotten to the moronically bog-standard car chases yet.

Travis has only farted once and made a single meta-reference – he dials in ‘Neutron Dance,’ much to Russell’s chagrin – before two trucks roll up on them. Uh oh. It seems Zoe pillow-talked some insider info outta Travis, and now has a couple of heavies (Ismael Cruz Cordova and Jack Kesy) by her side and a big heist plan to execute. Weird, because there’s just a modest amount of bills, a couple of gold chalices and a totally HIGH-larious taxidermy monkey – the object of a running gag that wouldn’t net 25 cents at a garage sale – on board. But precious cargo is precious cargo, and instead of pulling over and letting the bad people have their score, Travis and Russell decide to risk the lives of their dumb asses and try to fend off the assault simply so the movie has a reason to avoid boring conversations about how their cargo is almost certainly insured, and instead give us moronically bog-standard car chases.

OK, there’s one possible reason, not that it makes much sense – Travis always wanted to be a real cop like everyone else in his family, but he flunked the exam and ended up an armored-truck guy, which the movie would have us believe is but a notch or two above being Paul Blart. Whatever it takes to get to hijinky moments where Russell throws dye packs at the bad guys while Travis veers all over the road, right? And the bit where Travis is all hurt in his wimpy little feelings by how Zoe played him like kazoo. Meanwhile, Trav and Russ’ boss (Andrew Dice Clay, for crying out loud) barks back at HQ, Marshawn Lynch turns up in a bit part that fails to acknowledge his ability to be riotously funny, and the screenplay finds a way to wedge Longoria into the caper, hoping she can liven up some moronically bog-standard car chases. But I’m afraid it might be impossible to liven up these specific moronically bog-standard car chases.

Eddie Murphy and Pete Davidson in The Pickup Photo: Amazon MGM Studios

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: The Pickup is officially Forgettable Streaming Action-Comedy No. 466, after junk like Back in Action, Red Notice and about a half-dozen Kevin Hart and/or Mark Wahlberg vehicles including, but not limited to, Lift, Me Time and The Union.

Performance Worth Watching: Palmer has considerable charm in all her roles, but her attempt to apply it to this movie is as effective as softening up a slab of concrete with a tablespoon of margarine.

Memorable Dialogue: Ugh:

Travis: What are you gonna do?

Russell: Try not to die.

Travis: That’s a cool-ass line!

Sex and Skin: Diddly-squat in the diddling dept.

THE PICKUP KEKE PALMER Photo: ©Amazon/Courtesy Everett Collection

Our Take: You know how Murphy was always cast as the chatterbox, playing to his strengths and making the most of his gift for ad-libbing zingers? Well, The Pickup curiously disregards that, rendering his character the humorless ol’ poop to Davidson’s young whippersnapper, who never ever shuts the f— up. “You went all Jason Statham back there!” Davidson blurts at 130 decibels. “Here comes the calvary!” he whoops, and I’ll add a (sic) as the line reading demands. The irony being, Murphy mostly avoids spewing the unfunny dreck that passes for “comedic” “banter” here, the bulk of it reserved for his co-star. Perhaps it’s a symbolic gesture, a reverent nod to one of Hollywood’s all-time great funny people, Davidson throwing himself on grenades and trying to shield Murphy from some of the shrapnel. 

Not that this is intentional, mind you; that’s just how the subtext plays out. Story’s intent is to take a hilly, roadkill-laden, bumpy gravel road of a script and pave over it with slick action and star power, thus rendering it palatable. But the car chases – moronically bog-standard, don’t forget – and shootouts don’t differentiate the movie from the mountains of unmemorable streamer slop out there, all visually flat, thematically bromidic and so brightly lit, you wonder if principal photography occurred beneath hundreds of french-fry heat lamps. 

So, without visual dynamics to distract us, we’re essentially forced to masticate the gristle of flaccid meta-comedy and/or blurted naughty words, all quickly tiresome and grating R-rated shit aimed at 12-year-olds. And so we get Andrew Dice Clay coining the word “assholehead” and Davidson trying to persuade us into believing The Pickup doesn’t suck by screaming, “Whoa, that was cool as f—!” after Russell gets them out of a tight jam. We’re more apt to believe Palmer though, when she says, “Look at this shit!” 

Our Call: I recommend dropping The Pickup like a hot potato. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.