I’m not Japanese walking, though Oprah has blessed it – not heading out at my regular pace for three minutes, then speeding up, then slowing down, then speeding up, and so on, so that if I’m walking with a friend who isn’t following Oprah’s command, I’ll pull ahead and soon we’ll grow too distant to talk.

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I’m not walking on an incline to enhance posterior chain engagement, or backwards to counteract gluteal amnesia. I’m not spending over 100 bucks on iridescent Vibram finger shoes to feel Mother Earth beneath my feet, one articulated toe at a time, as I commute through Downtown Crossing.

I’m not sashaying through a forest in hopes of strengthening my immune system by spending time with trees, or doing 12-3-30, even though the treadmill-based walking workout made its creator, Lauren Giraldo, so famous she now has more than 1.1 million followers on her YouTube channel.

I’m not joining Equinox so I can take a “precision” walking class, or downloading an app to teach me Tai Chi walking, which would increase my postural awareness, even as the eventual challenge of trying to cancel my subscription leaves me slumped in exhaustion.

I’m not vibing a “Hot Girl Walk,” rocking a matching sports bra and micro-short set, wearing pink Beats Studio Pro headphones and carrying an iced coffee for my Insta, all the while focusing on gratitude and personal goals as I stride, cooing to myself, “you’re a babe.”

Perhaps I’m taking the easy way out, but I was at peace, despite pressure from influencers, maxximizers, and fit-anista frenemies.

I walk a lot — to distant interviews, to far-flung physical therapy appointments, to so many places that when my sons were young and we were going to visit my parents in Connecticut, they got nervous. “Do we have to walk?” they asked.

I figured that what I lacked in supercharge, I made up for in miles. But the house always wins. And in early April, inevitably, there it was, the study I knew was coming for me:

“Walking Is America’s Favorite Workout — Experts Say That’s a Problem,” read the headline on a health-focused site called mindbodygreen.

A problem???

Despite Nike’s recent slap — “Runners welcome. Walkers tolerated” read the now-removed ad in its Newbury Street store window — walking has enjoyed enviable press.

A woman walks a dog earlier this month atop a hill at Lasrz Anderson Park as a giant maple tree looms in the foreground. John Tlumacki/Globe Staff

Story after story extolls its positive impact on blood pressure, stroke prevention, digestion, sleep, creativity, cognition, and even fight-reduction. When someone yells, “Walk it off, buddy!” buddy’s not expected to first grab trekking poles.

But, alas, researchers who analyzed data from the CDC’s Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System found a catch.

They looked at which physical activities adults reported as their primary form of exercise. Then they cross referenced that data with federal guidelines to see how various groups fared.

The walkers scored second to last on the combined aerobic activity and muscle strengthening metric, placing ahead of the “lawn/gardening” cohort but BEHIND people in the “fishing/hunting” category.

Excuse me while I carbo load before I sit in a beach chair for five hours with a pole stuck in the sand next to my Yeti.

I needed to speak with the study’s lead author, a West Virginia University Extension physical activity specialist and assistant professor named Christiaan Abildso.

I tried to keep my tone neutral when he picked up the phone, but I could hear the edge. “Is walking good for you?” I demanded.

“Absolutely,” Abildso said so cheerfully that I suspected I was being trolled.

He began by extolling its ease and affordability, and even spoke skeptically about weighted vests. I was nodding along smugly, until he started to say things like: “Walkers just need to add in body weight resistance training,” and “if you walk faster or up a hill for sure that’s better than walking three miles per hour on a flat surface.”

I know I should have grabbed one of many (never-stretched) resistance bands, but instead I channelled the catchphrase popularized by Billy Crystal, “It’s better to look good than to feel good.”

And look, there, in the New York Times, was the news I needed. “You, Too, Can Walk Like a Model,” the headline read.

The story explained that I needed to open my chest as if I were “greeting sunshine” with my body. I had to pretend laser beams were shooting from my eyes to get the signature stone-faced look. And to achieve the proper gait, when I walked my imaginary catwalk, I was supposed to imagine my feet splashing into puddles.

And so it was that I went for a walk, chest out, laser beams shooting, enthusiastically calling out “splash,” “splash,” “splash” with each step — like a pre-school teacher determined to make the best of a rainy field trip.

I was ranting about splashing when I ran into a neighbor walking her dog. It was sunny out, and I was about to explain myself, but she seemed undaunted.

“We should take a walk sometime,” she said.

Beth Teitell can be reached at beth.teitell@globe.com. Follow her @bethteitell.