The idea of mate value and how it affects relationships
How do people decide whom to date and whom not to date?
While some people make this decision solely based on physical attractiveness, for most people, a wide range of factors play a role in this decision. In psychological research, this fact has been captured by the idea of mate value, for example, the overall subjective “worth” someone has as a potential partner for another person. Mate value typically includes physical attractiveness, but also things like financial resources, personality, social status, potential for a positive development in the future, and many others.
Importantly, psychological research has shown that people typically do not always try to find a partner with maximum mate value for them. Often, people look for someone who matches their own perceived mate value. Someone very attractive, rich, and high status will often (not always) try to date a person with similar characteristics.
One question that is not well understood in psychological research is how specifically self-perceived and partner-perceived mate value affect satisfaction with the romantic relationship. For example, one could expect that someone who perceives themselves as a mediocre partner but their partner as extremely desirable may be happy they made a good catch, but they may also be unhappy because they may be very afraid to lose their partner.
A new study on what viewing your partner as desirable does to self-esteem
A new preprint article entitled “Catching a Good Catch: How Viewing Your Partner as Desirable Drives Satisfaction but Threatens Self-Esteem” now focuses on investigating the psychological effects of viewing your partner as highly desirable (Dochevska and colleagues, 2026). A preprint article means that the study has not yet undergone professional peer review and may still change in some respects in its final version published in an academic journal.
In the study, the research team led by scientist Viktoria I. Dochevska from the Department of Psychology at Helmut-Schmidt-University in Hamburg, Germany, performed two different experiments. In the first experiment, the scientists established a German-language questionnaire on mate value. In the second experiment, they collected data from 78 couples about self-perceived mate value, partner-perceived partner values, relationship satisfaction, and self-esteem.
Study Results: A highly desirable partner leads to more relationship satisfaction but less self-esteem
Interestingly, both men and women rated their partner’s perceived mate value higher than their own. Most people underestimated their own mate value significantly. More than 70 percent of volunteers rated their mate value lower than their partners did.
Thinking your partner was a good catch improved relationship satisfaction. People who rated their partner’s mate value higher were also more satisfied with the relationship. However, having a highly desirable partner also had a downside: People who rated their partner’s mate value higher had lower self-esteem. However, rating oneself as a highly desirable partner was linked to higher self-esteem. This may reflect that someone who compares themselves with a partner they perceive as much more desirable may lead them to focus on their own perceived shortcomings.
Take-Away
Taken together, perceiving one’s partner as highly desirable is a double-edged sword that comes with both costs (less self-esteem) but also benefits (higher relationship satisfaction).
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