“I love you Poppop!” These words were said by my almost 3-year-old grandson while driving one day. We were coming back from a “big truck” event, and in the midst of talking about the different trucks we saw, he uttered these four words.
My heart instantly melted, and of course, I said back to him, “I love you too!” I never could have imagined what being a grandfather could feel like. Of course, I love being a father and marvel at my sons and the incredible people they are today. With Father’s Day approaching, I have found myself reflecting not only on being a father to my two sons, but also in my newer role as grandfather to my two grandsons. When raising my sons, fatherhood felt defined by responsibility, urgency and the constant pressure to provide, protect and hopefully guide them as they grew.
Why Grandfatherhood Differs Emotionally from Fatherhood
Grandfatherhood feels different. There is still an abundance of love, but now it is accompanied by perspective, boundless patience, and an increased heightened awareness of how fleeting childhood truly is. Watching my own child become a parent has opened an unexpected emotional chapter – one filled with not only joy and marvel, but also reflection, humility, and at times, quiet reconsideration of the father I once was.
According to information reported by Bates at Ohio State in 2021 “There are an estimated 31 million grandfathers in the United States, making up roughly 9.5% of the American population. Among these, about 750,000 to 1.3 million grandfathers serve as the primary caretakers who are actively raising their grandchildren. Because men today are living longer than men of previous generations, they will likely have more years to devote to grandfatherhood than their predecessors.”
I am not alone in my role as a grandfather, but in preparing for this blog post, I have found little written about the role of being a grandfather. Most of the research highlights grandparents in general and often tends to favor the role and importance of the grandmother in a child’s life.
Insights from Other Grandfathers
Since I was curious about how other grandfathers felt about this newer role for them, I reached out to a number of relatives and friends who are grandfathers and presented them with some different prompts and asked them to share their thoughts and feelings.
How did becoming a grandfather feel emotionally different from becoming a father?
“I found having a grandchild rather profound from a legacy perspective, and markedly different from having a child. There is just something very special to me about being responsible for the creation of several generations. It felt like a significant accomplishment and life marker.”
“The simplest way to describe what happened when I became a grandfather is to say that my heart exploded with love. That love was so immense that I wished for two things that are not just unrealistic but also impossible: I wanted to live forever so that I wouldn’t miss anything in our granddaughter’s life, and I wanted to protect her from anything bad that the world would inevitably throw her way.”
“Whereas becoming a father was something I wanted and experienced initially for myself and my spouse, becoming a grandfather was a wonderful byproduct of something I wanted primarily for my children because parenthood was something they wanted for themselves. But the joy in being a grandparent is both in seeing your children as parents as well as experiencing grandchildren and grandparenting.”
“I had wanted to be a grandfather almost since the day my daughter was born. Especially after seeing my father with her. I did not know the man. He was a different person. We were the first of our friends to be married and the first to have kids. We were the last to have a grandchild by many years. We did not think it would happen. So, while the birth of our kids was amazing, it was an expected part of our journey. My granddaughter’s birth was life-changing.”
“The anticipation of becoming a father, and then actually being one was much anticipated, exciting, and a bit scary. The scary part: not knowing whether my child would be “normal” – have ten toes and ten fingers, not to mention, not have any serious health issues – and also being uncertain about how I would stack up to the challenges of being a good parent and also a supportive spouse. As time moved on, the scary part didn’t really completely disappear, but it did fade further into the background and not occupy much of my everyday awareness. I was young and while I did have self-confidence, this was all uncharted territory. Grandparenting, rocks! Not only do you have a better informed perspective about the challenges and rewards of child-rearing and, importantly, the acceptance that no one can get it all right, but you’re not in charge.”
Relationships Essential Reads
Are there things you wish you had done differently as a father that you approach differently as a grandfather?
“That need to protect her(my daughter) is precisely the opposite of the answer to “Are there things you wish you had done differently as a father that you approach differently as a grandfather?” Over the last many years, perhaps too late to apply it to our own now-adult children, I learned that kids are a lot more resilient than we believe they are, and I am intent on giving our granddaughter the space to learn on her own, to fall down and get up again, to experiment and find answers, and yes, to make mistakes and hopefully, to learn from them. In short — particularIy as our job as caregivers transitions from the purely physical to the intellectual — I plan to be there for her, but mostly, I will try hard to get out of her way.”
“There is a line from a Bob Dylan song that always comes to mind for me when thinking about the difference between being a parent vs. a grandparent. The line goes “ I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now “. When raising kids, I felt so much pressure to provide well for my family and thus work responsibilities often overshadowed parental responsibility. I thus was not as engaged as I wish I would have been looking retrospectively. I feel I am so much better prepared and positioned now than I was 35 years ago to be a positive influence on my grandchildren.”
“I wish that I had been more present with my children. I usually left for work before they were up and got home after dinner. I did not use the time I had to really be with them when I could. I coached them both in various sports but can’t remember the little things that I really enjoy doing with my granddaughter.”
What do you hope your grandchild(ren) remember about you someday?
“I hope they smile when they think of me, whether I am with them or afar, whether I am alive or not, I hope they carry on the family legacy.”
“I hope my grandchildren will remember me as being fun, committed, engaged and always willing to provide whatever it is they might need, whether that meant playmate, friend, supporter or quasi parent.”
“I can only hope that her memories of me make her think of unconditional love and being happy when she was with me.”
“That I loved them for the wonderful people they are; that being with them was among the greatest blessings of my life and brought me great joy. I hope they find their time with me fulfilling, too, even though whatever they receive cannot match what they give me. I hit the jackpot!”
The Deeper Meaning of Grandfatherhood
As I reflect on the words, “I love you, Poppop,” I am reminded that grandfatherhood is not simply an extension of fatherhood—it is its own unique and deeply meaningful chapter. If fatherhood is often about building a life, grandfatherhood is about appreciating it.
The grandfathers who shared their stories spoke of love, connection, perspective, and the realization that time passes far more quickly than we imagine. As Father’s Day approaches, I am grateful not only for the privilege of being a father but also for the gift of being a grandfather.
Perhaps the greatest lesson of all is that while we hope to leave behind wisdom, values, and memories, our grandchildren leave something equally valuable with us: a renewed sense of wonder, curiosity, purpose, and joy. And if I am fortunate, years from now my grandsons will remember not only what I gave them, but how deeply they were loved.