I looked this up on YouTube and found an enthusiastic science nerd comparing the Swedish wheel’s mechanics to Michael Jackson’s moonwalk. Which feels appropriate when you are up against the third cousin, once removed, of a lunar roving device.
The Acemate is controlled from your iPhone, which should in theory stop it from turning rogue and logging into Skynet. Initially, I set it up to play nice. But then my camera-wielding colleague Belinda grabbed the phone and increased the difficulty level.
At first, with the balls coming centrally, I managed to drive a few winners past (Ace) matey-boy. With luck, my page-building colleagues will select one of these occasional flashes of competence to illustrate this article – although experience suggests that they will opt for something more humiliating.
Then, as Belinda turned sadistic, I found myself shuttling left and right to the corners of the court until the sweat ran down my back and every one of my shots was either dying in the net or flying long.
I cast my mind back to Red Dwarf, the BBC spaceship sitcom, in search of the sort of verbals that were regularly aimed at Kryten the Series 4000 robot. “Demented Tonka toy”, I essayed. “Bog-bot from Hell”. No effect at all.
Meanwhile, the Acemate app was busy preparing its own withering, AI-enabled assessment of my game. “You can keep the ball in play and maintain safe height,” it told me, in a gently condescending tone. “But consistency over longer rallies and directional control are still developing.”
Still developing? I’m 52. At this rate, I’ll be graduating from the “beginner” category at around the same age that I’m ready to retire.
Time to power down the Acemate and switch on the Pongbot Pace S Pro, a Chinese-made alternative that lacks its rival’s wow-factor but comes in at around half the price. I found a Pongbot quoted at £880 on Amazon whereas the American Acemate goes for £2,599 on its official UK website, or £2,199 on a sale day.