Last week I was in California sitting in a room full of Chief Probation Officers. I had gone there to talk about grief, leadership, and self-care following the sudden death of one of their colleagues. But I didn’t start by talking about grief. I asked them to finish one sentence: “You know you’re a Chief when…” This allowed them to speak freely, laugh, and share common experiences only they understand. A common theme arose that is worth sharing, which is the higher you move up in leadership, the fewer people you can call on when you are the one who needs help.
I’m currently the first Black Director of Rutgers University Counseling, Alcohol and Other Drug Assistance Program & Psychiatric Services (CAPS). I have a team of almost 60 individuals. Although I try my best to flatten the hierarchy and share leadership, the honest truth is that when things go down, budgets get cut, and tough decisions are made, I need to be the steady force in the organization. As a leader, people become so accustomed to our strength that they forget the strength we display costs us something. Sometimes, we forget too.
The Invisible Weight of Leadership
I told the Chiefs that we spend so much time investing in others that it is time we held up a mirror to ourselves and invested in our own well-being. I was intentional about talking about the invisible weight that comes with being people like us: responsibility, emotional labor, visibility, and isolation.
Responsibility is probably the most obvious. Every day, we are responsible for other people, the functioning of a department or system, budgets, others’ safety and well-being. Even when I delegate a task, I still feel responsible for the outcome. We know that when things hit the fan, the buck stops with us. That’s a lot of pressure.
Then there is emotional labor. Being in a leadership role often requires us to manage our emotions while helping everyone else manage theirs. You can “not be ok” and still have to lead a meeting. You can be grieving and still have people waiting outside your office who need something from you.
The higher we rise in leadership, the more people watch us. Our words, our decisions, sometimes even our facial expressions matter! I have a trusted colleague friend who often reminds me of my “face” when I am in meetings. People interpret our silence, our tone, and what we did or did not say. We do not give ourselves grace, because others rarely do.
Last but not least, there is isolation, which is the part few people truly understand. There are things we as leaders simply cannot discuss with everyone around us, from confidential personnel issues to organizational uncertainty and difficult decisions. This creates what I think of as the leadership paradox: The higher we rise, the more people depend on us and the fewer people we can depend on.
Who can support me, the person everyone else depends on?
Unpacking the Invisible Leadership Backpack
While with the Chiefs last week, I had us examine this question: What is in my leadership backpack? I explained that we all carry this invisible backpack everywhere we go. In it can be many things: every difficult decision, every crisis, every loss, every responsibility. Over the years, things begin to accumulate, which makes the weight we carry even heavier.
Now I pose this question to you, my reader… what have you added to your backpack over the years? What have you never taken out? What belongs to me and what belongs to someone else?
I find that many of my trainings with leaders and organizations are trainings I wish I had myself. I took the time in this training right along with the Chiefs to truly answer these questions for myself. We have Plans A, B, and C for our departments, our budgets, and our employees, but do we have a plan for ourselves?
Self-care for leaders often gets put on the back burner. We carry the false idea that self-care is vacations, massages, spa days, or taking time off. And listen, I am not against any of these things! But if our entire self-care plan depends on getting away from our lives, we need to talk about that. Because eventually, we have to come back.
Leadership Essential Reads
In my book, Healer, Heal Thyself, I discuss psychological wellness as more than simply avoiding stress. Self-care is not a reward for surviving your job. It is part of how you sustainably do your job. And it has to work on an ordinary Tuesday, not only during the seven days a year when your out-of-office message is on.
4 Questions for Sustainable Leadership
Recover: What genuinely restores me? This isn’t about what should restore you, but what actually helps you feel like yourself again. Be honest about what works for you rather than what you think wellness is supposed to look like.
Protect: What do I need to take back? Maybe it’s your sleep or your exercise routine. If you’re like me, maybe it’s your weekend or simply an hour when nobody can reach you. I learned to be intentional by taking back what is mine and what my job was not paying me for.
Notice: How do I know when I’m not okay? We need to know our early warning signs. Maybe you become more impatient, withdraw from other people, or start working even longer hours. Knowing your early warning signs allows you to intervene before you get to your breaking point.
Connect: Who really knows me? Not your title. Not your accomplishments. You. The best thing I could have done for myself was actively engage with my fellow Big Ten Counseling Center Directors who also carry the weight of leading large counseling centers. Additionally, I have my besties who have known me since elementary school, before the degrees, the titles, and the accolades. Do you have someone who asks how you are doing without immediately following the question with something they need from you? I truly hope this for you.
Final Takeaway
Leaders are extraordinarily good at making plans. We make operational plans, succession plans, emergency plans, budget plans, and five-year strategic plans. But when was the last time you made one for you?
Trust me, it doesn’t have to be elaborate. You can start by identifying your early warning signs, what helps you recover, the people you can genuinely lean on, one boundary you need to protect, and one thing you are willing to do differently in the next 30 days.
Leadership will always carry weight. The goal isn’t to become better at carrying the weight, nor is it to pretend the weight isn’t there. The goal is to recognize what you’re carrying, understand what it is doing to you, and make sure there are places where you can put some of it down. Because behind the position, the accomplishments, the decisions, and the person everyone else depends on, there is still a person, YOU. And YOU deserve care, too.