FOR me, one of the best parts of this game is that I get to choose who I share the golf course with – namely, friends who are like-minded people, who don’t take their golf too seriously, are happy to laugh at themselves and who enjoy a bit of banter – and are able to take it as well as giving it out.
But every so often you end up playing with people you don’t know. More often than not, this turns out to be a pleasurable experience but from time to time you end up sharing 18 holes with somebody who drives you to distraction.
I have written before about the types of golfers you do and definitely do not want to play with. But the more golf I play, the more characters I seem to come across.
And it seems I am not alone. When Golfshake asked golfers about the most annoying things about other golfers, there was no shortage of things that got under your skin. So it got me thinking again: who are the worst sort of people you can play golf with?
The cheat
Not much irritates me, but I have absolutely no time for cheats, especially those who do it blatantly. And there are more than you think. By and large, this is a self-policing game that banks on players following the rules and doing things by the book.
You know exactly what I am talking about. They tell you they have scored a five when you know for sure they have taken six blows.
They walk into the rough and you can quite clearly see them improving the lie. They are the type of person who will always find his ball in knee-high rough, usually at least 30 yards from where you know for certain that his original ball actually landed. When he claims to have found it and you come across the ball he was actually playing, he will tell you with a completely straight face that it must be a ball he lost last week. Except that he never loses golf balls!
He also always finds his ball inches inside the out of bounds area – again, you know for sure that his ball flew out of play!
He never adheres to the three-minute rule when looking for a lost ball. And since he already knows that he is going to find his ball, he never, ever hits a provisional.
When you get to the 18th and count his score he will always tell you that you have got it wrong – that he took a couple of shots less. “No Derek, I had a four at the 12th and it was a five at the 16th.”
The slowcoach
You don’t need me to tell you that slow play is the scourge of our game. I now accept that 18 holes is going to take me a minimum of four hours. But hey, I am retired and by and large I have nowhere to rush off to after my game. BUT…
My pet hate is the time waster. They take umpteen practice swings. They stand over the ball. They freeze. They finally take a lunge at the ball that bears no relation to the practice swing. Don’t get me started on their performance on the greens. They prowl, they plumb-bob and they do a bit of AimPoint, even though they have no clue why.
They spend forever looking for lost balls. They clean the club after every shot. And they believe that five hours is a perfectly acceptable time for a two-ball!
The rule-breaker
Many of us break the rules without even knowing we are doing so. Simple solution – grab yourself a copy of the Rules of Golf, read it and digest it – and keep it in your golf bag for dispute resolution!
The master of gamesmanship
Another pet hate of mine. You stand over the ball and as you do so his hand dips into his pocket and he starts to jangle his change or car keys. There is out of bounds on the right side of the tee. He says: “I always worry about that out of bounds fence. Not that it ever comes into your thinking Derek because you never slice your driver.” He is correct. But now the thought is in your head. What happens? A huge slice sees your ball soar out of play.
You are preparing to play a shot over water. “I hate this shot Derek. I never seem to take enough club and couldn’t tell you how many times I have ended up in the drink.” You have been untroubled by the shot you are facing but of course doubts now creep in. You either duff it into the water or you take too much club and look on in horror as your ball soars over the green and out of bounds into the field behind the putting surface. And he says: “Oh Derek, bad luck mate. You going to hit another ball?”
The know-it-all
Oh dear! He bowls up to the first tee with one of those awful remote-controlled trollies upon which is a tournament-size golf bag filled with brand new, hugely expensive golf clubs. His golf shoes are shiny, his clothes are colour-coded and he is wearing a brand new white branded baseball cap. He introduces himself and then reaches into his bag and pulls out a Titleist Pro V1x straight from the box. On the way past your clubs, he takes a quick look and sighs.
His first drive is topped but he knows exactly what he has done wrong – and tells you so. It could be background noise, it could be a gust of wind. It could be a myriad of things but never the actual thing that caused such a dreadful shot – namely, his golf swing.
This person is a 20-handicapper and he spends most of the round telling you what you are doing wrong, even though you are a single-figure golfer.
You start talking about the weekend’s DP World Tour event and he can give you chapter and verse on the winner’s stats. You start talking about last night’s football – he tells you that Pep Guardiola, the greatest manager of his generation, got his tactics all wrong.
By the end of the round you are ready to throttle him. You always go into the clubhouse for a drink but today you cannot get away fast enough – probably to plan his murder!
On a separate note, will somebody please explain to me why ANYBODY would be seen dead with a remote-controlled golf trolley.
The moaner
“Oh, woe is me. Why do I always get the bad bounces? Did that end up in the lake? No way! For goodness sake, that’s the third lip-out today. Where did that gust of wind come from? Did you see the state of that bunker? I just hit my best drive of the day and finished in a divot.” Enough said?
The chatterbox
I like a conversation as much as the next person and, as I said earlier, I enjoy good company and a bit of banter. But what drives me to the very edge of distraction is being paired with somebody who talks non-stop from the opening tee-shot until the final putt is holed, takes a deep breath and then starts all over again when you get to the clubhouse. You end up going home with a thumping headache, feeling like you have done 12 rounds with Anthony Joshua.
The selfish golfer
Another of my favourites. He goes out of his way to stand in your eyeline when you are addressing the ball. He walks in front of you when you are on the green, standing on your line with his size 12s. If you hit your ball into the rough he never comes to help you look for it but is quick to point out that you have been searching for it for three minutes. He is self-centred, talking only about himself. And to rub salt in the wounds, he gets your name wrong: “Nice drive David.” Aaaarrrggghhhhh!
The traditionalist
I consider myself to be pretty open-minded but there are still many people who play this game while harbouring views that belong in the 19th century. They don’t think there is any place on the golf course for women – “their place is at home looking after the children and cooking the dinner” – they believe we should still have to wear a jacket, shirt and tie in the clubhouse, they believe that juniors should be seen and not heard and should not be allowed on the course during peak times.
They believe there should be a copy of The Daily Telegraph in the clubhouse and they drink gin and tonics. Oh, yes, and they refer to you as “dear boy”! And it goes without saying that they are almost always utterly useless golfers and long-serving committee members whose word is law at their golf club. Give me strength!
The miser
Simple one this – I am talking about the member of your group who never buys a round of drinks. He always finds a way to get to the bar last and when everybody has finished their first drink he always finds an excuse to head home.
Of course, the truth is that most of the people I play golf with are great company and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But we have all come across at least one of the characters above. And if you have read this entire list without recognising anybody you have ever played with, I have some bad news for you. It might just be you!