Sometimes, online, a phrase appears at the very outside edge of your consciousness, then begins to burrow its way inwards in the manner of some horrifying, probably fatal parasite until it\u2019s everywhere and you can\u2019t remember life before it. This has happened in recent weeks with the expression \u201clock in\u201d.<\/p>\n
First, I started seeing people in gym clothes on TikTok<\/a> attributing their looks (python in a pop sock for the women; slab of meaty bronzed flesh worthy of Barbecue Showdown for the men) to being \u201clocked in\u201d, a synonym for \u201cfocused\u201d or \u201cdisciplined\u201d (or, some might argue, \u201ctediously self-obsessed\u201d).<\/p>\n I tried to ignore it but \u201clocked in\u201d continued spreading and now it has spawned a new seasonal phenomenon: the \u201cGreat Lock-In\u201d. The successor to last year\u2019s wearisome \u201cwinter arc<\/a>\u201d (TikTokers spending the dark months in the gym to emerge buff in spring), the Great Lock-In is an arbitrary set of self-optimisation goals we\u2019re all supposed to sign up for.<\/p>\n \u201cFour months of absolutely ruthless commitment towards yourself,\u201d a red-faced bearded man<\/a> rhapsodises, jabbing a finger at the camera. Another video<\/a> (so full of flashing imagery it needs a warning for anyone prone to seizures) explained it more granularly: 10k steps, three to four litres of water, read 10 to 15 pages and get eight hours of sleep daily; do four to five workouts a week; \u201chit protein goal daily\u201d; \u201chit cardio, no distractions, focus\u201d. Babe, even drinking that much water would be a full-time (and utterly unwelcome) job for me.<\/p>\n I suppose the Lock-In crew are just a subset of the peppy \u201cnew pencils, new resolutions\u201d September sorts, and it\u2019s quite touching, the way they\u2019re trying to get a global platform devoted to listless scrolling to commit to a community project. But does it have to be such a joyless one? I\u2019m watching anyway, because I\u2019m childishly amused that the earnest self-improvement bros and gals have no idea that \u201clock-in\u201d already has a sacred meaning for Brits: illegal after-hours drinking. A Great Lock-In is surely what happens when it snows heavily at that famously inaccessible pub in the Dales<\/a> and a tractor needs to come to the rescue?<\/p>\n If they could promise us that four months of \u201cabsolutely ruthless commitment\u201d would culminate in limitless cosy pints around the fire for four days, I reckon we\u2019d all be signing up.<\/p>\n Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist<\/p>\n